'How would you feel if your boyfriend of 9 months purchases a home for you?' HIS AND HERS POV
"How would you feel if your boyfriend (M38) of 9 months purchases a home and says it’s for you (F34)?"
ObjectivePea516
My boyfriend of 9 months purchased a home and said he bought it with “me” in mind as we have talked about a future and wanting to have a family. We have had many serious talks about our relationship and we’ve both met each other’s families.
He previously lived in a home for several years and has always thought about changing his living situation and also wasn’t sure if he even wanted to stay to live in the same city. To my surprise, he went to see a house without me knowing and put in an offer.
Long story short his offer was accepted and he’s made comments about how he thought about this house for us eventually. I’m not sure how to feel about it, I’m really happy that he got a house he really likes and at the price he got it for.
But I feel we’re not there yet to move in with each other. Also, in no way did I have a say in the decision of this house or the location so I don’t think he can say he got the house with “me in mind." He hasn’t considered the commute for me to travel to work or anything that would be considered specifically to actually having me in mind.
He bought this home one block away from his previous house as he will be renting out that home now, so this home by default is a great location for him overall. I’m not sure how to feel about his comments and his expectations with me and the house.
Additionally, I am a student and the closing of his house happened to be the very busiest week of exams and assignments I had due. We had conversations about how I could not help him move and there seemed to be an understanding, that week consisted of working on a presentation, studying for an exam and working on a paper.
Any other free time I had I invested in self care such as working out or doing yoga. However, on one of those days I posted a selfie where I was proud to have accomplished so much in the morning before going into work and he got extremely upset about this.
He went on to say I didn’t care to help him move and that I didn’t want to help him move essentially and made a huge deal about it as he bought this house with “me” in mind. What do you think of this?
Just for more context:
The house was bought entirely with his money. I have zero financial contribution to this. We never talked about a specific time frame when I would move in. It was a discussion about how it’s something we both would want eventually.
We did talk about how I would contribute when that time comes, in which I mentioned expenses such as hydro, utilities, internet etc..I also made it clear that in no way was I expecting a free ride and not to contribute anything. That’s just not my character.
The selfie that was posted was a close up shot of my face with sunglasses on and enjoying my coffee! I had made a list of accomplishments of tasks I did that day and wrote it in this picture: “meal prep ✅, work out ✅, coffee ✅, sunshine ✅… great way starting my day so far!”
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
BizIt4
There are multiple red flags going on here.
1. If he truly envisioned you two living together in this house down the line, he would have included you in the conversation or invited you to house showings. I think what he really envisioned is having a partner. Not specifically you, but a partner.
2. The fact that he became upset when you posted about your productive morning is very worrisome. You were being smart to prioritize your education and self care/ mental health. It takes roughly 30 min - 1 hour to work out. Did he really expect you to take that limited time to drive over, pack 2-4 boxes and then leave?? That’s ridiculous.
3. The fact he tried to guilt-trip you when he was upset by throwing in how he “envisioned the house with you in it” is quite manipulative and down-right juvenile.
If these are the only red flags you’ve seen in this relationship, I would suggest counseling. If he’s serious about building a future with you, then he should 100% be open to this. If he tries to dissuade you from talking to a professional, then you KNOW he doesn’t care about self-growth and in-turn, growing with you.
ewedirtyh00r
Nah, my ex used to do this shit all the time, I'm kind of wondering if this is him haha Everything he did was somehow for me, but when we split, I was left with literally nothing. No clothes, no animals, no home he said was mine, no Airstream we "both" bought.
All of words are ploys and facades and distractions. Gtfo NOW. I promise you won't regret it. This is love bombing, negging, future faking, and controlling all in one quick post. Girl, be worried and gtfo.
MonikerSchmoniker
I would feel …
pressure (to make the relationship work, even if I didn’t feel it)
manipulated (to accept the situation before I’m ready to commit)
peeved (how does he even know I’d like the place or the neighborhood?)
cornered (what if my job opportunities aren’t even in this town? What if my job is a long commute and I don’t want a long commute?)
angry! (Who the hell does he think he is, buying me a prison!)
alarms! (I don’t live my life according to someone else’s unilateral decisions)
What I would NOT feel …
obligated (to move in or to continue this relationship)
A week an a half later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: How would you feel if your boyfriend (M38) of 9 months purchases a home and says it’s for you (F34)? We Broke Up!"
ObjectivePea516
We basically got into a fight and I blew up with resentment about many things. Wasn’t right but I just feel like I could not talk to him as I kept getting interrupted mid-sentence, denied everything I was saying and accused of being something I am not.
I also realized that when we talked about the reality of me moving in with him, I mentioned that I could sell all my furniture but would want and need to keep my desktop computer/desk, his response to me was that he wouldn’t let me have my own room for that and to get a laptop instead.
The man has an entire room dedicated to his sneakers. When I also mentioned the commute and how I’d have to pay for parking, as I take the subway to work currently, (not a big deal in comparison to paying for the mortgage, but still an expense) he said there could be days he could drive me, then followed it up with “but you don’t ever drive me to work”.
