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Woman's friend criticizes her for moving in with ex husband after car accident. + Update

Woman's friend criticizes her for moving in with ex husband after car accident. + Update

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"AITAH for avoiding my childhood friend after she called me a beggar for living in my ex husband’s house?"

Ill-Professional-503

My (29F) ex husband Carter (27M) and divorced almost four years ago. He divorced me. I was blindsided because I thought we had a very happy marriage. Unfortunately, this year I was in a hit and run and was hospitalized.

My insurance didn’t cover much and they never found who did it. I drained my savings. I couldn’t live in my apartment anymore since I could no longer physically walk up 5 flights of stairs. I had a job but was let go. I was struggling and it was a low point in my life.

Carter and I hadn’t kept in touch but he contacted me and said that I could live in one of his spare rooms. I had no other options. I offered to pay him rent but he refused. He has a maid for chores. I cook for him sometimes.

It’s okay. He’s very chatty and bubbly and if I close my eyes, I can pretend we’re friends again and we never took the leap into a relationship and a divorce. My childhood friend Claire called me to express sympathies that I couldn’t find a place. I told her that I was living with Carter. She insisted on coming over as she also had been friends with him and had refused to take a side.

When she arrived, Claire started to talk about how this was a bad situation. She asked me if I paid rent and I told her no. She said that his pity would end and asked if I wanted to be a beggar for the rest of my life. I told her I wasn’t a beggar. She said she would tell our friends. I pleaded with her not to. Claire then said that if I didn’t think what I was doing was wrong, I wouldn’t have cared if she told everyone.

I feel humiliated and ashamed. I have been avoiding her. She called me yesterday and said that I was being childish and emotionally manipulative for behaving that way. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments after the OP's initial post:

Realistic_Head4279

NTA. Your "friend" Claire is a busybody and is sticking her nose into your business where she does not belong. Her words were cruel and judgmental and likely inaccurate. You need to limit your contact with her and not feel that you have to defend your choices to anyone except yourself.

The OP responded here:

Ill-Professional-503

I’m not trying to be a beggar. I’ve offered to pay. I would even do chores and clean but he has a housekeeping service. He eats takeout often but he hasn’t turned down any dishes I’ve offered him. That’s the only way I can thank him.

crazyhouse12

NTA she is. Who died and put her in charge? What you do is none of her business.

The OP again responded here:

Ill-Professional-503

claire’s always been very involved in what I do because she says I don’t make the right decision like marrying Carter. She told me it wouldn’t work out because he’d get bored of me and she wasn’t wrong. She’s held that as proof she knows better.

angelmakr9

If Claire is so concerned about you living with your ex why isn't she offering to help you out? Instead of cutting you down and trying to make you think this is a bad decision she should be helping you.

The only person being emotionally manipulative is Claire. IMHO if your friends are being judgemental about your situation and they aren't offering other options then that really aren't very good friends.

OP don't worry about other people's options of your current situation they can't possibly understand unless they've gone through a similar situation. Just take care of yourself, heal and continue to do your best to appreciate your ex for his generosity.

P.S. you're not a beggar!! You're a human in a difficult situation and someone that actually cares about you offered to help you in your time of need!

The OP responded here:

Ill-Professional-503

She believes in everyone working hard for themselves and not asking for handouts. She said she could help me look for apartments or pass along my request for an apartment at ground level but that’s the extent of help.

I have tried to show my appreciation for Carter and he’s happy to hear it. He’s told me I can stay for as long as I’d like or forever but I can’t wait to save up and find an apartment I can live in. He is too close and too affectionate with me. There’s a part of me that still loves him and he keeps poking those parts of my heart.

angelmakr9

So let me get this straight, Claire whose family has money and is married to a wealthy man has the nerve to think other people should work hard for themselves and not ask for handouts. What a hypocrite!! And Claire is not your friend! Friends do not kick a friend when they get hit by a car and are doing their best to pick themselves up and move on with their life.

The OP responded again here:

Ill-Professional-503

Claire is privileged in many ways but she’s also very intelligent. I think it makes her believe that she would be successful regardless of what happened. But I’m also smart and life dealt me a bad hand. I did the best I could. I lived frugally and saved money and followed all the rules, and yet all my hard work was wiped out. I can’t try harder out of my situation, I can only try my best.

A little over two months later, the OP returned with an update.

"(Update) AITAH for avoiding my childhood friend after she called me a beggar for living in my ex husband’s house?"

Ill-Professional-503

A couple of days after my post, Claire reached out and apologized for using harsh words. I accepted her apology but things were still uncomfortable for me. She said she found an apartment I could live in.

It was on the first floor and had access to public transportation. The rent was high but not out of my budget. I would be living with three other people in the apartment. I checked it out and it was acceptable.

I told Carter that Claire had found an apartment for me and he flipped out. He said I couldn’t live there because it was a dangerous part of town. We discussed it and came to a compromise.

He would feel better if we went to a hotel in the area for a few days and see how dangerous it was. It was fine for the first few days but one morning a man followed me. It was frightening. Carter said it was proof the area wasn’t safe.

I told him this was the only option I had for now unless I wanted to go back to my parents' house and find a new job there or sleep on friends’ couches. My parents live on a developing country and I don’t speak the language well so that is my last resort.

Carter reminded me that he said I could stay as long as I'd liked. I told him I didn’t want to be a burden on him anymore. It was very kind of him to offer but I can’t take advantage of his kindness indefinitely. He said Claire was putting thoughts in my head.

I offered to pay him rent again and he finally agreed but he deliberately wastes rent money on silly things to prove a point. I told him that but he said if I didn’t like it I could stop paying or pay him another way. I dropped the conversation.

Claire asked me why I hadn’t moved into the apartment. I said I was paying rent to Carter and she chewed me out. Claire and Carter’s social circles overlap so Carter found out about how Claire was saying I chose to stay there even when she found me a new place to live. He got into an argument with me and said that I should stop talking to Claire. He made an ultimatum of him or Claire. I chose him.

Since then, he’s been very happy. I’m happy to see how cheerful he is but I can’t handle the constant hugs or snuggles or pinching. It makes me feel bad and dredges up bad thoughts.

I feel inadequate and crushed because he may be able to be platonic friends with me but I still haven’t gotten past the hurt. On a positive note, I started physical therapy and signed up for a free counseling program through my work. I have a tight budget so I have to make do.

Here were the top rated comments after the OP's update:

throwawtphone

Ok reading all the posts and your comments ....Are you sure Carter doesn't regret the divorce and is harboring romatic feelings for you? Especially since you could have died? Also Claire is completely into Carter and doesn't like that he cares about you. She may not want him but she doesn't want him to want you. Especially if she cant have him.

pepelino1

What Carter is doing for you, not even many friends would do, I think he still has a thing for you. Claire is not your friend, she is indeed jealous of you, no matter how many good things she has going for her, the one thing she wants the most, you have it.

CarolineTurpentine

Yeah this doesn’t sound platonic, it sounds like he wants to get back together in some way, and that Claire had her sights set on him.

peter095837

I agree. I have a feeling that things are going to get messy very soon.

RofaRofa

This is not concluded.

OP may wish it so, but it ain't.

So, hopefully we do get another update. For now, do you think the OP made the right call? Do you think there are more feelings involved here than anyone is willing to admit?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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