When this bride confesses to SIL that she was not happy with the way she behaved at her wedding, she asks Reddit:
Burner account. I(29F) am married to "Nate"(29M) and his sister his "Denise"(29F) we are all childhood friends and I married Nate almost a year ago. Denise, at the time was 7 months pregnant with her first child, her husband is "Wayne"(30M). Not too long after our reception started, Denise went into preterm labor.
Her pregnancy up until that point was not high risk so this was completely out of nowhere and stunned all of us. She understandably had to leave with Wayne to the hospital and most of their side of the family left out of concern.
She insisted we stay and have fun and lord knows Nate and I tried but knowing that she was in unexpected, high risk labor was at the forefront of our minds and we made the difficult decision to end the reception about an hour and a half early and joined up at the hospital.
My nephew "Ben" was born that night and we were all excited but I'll admit Nate and I felt a bit miffed that our wedding day was kind of stolen by this event. We kept this to ourselves though, as this was obviously unplanned and it's cruel to put that on Denise and Wayne.
But, from that point on nobody ever talked about our marriage, just baby Ben. The times I think a relative mentioned our wedding can be counted on one hand.
I get it, new additions to the family are ultimately more important but my wedding day will never just be about my wedding, it'll be about Ben, and whenever he comes up or I see him I feel bitter because I'm reminded of what happened at the wedding.
Yes, I know I'm jealous of a baby. I feel like sh&t for it. Nate was like this too for a while but grew out of it, I'm still working on it.
Ben is turning 1 in 2 weeks and that's all everyone's talking about, not a peep about our anniversary. I already know I'll just be depressed and mopey the whole time so I asked if Nate could politely tell him I would not be there.
He did and Denise was pretty upset and demanded to know why, he refused, so she confronted me via text. She told me that she's picked up on how I seem sad whenever Ben is mentioned and said I'm hurting her that I can't tell her why.
I decided to be honest and tell her that I've been very depressed(not just for this issue, but it's contributing) and that I felt that my wedding was overshadowed and hijacked by her unexpected labor. I did tell her I'm not mad at anyone because it was unplanned, I just need to not be reminded of it on my anniversary.
She did not respond and just blocked me, but Wayne uninvited Nate and told him to keep him and I far away from his family. Nate's confused and I feel like shit. AITA?
Well... yeah, that's just how things go. Your anniversary is an important date to you, but with all due respect it doesn't really mean much to anyone else. You and your husband are the ones who are supposed to be giving each other attention on your anniversary.
You know that Denise didn't do anything to intentionally steal attention away from you. Neither did that baby. Grow up a bit. YTA.
Massively going against the grain, but NTA from me. You are allowed to feel upset. Being upset doesn't make you an asshole. If you were mad at Denise, you would be TA. But you recognize that it was not her fault.
You understand that your emotions are yours to deal with. You tried to keep your emotions from affecting anyone else too much. I think Denise is only lightly TA though for just blocking you.
I would suggest therapy though. Holding onto these emotions for this long is not healthy. I regularly see a therapist, and it helps.
I would also recommend a few weeks after your anniversary, trying to reach out to Denise and Wayne and apologizw and explain that you understand your feelings are irrational and that you mean no ill will and still care about Ben and them, you just are having trouble with regulating your emotions around this.
I’m going with ESH. On your part: I’m sorry to say, but your wedding and subsequent anniversaries are yesterday’s news to everyone else. This is generally how it is. The wedding and anniversaries matter to the couple involved.
If you ask anyone who went to the wedding or even in the wedding party : “it was a beautiful wedding” but no “the brides dress was fabulous! It looked like [dress description]!”.
Those details stick with the wedded couple, not everyone else. This is the general response. As for your SIL and BIL: it sounds somewhat like they expect everyone to focus on their son, and only their son, for the entire day. Obviously that won’t work for you and your husband, since at some point in the day you two will want to celebrate your anniversary.
Your SIL’s response when you told her about how you felt should have been along the lines of: “Oh! I was/am so focused on my son’s birth/birthday party that it completely slipped my mind that you also have something to celebrate. I understand completely that you and [husband] cannot be with us the entire party/day. By the way, happy anniversary!”
Your SIL and BIL should be understanding that you can’t focus entirely on your nephew instead of throwing a hissy snit and uninviting you. The family is undoubtedly going to ask where you and your husband are.
They will also get the snitty response of how you felt that your nephew’s birth overshadowed your wedding (and to be honest…it did). Either get ahead of the snit and go ahead and let the family know you won’t be there(“[Hubby] and I won’t be at [nephew’s] party since we will be celebrating our anniversary together.
We hope he has a wonderful party”) or when they comment on what SIL tells them you said reply “While [nephew’s] birthday is a very joyous occasion, from my perspective it did overshadow my wedding as the attention suddenly went from the happily just married couple to someone else entirely.
Other than that, I don’t appreciate being treated horribly because I and [husband] choose to remember and celebrate our anniversary instead of forgetting this special day to us and focusing entirely on [nephew] for the entirety of the day, which is the behavior I’m seeing from [SIL] and [BIL].
I don’t expect everyone to throw us an anniversary party, or celebrate our anniversary with us, but I do expect to be respected for choosing to celebrate our anniversary as well on the day and not just the birth of [nephew].”
YTA - You are unequivocally and most assuredly being an AH. She went into labor 2 month’s early. This was not planned and likely very scary. Sure, your wedding was “over shadowed”, and who cares. It was a one day party, Ben is a whole human being.
I also don’t understand why you think people are supposed to be celebrating your anniversary. That’s for you and your husband to celebrate. Birthdays are something a family celebrates.
YTA, and you appear to already know that. Now you need to work on yourself if you wish to continue having a relationship with your SIL and nephew.
Tbh, I get it, parts of it at least. Disappointment in the moment is understandable of course, and being depressed is no joke, but it’s simply not acceptable that this is still such a fresh wound after a year and you’re still this f-g bitter.
If you’re not getting help, you need to start. I don’t think Denise wanted to enter a high risk, probably dangerous labor(my mom and sister almost died when the latter was born 3 months early, so I know exactly how scary it is) over celebrating her best friend and brother’s wedding.
And as others have pointed out, people are not going to be celebrating your anniversary. That is typically done between the two of you and maybe you’ll receive a few congratulatory texts, nothing more. Birthdays, especially those of a child, will be more important. That is simply how it is.
I do hope that these comments serve as a wake up call for you and you can get the help you need to get past this. I really recommend therapy and a very sincere apology to Denise and Wayne. You know you’re the asshole, but I believe you can fix this. Best of luck.