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BF goes with GF to her ex's funeral, she gives speech about how he was 'the one.' + Final Fight

BF goes with GF to her ex's funeral, she gives speech about how he was 'the one.' + Final Fight

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"AITAH for wanting for break up with my gf after her ex's funeral."

VisualLifeguard8937

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. She used to be close friends with her ex, however he tried to make a move on her while she and I were together. So she cut off their friendship. They knew each other for about 10 years, they were high school sweethearts, and stayed together throughout college. They broke up because he did not want kids.

He died recently, and my girlfriend was invited to the funeral. While I wasn't "happy" so to speak, to see my girlfriend cry about this guy, I swallowed my emotions and offered my full support. She asked me to come with her. Here's where things get messy.

She kept talking about how she wishes they never broke up in the first place, and that she's never met someone who she loved as much as him. She made a speech about how, if things had been different, they'd be a happy family with children.

I had to force myself not to say anything then. Now we're back home, and she hasn't said anything about what she said. I'm so close to just leaving, but I just don't know if she only said that out of grief.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:

Aggravating-Bit9325

She would have left you in a heartbeat if he had told her he was ready for kids, you're not her first choice.

nigel_pow

Yeah. Imagine when the guests head over to OP's girlfriend:

Guests and family: That was a lovely speech. they look at OP oh, who are you?

OP: Her boyfriend.

Guests and family: Oh...

It's messed up.

Next-Status8671

NTA. People can say "Be understanding. She's dealing with a heavy loss." But, that doesn't magically fix the sting of the words she said that hurt you. If this was within 6 months of the break up, maybe I'd be more understanding. However, you've been together for 4 YEARS.

They ended due his desire to NOT have children so not only is she hurting you, she's lying about a dead guy by telling everyone the fantasy life she'd imagined for them as if it was Holy Writ. WTF?!?!?!

She's more than allowed to feel grief due to thier decade long history however, she not allowed to treat you as less than, second, or just good enough. You 100% deserve someone who puts you first always (with very rare exceptions and this ain't one of them honey) as I'm sure you've done for her. Hell, you went with her to the funeral of her ex because she asked.

You were there for her and she showed you where you rank in the grand scheme of things. Leave for you. Choose to put yourself first because guess what? She showed you in a room full of people where you rank. You deserve more than this betrayal.

BoomerQuest

NTA. It's completely unacceptable for her to say those things to you. She is full on telling you that you're the backup and she cares so little about you that she'll just tell you to your face with no remorse or consideration for your feelings. Insane.

THprod

Lol, this is so cut and dry. U gotta leave her. The loss of someone does things to you, like show your real feelings and intentions. She don’t love u dude she wishes that dude was still alive and she could be with him. Don’t be this guy that’s gonna be second in her life.

Four days later, the OP returned with an update.

"Update: AITA for wanting to break up with my gf after her ex's funeral"

VisualLifeguard8937

Hello everyone,

It's been a stressful couple of days, and my post got a lot more attention than I expected, it was overwhelming to be honest. It's been a week since the funeral itself, and I've been talking to some friends, as well as reading comments on my last post.

Truth be told, I've been hesitant to talk about this to my girlfriend about because she's still been depressed. She's not talking to me at all and I've been taking care of everything around our place. She's just been laying in our bed.

I've tried to talk to her, but she just shuts me out. I've been reflecting on our past relationship and realized a couple things. My girlfriend was never as passionate with me as she was with her ex, she never did anything as romantic or thoughtful for me when compared to her ex.

For example, she's never gone traveling for more than 3 days with me. But she traveled often with her ex, sometimes for years. It's not like I haven't offered. I was simply told to get over it, and that each relationship is different, and people said things like "If she wanted to be with her ex, she would be."

Something also to note is that some of you actually pointed my attention to another post. One that's about a girl going to her ex's funeral. I read the post, and I don't know if it's actually my girlfriend or not.

Some details are different, like our age, we're both 30. Also, I never said anything about breaking up with her for going to the funeral. I wasn't exactly happy to see her mourn the guy who wanted to sleep with her while she was with me, but I didn't actually say anything.

