'My boyfriend planned a road trip with me and his three friends. I have been uninvited.' UPDATED
"My boyfriend planned a road trip with me and his three friends. I have been uninvited."
For starters, my boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. Our anniversary was in April and for it we had planned to do a fun road trip. Obviously that couldn't happen.
Last month he had brought up the idea of a road trip with me, his friends (22F & 24M) & his friend's girlfriend (24F). This would be happening next year. I thought this was a good idea as I am friends with his male friend and his gf but not necessarily his female friend.
To tell you the truth, I've always been quite wary of their relationship (previous bf cheated on me and I've still got some insecurities I need to sort out). I hadn't heard more about it since the trip was brought up in the first place so I asked my bf if it would still be going ahead.
He said they had decided it would be a no-girlfriends-allowed trip. Eh, I was fine with that. Me and him could always go ourselves another time and I know friends need time to hang out without their partners.
Nothing more was said about it until today when I happened to glance at his screen and saw that they had made a group chat and were talking about it. I also saw his friend's gf was messaging in it.
I asked him why she was in it if she's not going. He got defensive and instantly turned his screen away from me. I asked him why he did that and he said it's a private conversation - I then asked if I could look through the messages.
I found out that she is still invited and it's just me who's been uninvited. I would understand it if she was one of his friends, but she's actually not. In fact, I haven't heard him say one nice word about her.
I guess my boyfriend just doesn't want ME there, but is fine with someone he dislikes. I feel so left out as I was made to believe I was part of this friendship group but none of them have even asked me why I'm not going.
I don't know if I've misconstrued the situation and have made a big deal out of nothing but I'm just incredibly hurt by this as it's not exactly fair she gets to go when I can't. I'm planning on talking to him about it tomorrow but I just want to get advice.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Wow, F all of that. That's really uncool of all of them, especially him. You can ask him, "I'm having trouble understanding, please tell me why I don't need to be upset by this" just to see the justification he has in his mind, but unless it's actually completely iron-clad, don't feel like you have any obligation to be okay with this. Don't let him gaslight you, you're not the crazy one here to be upset by this.
Yes! Plus, you got dropped from your own anniversary trip. YOUR trip. That is not the behavior of someone who cares about you.
This! It’s one thing if her BF is inept and just doesn’t get that it’s hurtful/wrong, but he’s being oddly defensive! Either he’s still trying to backpedal and pretend like it’s not happening/no big deal, or he’s hiding something more. Either way he knows what he’s doing is very wrong.
Your bf is not being a standup guy here. And that should concern you. If a bunch of my buddies said they didn't want my wife along on a trip but were taking theirs, I'd tell them to have a good time and send a postcard. Dude should always stick up for his partner. Always.
ThrowRA-doughnut0 (OP)
Yup, if this was the other way around I'd be adamant my boyfriend got to go!
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
I really hesitated in posting an update but I've received many messages enquiring about it. Thank you to everyone who gave advice! I confronted my boyfriend the day after posting this. Turns out, he didn't want to tell me that his friend's gf despises me. I was shocked at this as when we've been around her she's been nothing but nice to me.
He showed me a private message she had sent him and she had demanded I didn't go on the trip. She also told him I was cheating on him. I was really shocked so I messaged her and she said that she was uncomfortable with her boyfriend being around me as I was really flirty around him the last time we hung out!
That's absolutely not true. If I was being flirty, don't you think my boyfriend would have saw that? Plus, I have enough respect for my boyfriend that I absolutely would not do that ever.
My boyfriend's told me stories in the past about how his friend's gf is very controlling/paranoid about other girls and won't even let him have female friends. I just didn't think she'd act that way with me.
The only thing I can think of is when we last hung out I accidentally touched his leg as we were at a cramped booth together, so she's definitely reaching there. Also, during that night she had made a huge deal about him messaging another girl so much so we had to leave early as she demanded to go home.
My bf kept what she had sent him to himself as he didn't want to cause any more riffs. He only has the two friends. He made the excuse up so as to not hurt my feelings. I get it, I do, but I'm an adult and I can handle someone disliking me.
He thought he was sparing my feelings, but why he thought I would be more hurt by someone I barely know disliking me than from being essentially uninvited from our anniversary trip is beyond me.
It feels as if he took her side in it. I know he hates confrontation and that's fine for him, but I want a boyfriend who can stand up for me. He doesn't even know her for god sake. I'm assuming he didn't want to lose his friend. His gf is very manipulative.
To tell you the truth, I also thought he was planning on hooking up with his female friend. With two guys and two girls going how could I not think that? I'm not breaking up with him.
We talked about it and he's not going on the trip. He's told his male friend the situation and he is likely going to break up with his gf as this isn't the first time she's did this. If anything's unclear I apologize. It's a whole train wreck.
FINAL UPDATE: I broke up with him. I’ve been reading all the comments on both posts and came to the realization that I’m unhappy and that’s likely not going to change unless I do something about it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
He disinvited you from your anniversary trip because he doesn't like confrontation? How was that supposed to work?
I'm very curious as to what happened between her post and her update. She went from "we're not breaking up, we talked it out and hes not going now" to "we broke up".
wow, imagine being that spineless and choosing your
friend's crazy girlfriend that you aren't attracted to versus your actual GF. OP lost nothing by breaking up with the child.
It's the fact that it was supposed to be an anniversary trip for me.
Edit to add: 4 year anniversary trip. FOUR. YEARS.
Observation: this over possessive, manipulative friend's GF didn't want another GF (OP) on the trip, but she's seemingly fine with the SINGLE female friend tagging along? That doesn't track at all. If she's so paranoid, wouldn't she be all levels of hell all over that single friend in their friend group?
Glad you were able to have a conversation about it and maybe you can *actually* take a trip together as initially planned. Good luck with this relationship and don't be his warrior - it's enough to just be your own. It sounds like he doesn't know how to pick a battle or fight one and is hoping you'll do all the heavy lifting.
Relationships are a partnership. With one large lie in the books don't let him get away with even a white lie in the future. He's lost all integrity by intentionally choosing to be spineless. But for real, don't fight his battles. You want a man that has your back, right? You won't if you let him keep this up.