'My boyfriend wants me to ask permission to turn when driving. Am I wrong?' UPDATED

"My boyfriend wants me to ask permission to turn when driving. Am I wrong?"

Basically, some backstory: I (23F) am in a longterm relationship with my boyfriend (28M). We met almost five years ago. We're not engaged or anything, but it is an exclusive longterm relationship. Our finances are pooled.

We work at the same place. The car, which is important in this post, is technically owned by me because my name was what we used to purchase it (I have/had better credit than him). I paid for the downpayment, which was $2,000, but our finances are together so we really both pay on the biweekly car payment. The insurance has us both on it, and that also comes from our shared finances.

My boyfriend is the one who drives the car most of the time. He is a bit of a control freak, but he really likes to drive whereas I could take it or leave it. However, he's not the only one who drives. Sometimes, for example, he will have me drive him somewhere because he is tired or whatever. However, the following have been causing arguments:

- He wants me to use GPS at all times, even when it's like to the corner store. However, if he is in the car with me, he wants me to go the way he says instead of GPS, but it has to stay on.

- He does not like when I drive without him. It stresses him out, and he will change plans to accompany me when I drive. I don't really mind, but I wish he trusted me to drive on my own? Sometimes I feel like I lack independence for no reason.

- The real thing that makes me fight with him is that if I need to turn, or change lanes, or literally anything, he wants me to ask first. Basically, if I'm about to put on my turning signal, I usually say something like "signal to left lane ok?" and he will say yes or no. If he says no, he tells me what I should do instead.

The thing is, like I said, even if I'm going to the corner store, or somewhere we go everyday, or literally just somewhere where there's no question that I need to turn right, I have to ask him. "Turn right, right?" or something like that is usually what I say.

When I DON'T, he gets really upset. Or if I argue with him about it. He says that lane changes and driving decisions affect him personally, so he has a right to have a say about it. In theory, I understand that, because it's true, whatever I do when driving does impact him.

However, it's a double standard, because he doesn't have to ask me. I've brought that up, like, "I get that my driving impacts you but yours impacts me, and you don't check with me before you change lanes or make a turn."

He says that while that's true, people have different boundaries, and it's something that bothers him, but that it has never been something that bothers me so if I tried to have that boundary now, it would be manipulative and just to match his, which means it isn't valid. When we are in the car with other couples, obviously none of them have this weird driving dynamic.

In the end, sometimes I feel like this is really weird, but other times I feel like my boyfriends explanations make sense and I just should respect it. I wonder if it's just a quirk I should accept and drop in the future. However, sometimes it feels like every year I lose more independence. Then again, I don't need to be super independent, so it usually doesn't bother me. I don't know.

Anyway, today we had a big fight about it because I didn't ask (it's honestly embarrassing to ask to put on my turning signal) and he's icing me out. Everything else in our relationship is good.

This is what people had to say to OP:

Middle--Earth said:

Nothing about this relationship is normal. Your bf is Uber controlling and is grooming you to be completely submissive to his will. Turn off the GPS. Don't notify him of turning etc. Go out in the car without him. Tell him if he doesn't like it then he can lump it.

thekermiteer said:

Everyone has rightfully alerted you to the fact that this guy is psycho and controlling, but aside from that, waiting to get permission (again, holy shit that’s a flaming red flag), is super dangerous.

Driving safely requires attention, and a thousand split second decisions. It’s also very instinctual. If you’ve got some a$$hole in the front seat barking orders, and/or you’re preoccupied with seeking his approval to move in traffic (or the bullshit you’ll have to deal with if you don’t) you are seriously distracted. And that makes you a hazard to yourself and everyone else on the road.

LissaBryan said:

Your boyfriend is INSANELY controlling. Like over-the-top ridiculous. You really need to reconsider this relationship because this is not normal or healthy.

copypop said:

Gross, the way this is written sounds like he's training you like a dog to ask for permission before doing anything for yourself. You're a grown woman, you're not responsible for HIS anxiety over you driving & you can go anywhere you want by yourself.

Sounds more like he's controlling & is following you around to make sure you don't "cheat". This would honestly be so exhausting for me I have no idea how you bring yourself to overlook it enough to date this guy. YNW

OP then shared this first edit:

I am really sorry everyone, I am really shocked by the response. I think I have not expressed myself well.

Second edit:

So, the comments started coming in really quickly. I thought I'd get maybe five comments, and I didn't expect them to be so passionate. At first, I wanted to delete everything and run. My blood actually ran cold as I was reading everyone's perception of my situation. My heart is pounding. I keep crying, but not at any comment in particular. I just keep crying.

This has me more emotional than I've been in a long time. I feel panic, because I feel like I'm right to question his weird boundaries, and I feel scared that you're all right that it's only going to get worse. But I am even more terrified of leaving him. He is my best friend. I like so many things about him. I would mourn our relationship so deeply, but you're all right and I don't want to mourn my youth and independence.

