'My boyfriend's best friend hates me and wants us to break up.' UPDATED
"My boyfriend's best friend hates me and wants us to break up."
I seriously can't do this anymore. This is half like a vent and half a cry for help. I feel like I'm going freaking insane but I don't know what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We live together. Things are going really well.
This is kinda his first real, serious relationship so we had some issues at first, but we communicate a lot and he's a great guy. Definitely the best relationship I've been in so far, outside of one thing and that's his best friend.
I don't want to be controlling. He can have female friends, it's absolutely no problem. He had issues with a jealous and manipulative girlfriend (didn't last long hence why I said first serious relationship), so I don't want to be "that girlfriend" if that makes sense.
I met his friend after a month, if I remember correctly. When we first met she was very sweet, kind and incredibly bubbly. As soon as my bf left the room, she looked at me like I took a dump in her cereal.
She started barraging me with questions who I was, why I got with my bf and a bunch of other stuff. It was like an interrogation and she kept cutting me off. When my bf got back, she went back to the girl I met.
I was so shocked, I didn't believe what had just happened. Every single time we've been alone together since, she has been a total WITCH to me. She's never obvious about it in front of my bf, it's never enough to call her out.
When she's with my bf she hovers around him, touches him or tries to be as close as possible. My boyfriend thank god tells me everything. Until a few months ago they regularly gave each other massages...
He stopped it immediately when he saw my reaction.. Friend keeps bringing it up amongst other stuff like "remember when we used to BLANK". She has no boundaries, she will cuddle up to him and I can't get mad because I'll look like a witch myself. Today she came over for dinner, and she crossed yet again another line and I'm done with it.
My bf was prepping dinner and she came up to him and hugged him from behind and KISSED his neck AND cheek. She was wearing a super low cut top and her chest 'accidentally' fell out of her shirt.
Later she showed her new swimming wear to us (????) and I could have killed her right there. I've told my bf about my concerns and he understands and listens, but he has known this girl literally since birth.
I don't want to ask him to cut her off completely. He always asks if it's okay first to hang out or do something with her, but I almost need to throw up when I think what she's like when they're one on one.
I'm so lost. I'm afraid. It's clear that she's into him (why in gods name did she never tell him this?) and she's told me it's only a matter of time until he dumps me.. It doesn't help that she's way prettier, younger and more adventurous as I am...
It would be an upgrade for him.. But he has never seen her act out to me because she is very careful about it. I've thought about approaching her directly but I don't see it going well.. Sorry for my English. Any suggestions are welcome..
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Why haven’t YOU said anything to this poor guy?? The two most important women in his life are lying to him by deed or omission. You guys are going to give him a complex when he finally sees what’s going on right under his nose.
FILM. IT. And then have a sit down with him and explain what’s been happening. If he resists, present your proof. And explain how you’ve been trying to not put him in a sucky position but that you can’t continue like things are now.
SameTrainer (OP)
I've told him, though she's never done it directly in front of him, but I'm also afraid that if it blows up she might confess her love for him, and he will have to choose. I honestly don't think he knows.
A few things...First off... maybe his "jealous/manipulative ex gf" was sick and tired of putting up with your BF best friend's BS. I highly doubt you're the only woman in BFs life that his best friend has tried to sabotage.
Second, forget the concept of "controlling". You and your BF need boundaries for this best friend. Third, definitely set up a recorder to pick up her Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde routine. Your BF needs to be aware of how she is acting when he is not around.
Frankly, if I found out my "best friend since birth" was actively being a witch and trying to sabotage my relationships I would kick him/her to the curb. That's not a friend. That's an adversary.
I guess in the end you need to really have a serious talk with your BF about her. If he can't see it, then he needs to be aware. If he does see it, he needs to set up boundaries with her. If he can't, well... he's being disrespectful to you and the relationship.
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
So it's been 2 weeks since I posted. I talked to my bf the day after and basically said what everyone else already commented and what I was thinking. No, I didn't secretly record her because that didn't sit right with me.
I told him her behavior was making me super uncomfortable and that he needed to set boundaries with her ASAP, or I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I was royally pissed while telling him this and he got the message. He texted her in front of me and even let me read it. I was satisfied and very relieved. I felt like I could finally breathe.
Well, his best friend came over a few times and was very nice to me. She wasn't being inappropriate even once, very respectful of the boundaries we had set. When we were alone, she was the same girl as when we were all together. A total 180. Great. I was sooo glad and happy. I thought she got the hint.
Skip to yesterday. My boyfriend is in the shower and left his phone in his pants on the floor. His phone keeps vibrating and I'm getting annoyed. I grab his phone, all the messages are from best friend.
There are pics of them being intimate, a video I didn't watch and a lot of lovey dovey messages. I scrolled back and it went back to at least 2 months ago until I had enough and had an emotional breakdown.
They had serious plans together. Honestly, I never came even came up in their conversations. He came back from the gym last night. We were going to have relations after he got out of the shower. He had been with her minutes before he came home.
I'm staying with a friend for a while. I had to take work off today because I'm a total wreck. Honestly, I'm still in shock. I seriously can't comprehend what's going on. I haven't responded to any of my boyfriend's messages but he knows I know.
He hasn't said anything after he realized it I think. Well, this confirmed for me I'm not as desirable as I thought. Funny how I genuinely believed he chose me. I can't even start to explain how terrible I feel. I've started drinking but luckily I have my friend here who is taking care of me, bless her. Cheers.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Bruhh!!! I'm so sorry that happened. They both are horrible monsters. You deserve so much better.
SameTrainer (OP)
Honestly don't think I'll get into another relationship for a long time. third time this has happened to me. it isn't a coincidence anymore.
This is horrible. You know what you need to do about the relationship but there is one thing you mentioned that needs a response. Something along the lines of "not being as desirable as I thought I was". Try your best to push that out of your head - his duplicity and infidelity is a reflection of his cowardice and terrible character, not a reflection of how desirable you are or are not.
Ugh. Poor OP. That makes the boyfriend so much worse in the first post. It went from him being MAYBE naive and actually setting boundaries with the girl, and "showing OP" 🙄 to him flaunting his friend with benefits in his girlfriend's face, and doing it on purpose watching the girls behavior KNOWING what she was doing. People are just horrible.
How many times will we put aside our intuition because we don't wanna be "that girl"?
soon as i saw a kiss on the NECK. i would’ve packed my bags…
I really don’t get people like the bf. You want someone else? Ok, then break up with your gf and be with the other person. What is the point of cheating for 2 months?
I think it's partly about money (she probably paid rent) and with this arrangement, I wouldn't be surprised if he really liked having two woman "fighting over him" or something. He was okay with his side-piece marking her territory in front of OP. He only put an end to it when it threatened to ruin his relationship.