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Bride tells 18 yo cousin, 'you and your family AREN'T welcome at my wedding.' AITA?

Bride tells 18 yo cousin, 'you and your family AREN'T welcome at my wedding.' AITA?

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When this bride tells off her 18 yo cousin before her wedding, she asks Reddit:

"AITA for telling my 18 year old cousin I don't want her or her family at my wedding and this shouldn't come as a big surprise to her?"

My cousin Ally (18f) is my Aunt Laura's daughter. Sadly, Laura died when Ally was only 5 months old after a sudden asthma attack. I was very close to Aunt Laura. She helped my parents out a lot when I was born and my mom was going through cancer treatments.

When my mom returned to work she continued to help and until her death I was at her house every day after school. I'm 25 btw. Laura's husband Joe (Ally's dad) remarried when Ally was 2. I remember my family being so happy for Joe and Ally and knew Laura would be glad they had someone else to love them.

Things soured when Ally was about 5 and she started telling us that her mom and dad said Laura was no mother to her and her mom was a more real mom. She also said that her mom had done way more for her than Laura ever had and it was "a disgrace" to credit Laura for being her mother.

Some of the stuff she said was not that of a kid her age. But she would also say that her parents said Laura wasn't her real mom and stuff of that nature. It crushed our family because everyone had supported Joe and his second wife.

She ended up adopting Ally when she was 4 and it seems like it wasn't long after that when they started making Laura seem completely unimportant to the point where Ally would say Laura meant nothing to her, she hated that we loved Laura and her mom was better so we should swap Laura for her.

The bad blood ran deep and courts were involved so we could still see Ally. We did not welcome her family though. Ally would always speak so rudely regarding Laura. She told different family members to take down photos of Laura and put up family photos instead. She told us we were cruel to her mom for making it seem like Laura was more of her mommy than her.

As a teen she got worse and she told me once that I was so weird for talking about Laura like she was still here or like she wasn't years gone. Ally knew Laura had been such a huge part of my life. She yelled at my younger brother (15) for saying once that I would name my baby Laura if I had a daughter. This was only last year and my brother was 14 at the time.

I decided when talking to my fiance that I did not want to invite Ally for her to shit all over Laura at my wedding. A photo of Laura will be included in the wedding alongside my fiance's brother and grandparents who passed away a few years ago. I knew she would.

She would also demand I invite her parents and siblings. Ally confronted me over the lack of invite. She said she's either family or she isn't and I'm being a d&&k.

I told her I don't want her there and it should come as no surprise since she thinks I'm weird for loving my aunt who practically helped raise me when I was little and since she hates my aunt so much that she wants no traces of her.

I told her there will be more than traces at my wedding and since she feels so offended by that I'm saving us all the heartache of listening to her. She called me a b&tch and said I hate her for loving her real mom. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought.

damenache5 writes:

NTA. I get why Ally would feel like that and why her parents wanted her to accept her new mom as her actual mom but making her hate Laura and everyone who remembers her lovingly is so petty.

Ally might figure that out when she gets older... or maybe not. But I'd definitely cut someone out who disrespects a (in that case dead) person I love. Since she's 18 now she should be able to understand why you feel that way.

But it appears she feels like her feelings are dismissed by everyone who knew Laura and I see why it'd make her angry that her "new mother" isn't as loved as the dead person she never really knew.

I guess y'all already had some talks with her about that but if she still stays in contact after the wedding I'd try explaining everyone's feelings more. But I'd definitely remove any to be expected toxicity from my special day too.

NOgur2007 disagrees:

So it is a complicated situation. From her perspective that she can remember? Laura is just pictures and stories. Her mom is legally the new wife as she was adopted when she was 4.

It doesn’t help what the dad and the new wife said but every event? It was this woman who did it. It wasn’t Laura.

It was the woman who married her father. Unfortunate that Laura died from asthma when she was 5 months but she literally does not have memories or much of a concept of her beyond pictures. The bond isn’t there. Her entire life the wife is her mother.

Now, I lost my dad when I was 4 to pneumonia. I would be weirded out if family constantly talked about him every time I saw them and I still have memories of him. If there were a lot of photos of Laura and none of the cousin as she aged, she may feel weirded out by that.

Remember she has no memories of this person, her mother is legally another woman, and kids tend to be self centered. Also, is there a chance of some truth that family members may have been resentful she loves her adopted mother and felt it was disrespectful to Laura for the cousin to love her mother?

Could she have perceived this in any way even if it was not deliberate during the interactions she had with Laura’s family? She isn’t Laura 2.0 and she shouldn’t be made to feel like her identity is Laura’s kid when she has no true memory of Laura. She is an individual person who sounds like she was loved.

And it was great that Laura helped raise you but to a degree, it is rose colored glasses. There may have been factors leading to a souring of Laura’s husband’s opinion of her that your family was unaware of. We never know if Laura would have been a perfect mother because Laura died.

You’re NAH for not wanting her at the wedding but your cousin is probably valid to some degree in her beliefs especially if a court-mandated contact with Laura’s family was more about talking about Laura instead of seeing the cousin as a person. The cousin has had a different life and doesn’t know Laura at all.

At this point, you should probably cut contact as it seems to be causing heartache for everyone. I’m guessing the family was never able to handle the grief appropriately and tried to force it onto the cousin which helped contribute to this mess and unhealthy relationships around.

Sounds like the cousin has a healthy relationship with her nuclear family snd trying to force this relationship with the extended family will lead to heartache.

bananamama writes:

NTA. Not sure what's going on at Ally's, but: it is your wedding, and you decide who gets invited or not. As this is a rather fundamental disagreement which Ally cannot be discreet or silent about, there is no point having her there on your day.

Looks like this is a complex situation. Is OP definitely NTA. What do YOU think?

Sources: Reddit
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