He did not buy the house with “me” in mind at all. It’s clear that this is HIS house and he wasn’t going to share his space in any other way besides how he wanted it. We had plans for me to come over on a specific day but had also fought. I admitted and apologized that I could have put my anger aside and came to help.
However, I wanted reassurance that he understood that if I have my own priorities and we discussed this, he cannot throw it in my face and tell me I did not meet his needs. I’m not saying of course that in any in case I would not drop something for my partner in an emergency. I did not feel that he understood this.
And when I tried to explain this he said that I was “retracting my apology”..I just kept feeling constantly misunderstood and having to defend myself in this relationship with other issues as well. That was the end of that. Better to cut it off sooner than later and before taking the relationship to the next level of commitment. It definitely sucks.
AND I showed him this thread in which he of course was upset, says he felt betrayed. He called me “entitled” as he thinks I am saying I he bought it FOR me, which I am not in any way. He’s missing the point for this post in which I think he doesn’t want to take accountability for not acknowledging he was wrong for throwing it in my face.
The main point was guilt tripping and using the “I bought it with you in mind” response. Because clearly, even if the commute was not in mind (currently, I live in an expensive area so to not buy a house here is a valid point), the ability to actually live with him was not with me in mind!
He really absolutely did not care about me as a person and my needs or even can understand what a real relationship is. He skimmed through all 565 comments and screenshotted the best ones that validated him and sent them to me to prove, he’s a “good guy”.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
woman_thorned
He's a joke. Honestly, this is not a serious person.
Edit: y'all can stop replying with his side of it. It just verifies her story and honestly if anything she was being generous with him.
Bagafeet
Room for his sneakers, but she must buy a laptop and work on the couch. 🤡
Prometheus_001
I'm sure he had you* in mind when buying the house. *You not having a job. *You not having your own money. *You doing all the housework. *You not having your own transportation. *You being completely isolated and under his control. Well done on getting out.
OkeyDokey654
I’m glad you got out of that when you did.
The next day, the OP's boyfriend responded with HIS SIDE of the story.
"MY SIDE: My ex ( 36 not 34F) made a post saying I ( 42/M) told her I bought her house and has blocked me from commenting. How about I share some context?"
RhinoRev40
She only showed me this a few days ago, but for the past couple of weeks my now ex girlfriend has been curating the truth to extract as much validation as she can from this situation, and has prevented me from commenting or sharing my side.
She admits that I actually said - that I bought a house with us in mind. I did say that. When I first met her, I was moving away to LA. I had already lived in a home that was paid off for 12 years, but when I met her; i decided that maybe it's best and continue to build a life here, and should things work out, we could figure out a future together.
I had been looking at the market and one day, an amazing house came on the block, for 300k less than it was a months ago. I pounced and went to see it. That night i told her I saw a place, I even sent her the photos and said, I'm going to place an offer, which I did.
She seemed to love the place and see how much of an upgrade it would be from my current place - this is a 2M house, with 4 bathrooms, 3 bedrooms, 2 living rooms and most importantly, a garage as my cars kept getting stolen since I didn't have one at my current place.
There was never mention of us moving in together right away, at the time we were together for 6 months, wayyyy too soon. We weren't even saying "I love you yet" - and I did say that once actually, and she just didn't return it anyway.
That being said, since we spend 95%% of our time sleeping at my place when we see each other once a week, figure this would be good for us, and when it is time, we could move in together there and go from there. She loved the place, from what she said, this was supposed to be a positive. Now let's rewind though.
3 months into the relationship, she asked to borrow 4000$. I was not comfortable with it, but as usual, she made herself seem so much in need, that I couldn't say no and just break up with her there, but now I realize I should have.
She guilted me saying that couples have to work together and be there for each other and all that jazz. The fact is, within those first 3 months, I had brought her to LA while I had to be there on business and the total cost of the week that she was there was around 3K.
Then, over xmas, we went to another city, another 2-3K, as well as a punta cana vacation for 7K. So after all that is when she decided to ask me, and you don't need to be a genius to realize thst she chose me because clearly, she pinned me as having the money to.
Had this been my wife or long term girlfriend, this wouldn't of been an issue, but 3 months in - this was a big flag and i talked to her about it. As usual, and as a pattern throughout this relationship, she would get extremely angry, lose her cool and make me feel bad for "questioning her character".
So, fast forward to me actually moving into this house over a 3 week period. She helped none whatsoever, never offered and my own family, friends, and people who were working at the house asked me about it all the time.
Oh she has school, oh she texts me though and so on. Completely MIA until of course friday or saturday night where she wanted to go for dinners or go to shows - that we did, of course.
One day, once her exams had tailed down and she told me she was waking up early to write a paper, I saw that she posted a sunshine kissed selfie saying: yoga! Meal prep! Coffee! Sunshine!
