Mom hides ex husband's affair; he tells kids the divorce was all her fault. AITA?
"AITA for breaking my promise and ruining my kids relationship with their dad"
I(46F) have to kids 18F and 15M with my ex-husband(46M). We got divorced over 10 years ago, after I found out he was cheating and got his mistress pregnant. I was so deeply hurt by this, It took me a long time put myself together again.
After our divorce was finalized he got married to his mistress, they have two daughters 10 and 7.
Despite him being a POS to me, he was and still is a great father to our kids, and to not potentially ruined their relationship I agreed to not tell them about the affair after he begged me to not say anything, and that he would tell them when the time is right. We share 50/50 custody, tho since they are older they now decide when they go where and for how long.
I have been as civil as I could with the situation, for our kids' well being, and put clear boundaries in place, like there's no way on earth I would babysit their kids, after they asked me once.
2 years after the divorce I started dating a woman(43F); we're now married. My ex told me he felt like I never loved him since it turns out I'm into women, even though I told him I'm bi.
Our kids love her, she shares some interests with both the kids and we all do our annual Star Wars marathon on winter break.
Back in January, I started to feel like they were pulling away from us. At first I thought it was nothing, just kids being kids, but then they started to spend less an less time with us, and more with their dad.
I was a bit jealous I'll admit but I was also getting worried because they were just not communicating with me at all, and when the did speak to me they were just snapping at me or at my wife, rolling their eyes, etc. It was clear they were mad at us.
So, in mid april when my wife was out of the house, I sat them down and asked them what was going on, if they were okay.
My daughter got really mad a me and started yelling that she was not okay because I led their dad on, I lied to him, I hurt him, and how could I be such a monster to play with a good man's heart. She stormed out of the room.
I was really confused, so I asked my son, who was quiet, what his sister meant. He said their dad told them that we got divorced after I came out, and that I told him marrying him was the biggest mistake of my life.
He started crying and asking why would I do and say such things, and that I didn't just hurt their father, but them and our family. Needless to say I was furious, I told him to come with me. We went to his sister's room, I knocked on her door and begged her to let me in and let me say something, and she eventually opened the door.
We sat on her bed and told them that what their father said was not true. She tried to argue but I stopped her and asked her to let me talk.
I asked them to think a bit and do some math regarding theirs sister's birthday. They didn't get it, so I asked them her birth date. They tell me, and I tell them that 6 months prior we were in Disneyland having the time of our lives.
They said they remember, so I asked them when did their father moved out? It was about a month after that trip. I then asked them when was their sister born? It was about 5 months after. They started to get it and my daughter asked me if I'm implying their father cheated on me. I said yes.
She then grabbed her phone and called her aunt(ex's sister) and asked her if it was true her dad cheated on me. She had to beg her for an answer and her aunt finally said yes, she called other family members to confirm.
They both apologized to me and to my wife when she came home for how they have been treating us. They went to their dad's the following day and called us to asked if they could move all the things they have there to our house.
Soon after, I had my ex on my door yelling that I broke my promise and that I sabotaged his relationship with our kids. He didn't leave until I called the police.
Our kids have since gone low contact with him and his wife, they only go over there to pick up their sister's to hangout with them. My daughter uninvited them from her graduation. My son is not longer going to the boys' camping trip with his dad, his two brothers and cousins.
I've been getting texts and calls and voicemails from him and his family calling me an AH for ruining their relationship. And I've been starting to feel guilty because he is a good dad and I did break my promise. My wife says he crossed the line first. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA - your kids are old enough to have figured it out sooner or later. Your ex lied to them (first) to get the kids on his side. You just corrected his lie. They’re old enough to know. Old enough to make their decisions about their father. Old enough to realise their father has probably lied about other things.
Yup. Ex decided to f*ck around and find out. OP NTA - as a fellow single mom with an ex that cheated I’ve kept my mouth shut but if my ex ever decides to open his or blame me like the narc that he is, oh boy will that open the can of worms. You don’t screw with a parents relationship and intentionally lie. I’m so mad for you and your kids.
NTA. Respond with: “I wouldn’t have broken my promise of ex didn’t lie and tell them that we divorced due to me being bi. I care more about relationship with my kids then my ex. He made me a villain when he was the villain. I owed them nothing, yet he tried to destroy me. Screw him”
The OP responded here:
While I have told my kids I'm bi, my daughter said he told her I say that now just for cover, and that I'm not into man at all and that's why he said I led him on and played with his feelings, and his 'proof' is that I've 'only been with women since the divorce', and that's technically true, but I've only been with only one person since then.
Also being bi never crossed my mind until I met my wife, there was no coming out before the divorce.
What a manipulative, dishonest, cruel POS. He deserves everything he gets. You played his game as requested for a long time, until he decided to change the rules behind your back.
NTA. He told a gross lie and blamed you for the divorce, so you told the truth. It's maybe unfortunate that your kids are going low contact if he's a great dad. Then again great dads don't tell disgusting lies and try to shift the blame.
After reading through the comments, the OP provided a small update for clarification:
Edit: -I realized i'm bi when I started having feelings for my now wife, 2 years after the divorce, prior to that I thought I was straight. My daughter has been sulking about not seeing something that was right in front of her, she said she had no reason to question anything because her dad and I seemed okay with each other.
I asked them if they wanted to go to therapy, my daughter said that she would like to start in the fall, once she's in her dorm, my son just wants to be left alone with this for a while.
Someone said I should force them to go to counseling and talk to their father, it's like you don't have teenagers. I did tell them that what happened between their father and I is between us, and they can see him if the want, they just don't want to right now, they are mad because of the lying.