'My fiancée will break up with me if I tell her best friend's husband that his wife is cheating on him.' UPDATED
"My fiancée will break up with me if I tell her best friend's husband that his wife is cheating on him."
(m27) have been together with my fiancé (f28) for 12 years, out of which 3 years we have been engaged. I love her a lot and everything between us has been great. We do encounter problems now and then, but every long-term couple does, to be fair. The problem we are having right now is not so much to do with us directly but to do with my fiancée's best friend (I'll call her Beth in this post).
Yesterday while going to work my I stopped at a bakery and to get some breakfast. Right across the street, I saw Beth with a guy. First, they were just talking and I didn't think much of it and honestly, I was busy getting my sandwich. I turned around and they were kissing. I got my phone and took a photo (Not the most ethical thing to do but I thought the husband might need it).
I got home told my fiancé about it and also shared the photo with her. She told me to delete the photo and just ignore it. I wasn't comfortable with this and told her that instead, I would tell her best friend's husband because if it was me in his position, I'd like to know too.
Her concern with this was that it would really damage her friendship with Beth and that's why I should stay out of it. I disagreed and she told me that if Beth's husband found this out from me I should consider our relationship over.
Later that day my fiancé apologized to me that she didn't mean the breaking up part, but I really shouldn't do this even though that would be the right thing to do. I was still a little angry that she would just throw away a 12 year old relationship just to hide someone else's cheating.
So, I told her that I would tell the husband everything and if she wants to break up over this, I'm fine with that. Definitely did not mean the "I'm fine with that" part but I probably just said it out of pettiness/spite.
I haven't told the husband yet but all this has me questioning my fiancé's moral values and how she thinks infidelity is okay. Kinda messed up. It's 8 AM right now where I live and I haven't slept all night thinking about my relationship.
She did kinda double down on the breaking up part at the end if I proceeded on telling Beth's husband so I'm very conflicted right now. How do you guys see this situation? Should I tell him knowing that it might end my relationship?
Just to clear my stance. The husband will find out about this, may it be anonymously or directly from me or Beth. I completely understand that other people's relationship is not my business and I should keep out of it but there is one more relationship here, me and Beth's husband.
We might not be close friends, but we are friends nonetheless, so I owe him this much. My fiancé's moral compass is messed up and we need to talk about it and we will, because this marriage won't work out otherwise.
If this ends my relationship, then it really wasn't as strong as I thought it was and that sucks. I have the photo saved in a safe place and Beth's face is clear in it so I doubt the husband will have trouble believing that his wife is cheating.
I plan on taking to Beth too and telling her to come clean and do it the right way because her secret is getting out one way or another. Definitely not having double dates with her anymore.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She clearly knew her friend is cheating. If my BF came home and told me my friend is cheating on her husband, I would probably spend hours talking/dishing about it, with him. I wouldn't just tell him "ignore it".
Her reaction is weird on so many levels. She knew. Now the question is does she value her friend being a cheater more than your relationship, or does the friend have something on her. Also, I don't mean to pry but why are you engaged for so long? Like, is the wedding on the horizon?
throwRAy875678_ (OP)
Her reaction was definitely weird as heck. Today I'll talk to her more about this and see where we both stand on the matter.
"Also, I don't mean to pry but why are you engaged for so long? Like, is the wedding on the horizon?"
It's okay. We did intend to get married two years ago but then covid came around which forced us to postpone our plans. Both our families live abroad and both those countries were on the red list, so we decided to postpone until we can fly them here.
Been in your shoes. Ex wife was defending and even supporting her friend cheating on an amazing and successful man that would NEVER do that to his wife. My ex and I spilt around that time and so did her friend and her husband.
We connected and went out to dinner and he straight up asked me if his ex had been cheating on him. I confirmed it and got to watch him curl up into a ball in the parking lot and just cry for half an hour. He did everything for her. Put her through school. Tell him. And of your fiancé gets angry.....then forget her.
Almost two months later, the OP returned with an update.
I told the husband. At first, I thought of doing it anonymously but then I just went ahead and told him over the phone. He has filed for divorce and his wife left. The last time I talked to him, he said that Beth won't fight over the house (Their joint property) and had decided to leave.
He told me that even if she comes after the house his lawyer is confident she won't get it because of the infidelity laws where I live. This all happened weeks ago and he is doing better now.
As for my fiancée, she wasn't happy about this. I dumped her 2 days ago because she was giving me a lot of crap about how I broke her friends home. I didn't do that, she did that to herself.
We are currently talking about our living arrangements and It'll most likely be her who moves out.
Happy Holidays everyone. I hope your 2022 is as good as you are. 🎊🥳🎉.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
If she’ll cover her friend cheating, her friend will cover her cheating.
You did the right thing and exactly what I would do. Good on you, man.
Man that is so crazy that your fiancee is willing to stand by her cheating friend and not you. That's some major red flags. I hope things get better for you moving forward.
In my experience, those who are willing to cover for a cheater, usually don't have an issue cheating themselves. Your ex definitely has a broken moral compass. For me cheating is so abhorrent, that I couldn't remain friends with anyone who could cheat on their partner. I'd never be able to trust or respect them.
When I learned that my Ex had been cheating on me I was devastated, but that was magnified several times when I learned that many in my social circle knew and didn't say anything. So bless you for doing the right thing, and I wish you the best of luck as you move forward.
Anyone that condones cheating for anyone could clearly justify it for themselves. I can’t imagine allowing my cheating friend to nuke my own relationship, but sounds like they deserve each other.