Either way, though, I don't want to make a decision right now, because I don't want to be influenced by the response that shocked me so much. I will take the advice of several commentors who said I should talk to my mom and let her know everything. As some of you guessed, my mom isn't a huge fan of him, but she has never said anything horrible.

But I have not told her all of this, either. I'll talk to my mom and get some advice from her. Maybe I will see if she can drive down to visit me and I can invite my best friend and talk with both of them, cry it out, and try to work out what I need to do. I really thought people would be divided on this situation because of the financial aspect and that it's his boundary. This is really throwing me for a loop. Thank you.

OH AND one more thing. If I do leave him, I will lose my job. They LOVE him. He is the only male vet tech and they love his work.

Five days later, OP shared this major update:

A lot has happened so I'm surprised to see that I only posted five days ago. It feels like it has been ages.

Long story short, my original post was about my boyfriend, who requires that I not only announce my intentions when driving (turning signal, changing lanes, windshield wipers, literally ANYTHING), but that I do not carry out my intention until he okays it. This is the most infuriating thing in my relationship, but I mentioned some other quirks of his, too.

I read the first 300 comments obsessively and mostly everyone was really kind. The fact that everyone felt the same way, and the things that were said - like, many women were comparing my boyfriend to their own abusers that they have left - IDK I just was shaken.

I could no longer look at my boyfriend the same way. I was crawling out of my skin suddenly. In my last update, I said I was going to carefully consider everything and discuss my options with my mom and if I leave him, I was going to do so thoughtfully. Well, that's not what happened.

After work, he wanted me to drive us home because he had a rough shift. When we were leaving out of work, I started asking him if he had any trauma surrounding car accidents or anything, because a lot of the commenters said his behavior might stem from either a traumatic incident or some sort of OCD. My question just pissed him off.

He was like, "is that what it takes for you to listen to me? You need to validate my boundaries with some bad experience? Would it make you feel better if I got into a car crash, is that what you want?" I started tripping over myself to tell him, noooo I don't want you to get into a car crash, I told him he's just really weird about my driving so I thought maybe something caused it.

We sat in the car arguing for almost an hour. I ended up really pissed off, as well, and he said SOMETHING about his boundary, and so I ended up saying "well my boundary is not being an abuse victim" which was a mistake. He started screaming about who was I talking to, who told me that, which made me say "do you think I don't have any of my own thoughts?"

He got out of the car and slammed the door saying I don't love him and want to ruin his reputation, that I don't care about anything but myself. Usually he wants me to chase after him, but I had the ick so severely at this point that I just called his bluff and left. I turned off my phone and drove to our apartment.

Part of me was intending to just get as much of my stuff and my cat and run off right then and there, but I only had like ten minutes before he came through the door, with our boss, one of the veterinarians that owns the clinic. I know I didn't come off well because I was so livid, everything I said was coming out emotionless, cold, and maybe even a little hateful.

So in front of our boss, who clearly had been told some of it on the way, he started saying how I was trying to take everything from him, that I was cheating on him, that I was all he ever loved but that I played him for a fool. And he called the car HIS. He was venting, screaming at me partially but really relaying all this bullsh!t to our boss, and he said I should be grateful that he lets me drive his car. I lost it!

I started going through our bank account and doing the math (even though they were both trying to drown me out at this point) and HIS ENTIRE PAYCHECK GOES TO HIS BULLSH!T, HIS GAMES, HIS PARENTS ALLEGEDLY, literally if he puts 300 a month towards our shared bills I am lucky.

I cashapp'd most of what I had left from my paycheck to my best friend and requested a hardship withdrawal of a considerable amount from my retirement account, which will be sent via check to my mom's house. While this insanity was happening at my apartment, I texted my friend to please come over immediately and that I was leaving my boyfriend and scared.

At this point, my boss kept telling me to cool off and go crash somewhere, that my boyfriend could drive me to a hotel or something and pick me up in the morning. I was unwilling to leave the car, or my cat, and waited for my friend to show up.

Of course, my boyfriend was pissed when she showed up, and my boss said I was being unfair involving other people (???? bro is actually other people himself?), my boyfriend threatened to call the cops and I said "go ahead, the car is in MY name, and I would love for the sleuths to match the police report to my post."

That really spooked him and he started crying about how I was ruining his reputation, and he was harassing me about "what did you say in the post, what lies are you circulating" but I was able to leave with my friend, cat, and car.

I have not been back to work. I will not be. My boyfriend has showed up at her apartment twice so far. I don't want to put her in danger, so I'm going to move in with my mom who lives a few hours away.

I do not feel empowered, I do not feel like a weight was lifted. I feel embarrassed by how messy it was, I feel guilty for some reason, and mostly I just want to sleep for a year.