When this bride is upset with one of her bridesmaids, she asks Reddit:
I (28F) am getting married next spring. My friends Ashley, Sandra, and Kate (all 28F, too) are my bridesmaids.
Last summer, I got them together over drinks and made cute bridesmaid-posal gifts, and they all happily agreed to stand with us on our big day. Ashley was my neighbor growing up, and I went to college with Sandra and Kate. Needless to say, we are very close and can tell each other anything.
Now, Kate has always hated long skirts and dresses. She’ll wear them occasionally for events, but she feels her legs are her best feature and often goes for skinny jeans.
She’s very into her appearance, but not in a vain way, I think it actually comes from insecurity and being bullied in middle school. We are having a church wedding, so I picked bridesmaid dresses that are long and have cap sleeves.
About two weeks ago, Kate called me and said she couldn’t be a BM anymore. I asked her why, and she said she had actually realized she was a transman and didn’t want to present as a woman at the wedding. I told her that was totally fine and I’d still love to have her as a bridesman in a color-coordinated suit.
She cried and thanked me. I asked if she wanted me to use a different name and/ or pronouns, but she said no. She asked me to keep it quiet, as she won’t come out until after the holidays.
Well, just yesterday I got a call from my cousin Missy (37F), who is my matron of honor. She is in a weight loss group with Kate, apparently, but she never put two and two together that Kate was “Kate, Lemon’s bestie from college.” Two days ago, the group had a meeting and got on the topic of body image.
People were talking about how to navigate situations that bring up body image issues. Kate shared that she feels she “looks like a 600 pound life cast member” in a dress, and she even tricked her best friend into letting her wear a pants suit in her wedding.
Kate mentioned something about the reception venue (very unique), and it was enough for Missy to get suspicious and put the pieces together.
I haven’t confronted Kate yet, but I’m absolutely fuming, and I think I want to kick her out of the wedding. But I was talking the situation over with my sister yesterday, and she said Kate might really be doubting her gender and I should be supportive.
The thing is, Kate could’ve just told me she’d feel too body conscious in a dress, and I would have let her wear a pants suit no problem. She didn’t need to manipulate me into it. It’s the lying that hurts me and makes me want to kick Kate to the curb. AITA/ WIBTA if I removed Kate from my wedding party?
ESH. Look, if Kate is trans, there is NO WAY they would be telling Missy and the exercise group at this juncture. This could be a cover story and you wouldn't know.
Or Kate could be lying to you. But in that case what you're still hearing is that Kate has enough body issues and dysmorphia around their body shape that Kate's willing to concoct elaborate lies. Kate still has BIG problems here.
If you care about Kate as a good friend, realize that Kate has problems regardless of the real story here.
And that in either case, letting Kate wear a suit is about Kate trying to deal with some sort of dysmorphia and major body image issues. Is it actually a problem in that context? Like, the lie is absolutely a problem if Kate lied. But is the suit a problem?
NTA-If Katie was genuinely questioning her gender she wouldn’t be gleefully announcing she tricked you into letting her wear a pantsuit instead of asking her to wear a dress that she was unhappy wearing. You owe it to yourself to let her know you are aware of the manipulation.
NTA. Lying and then bragging about it to a group of people. She is definitely the AH.