'My daughter blames me and my husband for ruining her book.' UPDATED
"My daughter blames me and my husband for ruining her book."
My daughter Sarah (18) is currently at college. A few months ago, she came to me and told me she was writing a book. She loves writing and she seemed very excited about the book, telling me constantly the word count and how many pages, the character development, etc.
She told me not to tell my husband and her father, James, because he can be very controlling and she wanted it to be a surprise. She came home for a visit a three weeks ago, telling me that she finally finished the book and that it was 250 pages, and she told both of us.
She sent James the book. He gets up much earlier than she does (about 4:00 AM, while she will wake up at noon when she doesn’t need to be up early) and in this time, when he read the first chapter, he rewrote it and told me that it would be an entirely new story. He told me that he didn’t like the original first chapter and that was why he rewrote the story.
When she woke up, he told her about his rewrite and how he had a “new, amazing book”. Sarah has a terrible temper and she got upset, telling him that she wanted him to read her story and she didn’t want a new story. He got upset at her in turn telling her that she wasn’t even giving his story a chance.
Of course, I was in the middle. Sarah was demanding I read her story, and James was demanding I read his first chapter. I read the chapter that James had rewrote and confessed that I wasn’t a fan of it.
Sarah was furious that he hadn’t bothered to read the rest of the story, and like I said, she has a bad temper, so she told him that she hated the rewrite. He stormed off to his room and I didn’t see him for the rest of the day.
Sarah decided to leave to go back to college, as it was a Sunday. In the morning, he sent Sarah this email (which he also forwarded to me): "From now on, I would ask that you not show me any of your writing or ask for any help editing anything. I am sure that by now you and Ma have discussed our problem, and I no longer want to be involved in your writing in any way. Please see Ma for your future editing needs.
By the way, the story you wrote is a rip off of (TV show) and is trite and poorly written. It would need a major rewrite if you wanted to do anything with it, and as I said, I will not be the one to rewrite it."
Sarah and James are currently not speaking. James and I argue a lot so our relationship is basically fine: He just does not mention Sarah. He feels as though he is the wronged party here because we, and I quote, “did not give his story a chance”.
I tried to read the book but I must confess that I found the first chapter a little hard to get through too, so I stopped reading and I told Sarah this. I told Sarah that I wasn’t a fan of fiction and that it was hard for me to read books.
She called me crying and told me that she worked for months on this book and was so excited about it, and that she wanted her parents to support her on it. She told me that I treated her like I’d treat a stranger on the street and I didn’t even try to read past the first chapter.
I told her I’d try to read it again and she said don’t bother, that the project is ruined and that she won’t be working on a second draft. I feel like the bad guy here and I don’t know how to proceed. Should I try to read the book, or give it up like she said? Should I be speaking to my husband or should I just let it go?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Wow. Your husband is a jerk. If he wanted to write a "whole new story" so badly, he should write it himself, not try to force his idea onto your daughter and then insult her when she is upset.
Writing can be difficult work, and finishing something even more so. Your daughter is young and just looking for you and your husband to be supportive of her new hobby, and you both just seemed uninterested and a bit harsh with her. I know personally, if I was Sarah, I would want an apology. But even just showing a little bit of interest in her writing would be a huge deal.
Yeah, my jaw did not close reading this. I almost think the daughter wrote it because it makes OP and her husband sound so terrible. I'm a decently published writer, my parents have no interest and I'm well beyond caring. Had I ever entrusted my parents with my book at 18 and my father pompously rewrote it "for" me and then stormed off when I didn't say thank you...
And now I'm wishing I'd done that--my 20s would have been a thousand times easier had my parents not been a part of my life. And had my dad pulled something like that about something as important to me as my writing, I feel like that would have been the final straw for our relationship.
She asked you two to read the book. Did she ask either of you to critique it? I have to ask, as a parent with kids a bit older than yours... WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?
Your husband is an AH and you are disrespectful. Is your husband a writer? Honestly if he's not he had the right to give his general impressions and a few constructive comments. If he is, he should have made notes. You don't rewrite someone's story, that's horrific.
And the way both of you are attacking the book is also terrible. You are here to be supportive, not a jerk. Have you ever written a book? It's freaking hard. And your her mother.
You read the damn book and you give her the most constructive criticism you can. If what you say won't be constructive, don't say it. You need to read the book, apologize, and have your childish husband do the same.
Uh, are you kidding me? That's your daughter. You finish the book whether you like it or not. You barely gave it a chance. A chapter? Seriously? She told you to give it up because she's already too hurt to care what you do. She knows how you feel.
I can't see any way you could mitigate what's already happened. Too late is probably correct. However, if you and your husband would apologize to her and admit you were both a little selfish in how you handled things, you might at least be able to mend things and maybe she'll get the courage back to start on her second draft.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
This update is very soon, but I felt as though it was urgent because today is Easter and I didn’t want it to be ruined for Sarah. I decided to apologize to her again. Since she told me explicitly not to look at the book, I wanted to tell her that I want to read the book and discuss it with her so she’d give the okay.
I tried to call her last night. She didn’t answer…she might have been out, so I wrote an email apologizing and telling her that I really wanted to read her book because I knew I was missing out.
She called me this afternoon and told me basically that I was too late. She said that she’d apologized to James and tried to appeal to me and both times it was a mistake. She also said something about how she didn’t believe I wanted to really read it and she wasn’t going to let me just so I’ll feel better. She told me not to bother calling again, and hung up.
I apologized and she didn’t forgive me. This is the first time she’s never been with us for Easter. I read all of what you told me and I don’t want to lose her, but I cannot control my husband, I can only control myself. I don’t know what else to do because I am pretty sure she is done with us.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Theres emotionally unavailable parents, and then theres this.
Hmmm...notice how Sarah accomplished something major (finishing 250 pages of writing of *any* quality is a big deal) and all the attention ended up on James and his feelings? I wonder how many times this has happened in Sarah's life?
Yuup. I also notice that, after James does his absurd chapter 1 "rewrite" and starts insisting OP read his first... it sounds like she gives in? Like, he does this incredibly selfish, messed-up thing, basically throwing a tantrum at the idea that the spotlight might be on someone else for a microsecond, and OP's response is to immediately reward him with attention.
She's thinking of herself as "in the middle" somehow, but she's actively supporting him and then being surprised that her daughter's angry.
A bad temper? Or has she been repeatedly put down and emotionally terrorized by her dad and just snapped. And of course mom of the year was just perfection. “My husband was a cruel AH to my child but she had a bad attitude so I’m caught in the middle!”
Good god, OP is a doormat for her husband walking on eggshells, and James absolutely sucks. The daughter doesn't have a "temper" she just know how she doesn't want to be treated.
I noticed Sarah only has a temper when James tries to control her and she doesn't fold.
James is a POS and did you catch that "argue all the time so we're fine" line??? Sounds like he's a big prick. To be honest, just this one instance would be deal breaker territory for me, but it seems like he does things like this all the time.