"My boyfriend's kid warned me about him. Red flag?"
I have been dating Jesse for about 3 months. It's been a bit of a whirlwind romance. Jesse is the kind of guy I've always wanted, confident and smart and makes me feel like a princess. The romance is great and I feel like we have a deep connection.
Last Friday, Jesse and I went out and ran into his son, Julian (19) at the bar. Julian shouldn't have been there as he is underage, so I assume he had a fake ID. Jesse was excited to see him, but Julian seemed like he didn't want to see Jesse at all. It was very awkward.
Later, while Jesse was talking to someone he knew from work, Julian approached me. He told me, "He'll get tired of you. He won't care about you anymore and just see you as something he has to spend money on. Then he'll find something new. He always does." He said he was sorry and then left the bar.
I didn't know how to respond so I talked to Jesse. He told me how his ex-wife and step-daughters had poisoned Julian against him. I've always known Jesse to be very generous, so I don't believe the money part is true, but I do know that Jesse hardly ever spends time with his son.
He says Julian won't answer his calls or texts and avoids him. Jesse also works a significant amount and finds it difficult to balance his time. How do I know if this is a red flag or not? This kid could just have a warped perception of his father. But I can't help but feel badly for Julian, he seemed really sad at the bar.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He's 50 years old and chasing after a 27-year-old. Listen to his son. Someone that feels too good to be true usually is.
She's a 27 year old going after a 50 year old. Don't make him out to be someone awful for choosing to date someone so much younger when she's consenting to it.
I am your bf's kid in this equation. My father and I do not have much of a relationship, he tells everyone its because I was "poisoned" against him too. Truth is, my father is the type of person the I cannot find one redeeming quality in, so I have nothing to do with him. I never bother warning his "lady friends"-either they think I'm lying (my favorite was the one who told me "You don't know him like I do."
He spent 5 years letting her pay all the bills and randomly kicking out 1 of her 4 children everyone in a while on rotation before he broke up with her and moved in with another "friend" in less than a week) or it just falls on deaf ears. Eventually, they all figure it out the hard way...Trust the kid. You sound nice. Don't get wrapped up in this guy's BS.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi. It's been a couple of months since my last post. Thanks for all the advice, even though it was tough to hear. I ended up deciding to move forward with the relationship but keep an eye out for any other red flags.
To backtrack, early in our relationship I got a text from a friend of mine that he had seen Jesse at the local gentleman's club. I spoke to Jesse about it, and he said he did not consider it cheating because he did not get dances or touch the dancers. I let him know then that I would let it slide but in the future, I am not okay with him going to gentleman's clubs without talking to me about it first. He agreed.
But I kept noticing he would be out working late. He told me he had an emergency (flood) and had to work late and I ended up seeing him at a gas station that I was driving by.
I stopped and talked to him and he said he had just gotten off work but he smelled like cigarettes and alcohol and his clothes weren't dirty like they typically are when he works flood damages.
I also noticed he was very protective of his work phone. He leaves his other cell phone out all the time, but once I asked to use his work phone to look something up and he basically told me no and to go get my phone charging in the other room.
It all just built up so I snooped. I got up in the middle of the night when I was staying at his place and looked through both phones. On his work phone, I found texts to women.
On his other cell, I found a ton of texts to his ex wife who he promised me he didn't talk to anymore unless it was about Julian. Apparently she just started dating again a month ago, and he absolutely shredded her for it.
He said some very cruel things, like "you must have found a guy who loves fat women if he'll be seen with you". She never replied, as far as I can tell. Looking at those texts, I knew that any future with Jesse was going to end like this.
I also saw that he never messages Julian. What's worse, their text feed is Julian reaching out every couple months and getting ignored. One text from a few months ago was Julian telling him that his band had a gig and asking if he would come.
I remember that weekend. Me and Jesse stayed in that night and had a bunch of intimate time. He never even mentioned his son had a show. I felt sick. I went online and bought 10 copies of his band's EP a few days later.
In the end, I decided to just ghost him. He obviously had no respect for our relationship, and I felt I didn't owe him anything. When he was at work, I got all my things out of his apartment and left a note. I just wrote that his family was right about him and to not contact me again.
He texted me later that he had an emergency and had to work late...He obviously hadn't seen my note and I just didn't respond. The next day he found the note and started messaging me about it.
I decided to take a page from his ex wife's book and ignore him. As the week moved on and he realized I was serious the messages started getting hateful, things I don't care to repeat. I blocked his number then.
It is disturbing for me to think about what a cruel and vicious person he ended up being. If Julian hadn't talked to me at that bar, how much longer would it have taken me to see this side of him?
I also have this weird guilty feeling that I'm a homewrecker, even though Jesse obviously wrecked his home himself. I really thought of me and Jesse as having a potential for a long term relationship. It hurts to have those hopes crushed. I'm not getting any younger.
I got a lot of comments last post about the age gap. I'm not really interested in that. I know several couples with significant age gaps. I'm a grown woman, not a teenager, and I can choose to date someone older. Hopefully it won't be an AH next time.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Good on you for getting out. Think about dropping a note to Julian so you can thank him for the warning; the kid might feel better for knowing that his warning helped someone for once. Besides, it can be validating, when dealing with an abusive AH, to have someone else go "Yup, he's a jerk all right and you were right."
I am not going into the age differences, but it is a huge red flag when you meet someone’s child and the child doesn’t want to talk with his of her parent.
[pretends to be shocked by the update]
Jesse works so much and finds it soooo hard to “balance his time” but there’s always time for intimacy and lovebombing. 🙄 And following up on his ex’s love life so he can tear her down some more.
It's not that the age gap is off (which ofc it is but oh well), but also the whirlwind romance, the adult son coming and warning you against his own father, the lack of care wrt his son drinking, driving. I'm not even remotely surprised by the update.
imo the first red flag (…aside from the age difference) was him being excited to run into his 19 year old kid at a bar. to me, this reads like someone who wants to seem like they’re a good parent while not actually being a good enough parent to know how.
Julian did OP a huge favour! I wonder how many girlfriends Jesse dumped like that. What an awful man.