my father (41m) and my mother (40f) divorced three years ago. I live with my mother. my father remarried a year ago. his wife has two children (18f) (15m).
me (18f) and my dad got a matching tattoo two years ago. it was a simple outline tattoo of a photo of us.
after my dad got married, things started to get a bit more distant between us because he started to spend more time with his new family. besides that, i think he doesn't want to see me around them. i don't know why, after all, i've never treated his wife or stepchildren bad.
yesterday he refused to meet me on a weekend when we were supposed to spend time together saying he was unavailable and he reposted a story of him hanging out with his new family. while looking at the photo i saw that he got a new tattoo on his arm. it was an outline tattoo of a photo of him with his new family, just like the tattoo he got with me.
now i know that millions of people have these tattoos and it's not my original design. still i'm disappointed that he got a tattoo with his new family in the same style as ours because i always thought that tattoo was special between us.
now i'm thinking of getting it covered or removed.
i called my dad in the evening and asked him why he was hanging out with his family instead of meeting me. he said they planned it earlier which doesn't make sense because it was agreed in court after the divorce that I could spend time with my dad every weekend.
so "we planned it earlier" is a pretty BS excuse. he also knows that i'm totally okay with spending time with his family. when i told him that he said "it's not that simple." i guess i'm too dumb to understand "complicated" things because he doesn't even try to explain it lol.
then i asked him why he got his new tattoo in the same style as ours. he said he didn't think it would be a problem for me. i told him "you broke something special between us, how can you not realize that? i think i'm going to get my tattoo covered. you can do the same."
in result he thinks i'm overreacting and i shouldn't be so selfish.
my mom says what my dad did wasn't such a bad thing. she thinks we should sit down and talk, i'm not sure. AITA?
Here were the intial comments — but the updates came fast.
NTA. Getting a tattoo in the same style could have been a cool idea if he'd talked to you first. That he didn't then appeared to avoid you to hide it, shows that he knows it was shitty.
Even if that wasn't the case, it's your body and you're allowed to tattoo whatever you want on it including covering up a previous tattoo. But that also means you don't get to ask him to cover up his. You can hate it and tell him so but you can't demand he change it.
NTA. I'd want to get mine covered if I was in your place.
NTA. If your dad won't explain things to you then he can't be surprised when you form your own conclusions.
As for the tattoo, its your body. I know I wouldn't be happy having a tattoo that made me feel bad.
That being said, it might be worth seeing if you can sit down with your dad and your mom to see if you can get some clarity on his troubling behavior to see if that changes how you feel about the tattoo cover up.
I'm mostly thinking about the time and the cost and making sure you are very sure it is the right thing before spending the money on it.
The very same day, OP posted an edit:
edit: tomorrow i will try to talk to my dad face to face. i hope to discuss openly about whatever the issues are between us and find a way out. i don't think my mind will change about the tattoo, but i will not rush to get it covered. thank you for your advice. if things go well i will also try to write an update.
And then, on the next day, a full update:
this morning we had breakfast together and had a long talk. it turned out that the problem all this time was my stepsister. he told me that she was struggling with the whole marriage.
the reason he got the tattoo was to show her that he loves her as much as he loves me. he also said that she didn't feel at ease around me, which i was really surprised about.
we hadn't fought once, and we hadn't even been together long enough to have any disagreements. that's why he didn't invite me that day. he wanted to be a good father figure in her life. still, he said that i might get closer to my stepsiter in time, who knows when
he also said i can get my tattoo covered if i want, but he would never do that to his. for him, the tat still has the same special meaning. honestly, it would really make me feel like an ah to get mine covered while he keeps his, i'm not sure what to do
lastly, the hardest thing for me was finding out that they were moving to another state. his wife got a better paying job and he's going to start a business with a friend there.
he told me that he will be very busy with all the moving, but will spend as much time with me as possible until he moves. he also promised to visit me often after the move, which i don't think he'll be able to keep
i guess he's really moving into a part of his life where i'm not in it, and there's not much i can do about it. thank you all
Nine days later, in September (important for the story), OP returned with the last update:
today my stepbrother replied to my story and we started talking. i told him about the latest things and he told me a lot of things i didn't know
he said that it's true his sister doesn't feel at ease around me, but she never said anything to my dad about not inviting me. in fact, her discomfort isn't so great that she couldn't stand to be in the same place with me.
it was my stepmother who asked him not to invite me that day. and she came up with the whole idea of the tattoo
he said his mom doesn't like my mom at all. he's not sure if this is based on something or not. when i asked my mom about it, she said she never met that woman even once.
i think her dislike for me comes from her baseless hatred for my mom and my dad played along with her
also, i didn't mention here, but my dad told me they are moving in november. my stepbrother told me they are moving next week and that was the plan all along
he told me he is sorry for what happened to me and only told me these because he thought i had to know the truth. he also asked me not to let his mom know about this conversation.
my dad wasn't really like that, he was a good man. i mean, all those lies, cutting me out of his life, that's not like him. i don't understand why he turned into such a person, but i really don't want to talk to him once more to get it. he's moving away next week anyway
i told my mom about this and asked her to call my dad, tell him that i would never see him again. my mother passed this on to him without mentioning the conversation. i also blocked my dad from everywhere
soon i will get the tattoo covered. luv you
After the full story came out, the top comments came to a sad consensus.
Another sh***y parent. It’s so freaking mind boggling how parents can put their children to the side when they get remarried. So sh**y of them, any parent who does that deserves a spot in hell.
"when i told him that he said 'it's not that simple.'"
The classic excuse used by assholes everywhere.
Ugh I was really hoping that if there was another update it would be something positive. This makes my heart hurt for OOP so much.
When I saw there was a new update, I was really hoping it wasn't going to be something like this. What a s****y parent. I hope OP gets something really spectacular to cover it up.
Horrible father. I hope her mom is a strong support person.
I kind of feel bad for the step kids too. They found out their mom isn’t really a good person through the internet. I can’t imagine what oop is going through though, to lose your parent so slowly. I think she’s adjusting really well to it. I wish her nothing but healing and happiness.
"the reason he got the tattoo was to show her that he loves her as much as he loves me."
What? Why would anyone expect him to love his new 18 year old step daughter as much as he loves the bio daughter he's known since she was a baby? OOP's dad sounds really sketchy.
Damn, poor OOP. Dad's busy "upgrading" his family, and OOP just doesn't seem to matter as much to him. He's found "better" kids now, so the older model can be ignored and put on the shelf.
Probably doesn't like being called out, and doesn't like thinking of himself as a trash human. So gets defensive. But has no plans to actually apologize or course correct.
Meaningless platitudes when confronted. The fact that he has to lie to sell it is just... sad. Hope OOP can heal from having to deal with this dude's neglect and abandonment.