Now, that post admited that she actually cheated. I thought about this for a second, but it doesn't matter. Because whether she cheated or not, I already broke up with her.

I did have a talk with her. She refused to at first, by not responding to me. But when I told her I was leaving, she finally said something to me. I basically told her that I feel like crap ever since she said those things at the funeral. How I feel like she would rather be with her ex than me. That I felt like her second choice.

She started to yell at me. Calling me selfish, and that she's lost one of the most important people in her life, and I shouldn't make this about me. I was too tired to try to yell back; my things were already packed up.

I'm staying with my parents for a while. Our lease doesn't expire for a few months, so I don't know what she's planning to do. I don't know what to do now. I thought I was gonna marry this girl someday, and have kids. But she wanted someone else all this time. I appreciate all the comments, and I don't know if I'm gonna post another update. But thank you.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:

Appropriate_Item_752

Man you are doing the right thing, you absolutely deserve someone who love you as the first priority, I wish you all the best for your future 🙏

RickyDiscardo

"Calling me selfish, and that she's lost one of the most important people in her life, and I shouldn't make this about me."

Here's the thing. She didn't lose one of the most important people in her life. She made it clear that she lost the most important person in her life.

From your other post:

"She kept talking about she wishes they never broke up in the first place, and that she's never met someone who she loved as much as him."

"She made a speech about how she says that if things had been different, they'd be a happy family with children."

I don't know what other conclusion to read from this. I could certainly see feeling sad or down when an ex that you've known for a significant part of your life passes away. But that's not only what occurred. She wishes they never broke up. She's never met someone who loved her as much as he did.

And if things had been different, they would still be together. In each of those thoughts, you are, at best, second place. "Never" includes you. She is with you because they broke up. She doesn't think you can ever love her as much as he did. And if things were different with him, she would not be with you.

Is she mourning him and the significance he had had in her life? Or is she mourning someone she still loved, and mouring the loss of the opportunity to still be with him? You're not selfish. And you do not want to be with someone where you will always be a placeholder.

TheBeezSkneez

For her to scream that she lost one of the most important people in her life..really dodged a bullet.

ThrowRAgooule45

NTA. I would dump her. That's total disrespect. Do a little exercise and compare her to YOUR ex constantly, see how quickly she'll change the tune.

Professional-Lab-157

NTA. I'm so sorry, brother. It's going to hurt for a long while. Take your time to mourn the girl and the relationship you thought you had. One day, you will find a woman who makes you her priority, who really wants to be with you, and loves only you. Then you will realize how lucky you were to have this happen to you. Keep your chin up, champ.

Two months later, the OP returned with another update.

"Update: AITA for wanting to break up with my gf after her ex's funeral"

VisualLifeguard8937

Hello everyone,

I got a lot of support from this subreddit last time, and I appreciate it, so I figure I should update you all.

It's the day before Valentines, and I had actually planned something for my gf before this whole mess started. I can't help but to think of her. Our shared friend group didn't side against me, they have been supportive, to both of us it seems.

I've explained to them why we broke up. And they were all pretty understanding. My friend and his gf are friends to both of us, and I've asked them about my ex. Apparently she hasn't been doing good. She's back to work (she took like two weeks off work), but besides that she hasn't been out of the apartment.

She hasn't tried to reach me, and I haven't tried to reach her. Our lease expires next month, so idk what she's planning to do. She could afford the rent on her own, but she'd be scrapping by.

I've been tempted to reach out, I hated breaking up, but I hate even more how we broke up. It feels like I left her behind, when she needs me the most. If she reacted like this to ANYONE else, I'd be there for her, no questions asked.

But I know better, I know I'd be resentful because she still wants her ex over me. I wanted to thank everyone for the support last time, and I guess this is just me venting.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:

StlSimpy1400

Stay strong king. You did the right thing.

Seriousgyro

Good update because boring update. I'm happy too it seems their mutual friends are trying to be supportive of them both. She's clearly not in a good place, no reason for it to become a tug of war.

Wew tho...

