'AIO for calling off my engagement after my fiancé's family secretly 'tested' me?' UPDATED 2X

"Am I overreacting for calling off my engagement after my fiancé admitted his family secretly tested me to see if i was a gold digger?"

I (24F) have been with my fiancé (27M) for almost 4 years. He has a really well paying job in tech and I make pretty average money. We’ve always split things fair and I’ve never asked him for expensive stuff or trips or anything. I honestly thought money was a non issue for us.

I never was interested in him for his money anyways. We genuinely clicked so well and I loved his personality. We are into the same nerdy things and his family seemed to really like me. I never thought I would have to worry about our relationship going south until now.

a few days ago my fiancé sat me down and said he had something he wanted to tell me and he was smiling like it was good news. He basically told me that his family has been secretly “testing” me for the last 11 months to make sure I wasn’t a gold digger. He said they were worried I only liked him for his income and wanted proof before we got married.

The test was that they all made it seem like he was struggling financially and might lose his job. His mom would casually bring up layoffs, his dad talked about how unstable tech is, and slowly it turned into “he might actually lose his job” and “you guys might have to really downsize.”

At one point his mom even told me I should be prepared to finacially help him if it came to that. I never wanted to bring up the possibility of a layoff for him because I didn’t want to stress him out.

I wanted to be prepared to support him if needed, so I started budgeting more, saving money, cutting back on random spending, skipping stuff I wanted, and just generally trying to prepare for the worst. I constantly reassured my fiancé, encouraged him, told him we’d be fine, that I didn’t care about money, that I just wanted us.

But this whole thing was FAKE!!! His job was never in danger. His income never changed. There were no layoffs. His family literaly planned this whole thing together. They kept it going for almost a YEAR. Subtle comments made in passing to manipulate me and test me.

Apparently this all started because his older brother went through a really messy divorce. His brother now pays a ton in child support and his ex wife got a lot of money in the divorce, and his family fully blames her and thinks she was a gold digger. So now they’re super paranoid about any women who dates one of their sons.

The thing is, I’ve actually met his brother’s ex wife before. She was dropping off the kids at a family night and she seemed really nice and normal. I never once got gold digger vibes from her and honestly it makes me uncomfertable how much they demonize her.

My fiancé said his parents finally told him that I “passed” and that they felt comfortable with him marrying me now. He said he wanted to tell me because he thought I’d be relieved to know he actually isn’t struggling financially and that it shows how much his family cares about protecting him.

Then he tells me that to celebrate, he upgraded our honeymoon to a nice luxury resort in Hawaii. I mentioned this resort when initially honeymoon planning but deemed it too expensive so settled for a more modest option. but I feel weird about it. I don’t want to be rewarded for being manipulated really well. Like good job, we tricked you and you were so gullible you believed it! Here’s a nicer vacation!!

I told him I felt manipulated, embarrassed, and honestly humiliated that his whole family was watching my reactions and judging my character behind my back for almost a year. He said I’m looking at it wrong and that I proved I’m not with him for his money and that this should make me feel more secure in our relationship.

I wish I could ask my family what they thought but unfortunately my mom passed away two years ago and I don’t have a relationship with my father. I’m feeling sad and lost because i don’t have a reliable second opinion to lean on. His family had become my family. That’s what makes this even harder.

His family is acting like this is totally normal and that I should be proud of myself. His mom literally said, “most girls wouldn’t have handled that so gracefully.”

I told him I need space and I’m seriously considering calling off the engagement, but I honestly don’t know what to do. I love him and this is so out of left field. Now everyone is acting like I’m blowing this out of proportion and being dramatic. Part of me wonders if I am. But another part of me feels like my trust is completely broken. AIO? I’m not sure if tests like this are normal. I feel weird about it. Idk. Please help!

TLDR: Fiancé’s family secretly tested me for almost a year to see if I was a gold digger by suggesting potential financial struggles. I changed my lifestyle and supported him, only to find out it was all fake. They said I passed and upgraded our honeymoon as a reward. I feel manipulated and am now considering calling off the engagement

Edit: A couple people are asking why he didn’t just ask for a prenup. We actually did discuss this before we got engaged and I told him I would be open to a prenup. I brought this up when he confessed and he said he wasn’t necessarily worried about divorce, the whole thing was about testing my character and making sure I was a “morally“ good person before he married me.

It doesn’t make much sense to me and feels like his whole family went way out of their way to do some stupid morality test. Ive never even given the indication that I’m shallow so it really hurts. I just think they are suspicious of any outsiders who come into their family.

Also, I misspoke when I said the Hawaii resort was all inclusive. I guess I’ve used that word interchangeably for describing a really nice resort.

This is what people had to say to OP:

ImAndileigh said:

In their effort to prove that you are a “morally decent person” they have proved that they are not.

ThumbWreckage said:

NOR. Honestly I think the question you have to ask yourself is this: will I ever trust them again, or will I always question if it’s a lie?

Answer that for yourself and you’ll have your answer. Good luck!

