'AITA for calling off the wedding after I found a card my fiancé gave out at his Bach party?'
"Am I wrong for calling off the wedding after I found out about a card my fiancé gave at his Bach party?"
Long story short, we were very specific about what was and wasn’t allowed at our respective bachelor(ette) parties. I originally wanted to go out of state with my best friends and my partner wasn’t comfortable with it. I suggested a group party where we combine it to the location I wanted to go to make him more comfortable and he turned that down as well.
Ultimately, he had his and I had mine and I didn’t make a trip of mine. They got a hotel in our local city. I did something small and came home. The primary rule is that neither of us would do anything we wouldn’t do with each other.
No strippers for either of us, no physical escapades with anyone, no flirting with others. You can call it insecure, I don’t care. It was my boundaries that were properly expressed and he said they were his as well. I followed my end of the bargain.
I had a suspicion something was off, as he told me he still wanted to keep in touch to make sure me and my girls were safe and then didn’t. He said his friend took his phone so he could have a good night, which I accepted as a reasonable excuse.
That said, today my fiance’s friends wife was going through their closet and found a card that essentially said that they were sworn to secrecy about what would be going on that night and that all strippers and “extracurriculars” were covered by the best man. It stated no phones were allowed so that there was no photographic evidence, which explains why his phone was “taken”.
It explicitly stated numerous times that everything needed to be kept secret, especially all of the grooms actions of the night. She confronted her husband, thinking it was from his bachelor party and he stated it was from my fiancés, but he refused to say anything else and said he promised he wouldn’t but that he (fiances friends husband) hadn’t participated.
She is obviously also concerned about what happened and thought I should know before legally committing myself to him. I’m so grateful for her.
I confronted my fiancé tonight, asking him point blank what happened. He insists nothing and the card was a joke. If it was a joke, why would his friend have acted so seedy? Also, why joke about something you promised to me wouldn’t be an issue. I honestly just want to know how far things went for my own health.
I scheduled an STD screening for later this week to be safe as I have had some discomfort, but I’m just distraught. He’s mostly just stayed in opposite sides of the house we live in and won’t talk to me much. He says he’s mad at me for not trusting him, but it feels like deflection.
I’m mad at him because not only did he break my trust, I think he might’ve given me something on top of it and who knows what that could be. Not to mention how much money we sunk into a wedding because he wanted the “full experience” whereas I just wanted to elope.
Would I be over reacting to call it off now, or should I wait until I have more definitive proof? I feel like I have a good bit just with the card and how weird his friend was acting about it, but I also don’t want to be wrong and put everything we’ve planned up in flames.
This is what people had to say to OP:
This_Papaya2140 said:
he needs to be honest about what happened that night, if he cant do that you should not marry him.
cheesewhiskycats said:
I was in practically the same situation almost exactly three years ago. I went through with the wedding. I am now divorced. Its a b*!ch to cancel things, its a lot more of a b*!ch going through a divorce xxx
OP responded:
Were you able to recover any money? I’m pissed off about everything, hurt about the potential cheating, but I’m even more irate about money that I didn’t want to spend on this in the first place being lost forever.
TaylorMade2566 said:
Your guy seems to continually push what he wants on you, ignoring what you want and I would have an issue with that even if this shady bachelor party hadn't happened. Tell all the wives and gf's what was found and ask them to talk to their guy about it. Someone will crack and tell the truth, then you can make an informed decision. NOR
OP responded:
The wedding thing felt like it made sense. He played up how he was in all of his friends and he deserved everyone doing it for him. Like yeah, cool, whatever, I wasn’t THAT opposed to having a big wedding, I just thought it was a waste of money and I hate that much attention on me. I like your thought on this, about to make an Instagram group chat.
Truebeliever-14 said:
Your fiancé doesn’t have a problem humiliating you on your wedding day when he and all his friends can snicker behind your back about their antics at the bachelor party.
szikkia said:
If you want out, you want out, doesn’t matter the timing. You don’t trust him anymore, for good reason. Is this something that you could move past in the future after talking about it with him? Will it sit in your mind rotting away if you marry him? You two seem to be very different in your wants and it sounds like you made sacrifices but he was unwilling to compromise or sacrifice anything on his end.
It’s perfectly fine to leave and cancel the wedding. This may just have to be an expense that you eat if your wedding expenses are nonrefundable. Put yourself first, do what you feel is right for you and for your future. Don’t let the time together or money spent be what drives this decision.
OP responded:
No I absolutely couldn’t move past it, ever and I have full intentions on leaving once I know what happened. Honestly even if he didn’t physically cheat, knowing he could promise me something (not having strippers) and then turn and do it would be enough for me to leave. I just want to be sure before I blow it up. But I think some tips I’ve gotten here might help with that.
Also if I test positive for anything because I knew I was clean before I met him and he was as well. I don’t know how long it takes to get those results back yet but I’m thinking I need to call around to people we hired tomorrow regardless and start canceling before it’s even later.
Ok-Organization-544 said:
NOR he went behind ur back. If he is being this deceptive the night before the wedding, imagine how deceptive he's gonna be during marriage. Dodged a bullet lmfao
And OP responded:
Thankfully not a night before the wedding. We planned them a little over a month out and it’s been a week since we had them. Still super short notice though so going to be a b*tch to cancel everything.