I don't think there actually was a better way for him to have handled it. Even the idea of waiting a few weeks to let some of the grief fade in intensity doesn't feel right, given the who and the how of her grieving.

It's understandable up to a point, that person was a huge part of her life, but the intense longing? Basically fantasizing about still being together? There's just no recovery from that.

throwRA363636

“She made a speech about how she says that if things had been different, they'd be a happy family with children.”

She has been broken up with this guy for at least 4 years and she was the one to do it because he didn’t want kids. Things couldn’t be different and they’d be a happy family unless he was a different person because he didn’t want kids/family.

She’s romanticising the ideal she had in her head of her and exes’ perfect future that doesn’t exist because they were incompatible and it’s very easy to do when someone dies and they have no future anymore.

Admirable-Lie-9191

The audacity of calling HIM selfish…

Glittering_Win_9677

I hope he didn't give into his feelings and go back to her. It would only drag it out more.

A month and a half later, the OP returned with an update.

"Update: AITA for wanting to break up with my gf after her ex's funeral?"

VisualLifeguard8937

She finally reached out. I came back from work back to my folks' place, and she was there. My mom let her wait for me. While I'm upset with my mom for letting her in and not giving me a heads up, that's another issue.

When I came back, my mom went to the store to give us some privacy. I was a mess inside, but I held it in. She asked how I was and what I've been up to. And we talked as if we were just catching up.

I finally asked what exactly she wanted. She said she's sorry for what she did, and regrets how things ended between us. She went on to say that she did genuinely loved me, and she did want to start a family, but the sudden death of her ex simply hit her too hard. She says she's sorry for what she said and that she didn't mean them.

I didn't say anything, and was just trying to process what was going on. She didn't actually ask me to get back together. I told her that no matter what she said now, I can't forget what she said at the funeral, and how she acted afterwards.

She said she understood, and just wanted to talk to me. I told her that I don't think we can be friends, and that I don't hate her, but I just don't want to be near her. She left, and I was left a wreck.

She seems to be OK, she looked healthier than the last time I saw her. I'm actually moving out from my folks' place, and I'm not gonna tell her. I'm gonna make sure my parents don't say anything. I hope that was the last time I see her, at least for a long while.

Oh, and one quick thing I wanted to mention. My name is off the lease at our old place, the landlady was very understanding, I figured I should mention that because lots of you told me about that.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:

Fit_Reason7319

NTA - It sounds like you handled it well enough. You would have always known you were just second best...the next guy will be as well. Move on and live your best life, find someone wha makes you their number 1. Best of luck.

Dylanesl

NTA - You handled the situation with maturity. Recognizing your worth is crucial, and you deserve someone who values you as their top priority. It's time to move forward and focus on building a fulfilling life for yourself. Best of luck on your journey.

BigBiDaddyDomBear

Your ex GF is still lying to herself. In her mind she didn’t do anything that wrong. She’s already moving on. She came back to tell you she’s decided it was just one of those whacky things.

That’s all you ever get for closure with people like her. It’s best to delete all pictures or her. Give away everything she ever gave you. Don’t ever use her name; just refer to her as “my ex.” She lied to you because she was lying to herself.

She always held out a little hope he’d grow up and get his shit together. When he did that they could finally be together. When he died, that hope ended. That’s why she’s just walking away now. You were always her “mister right now.”

nerd_is_a_verb

Don’t tell your mom your new address. That was NOT ok what she did betraying you and ambushing you and replacing her judgment for your own. That was not her supporting you.

That was her telling you she thinks she knows better and that you are wrong. Dick move of your ex to ambush you as well. What a SELFISH, mean thing to do. Screw her dude. Dodged a bullet.

Rantarian

NTA. This was the best outcome you could have achieved. You'll move on. You'll find someone who doesn't think of you as a consolation prize. It hurts now, it'll probably always hurt a bit, but... you'll find your peace. And you'll find love again.

So do you think the OP made the rigtht call or were they not being sensitive to their now ex girlfriend's grief? Do you think they will end up getting back together? Should they?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit,Reddit,Reddit
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