Own_Cat3340 said:

NOR! Also? The way his entire family came together and made this happen says that if ANY issue arises in your marriage, his entire family will have no qualms whatsoever about abandoning you and siding with him. Have a disagreement about baby names? It’s going to be his entire family against you.

What to do for Thanksgiving? His entire family will decide. This man didn’t step up for you ONCE in that entire “testing period.” He is not the one you want to make a life with.

And landninja said:

this is actually insane, it seems like your husband was giddy at the thought of everyone being able to manipulate you. NOR and i would reach out privately to the ex in law and ask her for her side of the story if you're able to

OP later shared this first update:

I’m really sorry, I’ve never posted on Reddit before. I’ve always just lurked, never posted. I wasn’t sure how I’m supposed to give an update. I replied to a comment but didn’t know if that was correct so here is the update here as well:

Thank you all for your comments. It means a lot to have so much support and validation. I knew right away deep down that this was wrong, but I needed validation, as bad as that sounds. I don’t have close family or many friends, so hearing that my feelings are normal makes me feel less alone.

This happened a couple of days ago, I’m still staying with my fiance right now but things are tense and I feel anxious pretty much all the time. He knows I’m upset and knows I need space so he hasn’t tried to talk about it since. He knows I’m considering calling off the engagement, which is why I think he’s been so sensitive around me the last few days.

He hasn’t been acting like it’s a positive thing anymore and seems pretty remorseful since I told him how much it hurt me. This morning, I asked him if he knew about it the whole time, and he told me that his parents started making the comments without his knowledge.

And after he overheard a comment they made to me while over at his parents house, he asked them privately why they said that, and they explained they were testing me. he decided to let them continue just to see what I would do.

From past interactions with his parents, I also know he has a hard time standing up to them or disagreeing with them, so it honestly makes sense that he didn’t call them out and just started going along with it. They told him that they were offended when I suggested an expensive resort for the honeymoon and made a comment insinuating that his parents would be paying for it.

They got it in their head that i just expected them to shoulder the costs of an expensive resort without question, which isn’t true, i happily accepted for a more modest option when THEY suggested it because I don’t want to seem pushy or entitled.

Plus typically the grooms family pays for the honeymoon so I didn’t know they were offended by that. Maybe I really did come off as entitled, but that was honestly never my intention. Regardless, I don’t think that justifies testing me like this.

He wasn’t the mastermind, but he never stopped them and didn’t see why it was wrong or manipulative until I told him how upset I was. A part of me wonders if he was manipulated by his parents to think this was acceptable. I’m torn between calling it off or having a conversation with him and asking him to go to couples counseling + set serious boundaries with his parents.

I also see some suggestions recommending that I talk to his brothers ex-wife. I think that’s a good idea but I’m honestly really nervous about it. I don’t have her number but I follow her on instagram, so I’m considering DMing her and asking to call her.

I’m pretty overwhelmed with the attention this post is getting but I’m super appreciative of everyone’s support and love. I think I have realized I have a people pleasing tendency and a need to keep the peace but I’m trying to force myself to break out of that. It’s all just really scary and I feel really lonely.

My natural inclination is to forgive and forget so that I can still have a family. I know that’s not the best idea. I know change needs to happen. Im still figuring out where to go from here.

OP later shared this second update:

Well, my fiance found this post. Honestly, I feel pretty stupid for thinking he wouldn’t find it. I didn’t expect this post to get as much attention as it did, so thank you all for that, but I was extremely detailed which was kinda dumb. He saw the post and immediately clocked that I wrote it. He came to me yesterday with the post, and I was super afraid he would be angry, but he was actually very understanding.

He said reading the comments was super eye opening to him on just how messed up this situation was. He feels bad that he ever even tried to spin this in a positive light. We had a pretty deep conversation, and he came to realize that he has been manipulated very heavily by his parents and family.

When his parents justify something, even if it’s bad, his brain will immediately try to justify it too because differing opinions were not allowed in his household growing up. This whole situation has started the realization for him that he grew up in a manipulative and emotionally abusive household, but was never given space to realize it because they had an extreme “us vs them” mentality.

So even when an extremely normal and well intentioned person comes into the family (aka me and his brothers ex) they will do anything they can to invalidate their character because they are uncomfortable with outsiders.

I have learned a lot about myself through this situation as well. First of all, I’m emotionally vulnerable and need therapy, bad. My need to belong has caused me to stay in situations that are unhealthy for me just because I’m so desperate for a family. I know that’s bad, and I know it will be hard, but I want to change.

With that being said, even though my fiance was very remorseful and apologetic, I told him I want to call off our wedding and take a break from our relationship. We both have issues we need to work on by ourselves before we consider joining in marriage.

I want to figure out who I am without someone to lean on, as painful as that may be, and he needs to seriously evaluate his relationship with his family and how they have affected him.

I told him that if in the future, we find ourselves emotionally healthy and the timing works out, maybe we can be together again, but for right now, that’s not the case, so we need to go our separate ways.

We still live together, and I don’t exactly have anywhere to go, so my fiance said he will move out and try to find other living arrangements. He will pay his portion if the lease until I find another roommate. Again, thank you all for your comments and support, they mean a lot to me.