Man gives up custody of kids to marry new wife who prefers to be child free. AITA?
"AITA for marrying a childfree women when I have kids?"
Rare_Priority6957
I know a lot of you are going YTA with just the title but hear me out.
I (M30) married my highschool sweetheart when we were 19 and had two kids (M9 and M7). It was not a happy marriage and arrival of baby number two pushed us to divorce. We shared custody 50:50 for 5 years till I had to move to a different state for work.
My ex and I discussed, and she said she wanted to keep them full time. She also expressed a wish for her husband adopting our kids and I agreed. He had been acting like a dad to them for four years and will be even more of a dad to them now since I moved.
I only started to date when I moved states. I realised a lot of women my age or younger plan to have kids in the future. I don't want to. I love my kids but I also know how hard it is to raise young children and do not want to do it again.
Finally I met this women who was childfree and we clicked off. One year into this and I feel like she is for me. So I proposed and she said yes.
When I told my ex-wife this, she called me an AH for choosing to marry a women who won't like our kids around. I told her I see the kids only on call or when I visit. And she does like kids, just doesn't want her own. Since I am playing distant uncle to them, it is apt she is playing distant aunt...
My ex said it is not like that and what would I do if something happened to her. I reminded her that her husband has adopted the kids and is their parent too. She asked what if they both died and I told her I would then step up as the single parent I am. I reminded her we are all young so this is hypothetical and I can't keep my life on hold for hypotheticals.
She got mad telling me I am ditching my responsibility towards the kids. She said I should always choose my kids. Her husband called me later congratulating me on my engagement and said he understood. My family is on my side over this but ex wife's family is blasting my phone calling me an AH. AITA?
My fiance knows about my children and the circumstances. She has no problem with it as long as she is not expected to parent them. And I have no plan to ever ask her to be a parent. She has more of a fun aunt role with my kids.
A lot of you are hung up on distant uncle part. Let me clarify. My kids know I am their father. We videocall almost everyday. I visit them on long weekends and spend christmas with them. I called my role that of an uncle because I know what the role of dad entails. I realistically can't parent them from where I am. It's a fact.
About ditching my responsibility onto another guy, it was the best decision for kids. This guy was a friend of ours and he can't have kids of his own. It is knowing that he will truly love my kids as his own that let me agree to adoption.
About moving: my career is very important to me. The plan was always to move, sine we married. Divorce and split custody made me stay on for 5 more years. Staying any more would have essentially ruined my career.
I talked to my ex and asked if we could brings the kids with or if they would even consider moving. It was a no, saying her family was there. I would have fought for full custody but with how young the kids are and the fact that they have the two parent household, it felt like better choice for them.
Yes. They are my kids and I love them. So I also know what was the best option for them. I am not the greatest dad no matter how much I try. I realised it only after having kids and seeing kids with my ex's husband. Loving isn't about holding close, its also making best choices for everyone.
Additionally, my move meant i could build a more substantial college fund for both kids. Take them on better vacations.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Alarming_Reply_6286
Based on your reported information .... I’m not certain if this issue is just about your fiancée. It appears it’s more about your current relationship with your kids.
Your fiancée knows you have kids, likes kids & appears to respect your obligations to them. Obviously if your kids situation dramatically changed then y’all would need to have a serious conversation about how you would manage the situation.
However, YTA “playing a distant uncle” is a crappy way to describe your relationship with your kids. Even thinking that is bizarre... imo.
eta — No one is talking about who is actually raising these kids. OP is talking about ex’s concerns of how his role in these kids life will change with his new fiancée. How do they plan to engage with these kids as a couple?
OP still has responsibility to his kids. That should not ever change. These kids know who their father is. They don’t care about legal issues. OP literally calls them his kids in the title of this post.
Embarrassed_Zone_406
NTA, this might be a stretch but i feel like your ex-wife has other issues with this situation. perhaps jealousy?? kind of like a "i dont want him but i dont want anyone else to want him either" mindset maybe.
makethatnoise
He signed his parental rights away. It would be similar to someone who put their children up for adoption, but had an "open adoption". He made the choice that he felt was best for his children, and if he's in another state, and not an active role in their lives, at least he's admitting that and not keeping someone else from filling that need.
It would be inappropriate for him, after signing his rights away and having his wife's new husband legally adopt them, to continue to act like "dad of the year" honestly. He is not an authority figure. He's not the active male role model in their life. "distant uncle" is a pretty accurate way to describe the situation.
newfriend836639
NTA for getting married to someone without kids. While it does make me a little sad that you have essentially abandoned your kids, it sounds like they are well taken care of with a father figure in their life who has taken responsibility for them and the kids don't live with you or even visit. So whether your new wife likes kids or not isn't really relevant.
Emotional_Bonus_934
NTA. You're no longer a parent to your bio kids. Once your exs husband adopted them they became his kids. Your ex can't have it both ways; you no longer have children because she asked you to give up your parental rights and you did so.
makethatnoise
NTA. She doesn't get to ask you to give up your parental rights, and then get upset that you're marrying someone that doesn't want children. Honestly, even if she and her husband died, it's likely that someone in her family would fight for custody of the children, and since you signed your rights away, they would win.