And i wrote her privately: "you know, I feel you could have at least offered to help in some way today". Again, she loses it, tells me : "you know you don't have to tell me something just because it bothers you" and then eventually she says, and I will never forget this ever : "don't you think you're expecting a little much of me for 7/8 months of dating"?
I was shocked. For some reason, pressuring your boyfriend for a 4000$ loan 3 months in, but offering help in any way over a 3 week period is too much. I called it off, decided I don't need her and this relationship wouldn't work with this set of values we don't share.
A couple of days later, after trying whatever she could to flip this whole fight on me, constantly chaging the goal post as a pattern I had identified and made her aware of repeatedly over those 7/8 months, she eventually showed up unannounced, apologizing profusely, and apparently seeming to genuinely recognize that it wasn't right, and she could have offered.
I took some of the responsibility once she did, and said that maybe, I could have been more direct as to when and how. We resolved, we started to laugh again, this was a fight that we would "learn from" we both said.
Well, last week we disagreed for another simple issue, and she blew up as she does, yelling, calling my life chaotic, calling me eveything she can think of, and then says she resents me for wanting her to help with the house when she had exams!
Basically she took back the apology fully and stormed out of the house, I did not chase her. I did not text her, and I did not want to negotiate at all anymore. The next morning she said she acted like that because I told her she was fvkk3d. To be honest, I don't remember saying that, but I probably did as she was having a massive blow up.
I apologized for saying that she is fvkk3d because afterall, whatever I do is in my control and tried my very best to get her to see that blowing up like that, is her behavior to be accountable for.
That's when she shared the original thread... again - no words, shocked that for a couple of weeks in the background she had been farming all these comments about me, sharing our personal stuff and curating it in a way to make herself look like, you guessed it, a "victim" whose boyfriend "bought her a house"?
We met off hinge. She asked to borrow 4000$ from me 3 months in, and I told her since then that it just didn't look good at all, and I'd hate to have something like that I couldn't even share with my friends / family.
The facts that she only shared as the relationship went on:
She is over 40k in debt.
Got fired from her nursing job because the educator had it in for her.
Missed out on receiving funding from the school because of their online portal.
Wasn't able to apply to graduate because the school didn't let her know properly.
Hates her parents even though they gabe her a car, paid for her exams and other failed attempts at schooling in the past.
Told me that her last relationship was "toxic" and she didn't see a future with him but stayed with him for 3 years and when they broke up, he threatened to jump off their building, same building she currently lives in - where 1 bedroom costs more than my previous mortage did for the 12 years that i paid it.
Overall, yes i had reason to play it slow with her. I didn't want her moving in on a technicality, or making me responsible for all her bills or getting trapped if things didn't work out.
I didn't buy her a house, I bought my house, in cash, paid in full and she was well aware that. I bought a house because I had settling down in my current city in mind after meeting and had hoped it would work out.
But here she is complaining about if she would have an office in it, for...nursing? Even then, we never got into the nitty gritty of how it would work out, except for the fact that i obviously would not charge her rent but that perhaps she would pay for things like internet, maybe water bill, some food, cost of a cleaning lady which I have already had for the past 5 years.
A shoe room? I have 25 pairs of shoes in a closet. The spare bedroom would be for a baby's room, possibily if my future half is comfortable with that. The house has a lof of room. Discussions would be had but I realized that discussions could never be had with her.
She has rage in her mind, a wild sense of entitlement and at present time is currently getting evicted from her apartment, and has no full time job but all the time in the world to make reddit posts for validation.
This problem is solved, she is not going to move in, and i am accountable for my house and hope she becomes accountable for "her house". I welcome any comments / questions but i know I was dealing with a highly problematic person who will never truly realize her ways.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to all of the posts from the OP and her boyfriend:
MaryAnne0601
I have to ask because I’ve seen it over and over again. Why do rational adult people just hand over money early into a relationship? I once had a friend hand his gf his credit card because she demanded it as a requirement of being with her.
He gave it to her and I just looked at him and said, “Why don’t you just leave the money on the dresser on the way out?” He didn’t get it, his father did and was laughing hysterically. I told his father to explain it to him later.
A woman that is truly in a tight spot won’t ask you for money. She would be humiliated. Take a deep breath and block your ex on everything. Enjoy your new home. May I suggest putting some cameras and a ring doorbell in.
Since your ex is losing her place she will probably show up again. Don’t engage, she shows up don’t answer the door, call the police and when they show up legally have her trespassed off the property.
CallingDrDingle
Consider yourself lucky to be out of that mess. She sounds exhausting to deal with.
The boyfriend responded here:
RhinoRev40
I do. Very thankful i didn't propose, and didn't accelerate my timeline despite her constant reminders that she needs to have children soon or she may not at all. She'd say she wants me to be her baby daddy ect.. I wanted a wife first and that was not the one, obviously.
tipsana
A relationship that is less than 9 months old should not be this difficult.
pinkkabuterimon
Well, given the full context, I’ve decided I don’t like either of them.