20 Year Deception: Woman confronts ex's wife about long-hidden cheating. + Wife's Response
"TIFU telling my ex’s wife that he cheated on me… 20 years later"
crazymastiff
I was going to ask if AITA but I really don’t think I am and even if I was I don’t care. Through a strange twist of fate I was at a wedding this weekend with my ex bf (Buzz fn) and his wife (Polly fn.)
For context, we dated 20 years ago. I was 21 when we broke up and he was 26. We dated for 2 years. I was very close to his family during this time but after the very sudden break up, left without an explanation.
This was before the era of social media. Hell, I think I might have had a Nokia I occasionally used when I remembered to buy minutes. So we couldn’t instantly get in touch with people, nor did we know wtf was going on in everyone’s lives.
At the wedding, I see him and his entire family. I didn’t realize that my friend was marrying into the family (different names and really didn’t talk to the groom much). It was a shock to everyone.
I expected awkwardness at the reception but his family was being cool to me which was strange, but whatever. I’m not one to force myself on to someone if I’m not wanted (important for later.)
Eventually, Polly is trashed and pulls me aside. She wants to “thank me” for leaving Buzz alone after our breakup. I’m thrown by the strange comment but drunk people say strange things. I say, “yeah. No problem.”
She continues to say, “he was heartbroken when you cheated, but I convinced him you were just a wh0r3 and to get over you.” I laughed and said, “what are you talking about? He cheated on me because I chose studying for a final instead of going out and getting drunk.”
I left the reception without another word to anyone on his side of the family. I went over and kissed my friend goodbye citing a migraine which I am prone to get. No drama. Now family members who got my cell number from our mutual friend or found me on fb are messaging me like crazy.
Rewind 20 years ago, when learned about the cheating the very next day from his bff who hated me. I called Buzz for the truth and he said “I’m coming home now. We’ll talk in a few. Don’t do anything stupid”.
That told me all I needed to know. So I got my few items I kept at his place and left before he got there. Like I said earlier, I’m not going to force myself if I’m not wanted. Buzz didn’t want me otherwise he wouldn’t have done that, so why bother with waiting for the excuses.
For months later I refused to answer calls. When he came to my dorm, he was immediately denied admission and escorted out as I had him put on a “no visitor list” (he wasn’t a student).
Apparently for these last 20 years, his family that loved me was told that I was a cheating whore and his bff who masterminded the whole cheating setup, seconded Buzz’s story.
Now, everyone is pissed at him for hurting me and lying to them for 20 years. They’re trying to full story but I just keep saying “it’s 20 years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m good and Buzz is good.” Some family has apologized for icing me out at the wedding and spreading the rumors.
Polly though is freaking out. She’s convinced that because he cheated on me, he’ll cheat on her and keeps calling me for more info. Our last conversation I said that I was blocking her and have. She tried to call me from an app though a few times but I’m just not picking up numbers I don’t know at this point.
EDIT: Attempting to recall a conversation I had over 20 years ago where I was shaking and about to vomit all the while attempting to sound confident… it was like Me: “Buzz. Just tell me the truth, did you cheat on me when you went out with bff?”
Buzz: sigh* (and we all know what that sigh is… it’s resignation and a last ditch attempt to get your thoughts in order. It was the sigh that told me everything I needed to know). “Crazymastiff, I’m going to leave work now and we’ll talk when I get home. Don’t do anything stupid, I’ll be right there. I love you.”
It is possible that Polly is who he cheated on me with. I don’t know. I wish them the best though. They’ve been together for at least 18 years. Buzz was not under the impression I ever cheated.
I’d imagine that Buzz had to tell his family something since I disappeared so suddenly. I think he just tried to save face and his bff was there to back up the lie. I do not know the full story of that conversation or who it was told to.
I have no idea what happened to bff. Again, over 20 years ago. I’m more WTF than I am upset. I’m sad that his father who I was close to died believing that I did that, but other than that… I don’t really care.
Edit 2: Ok. I unblocked Polly and reached out through text. I said that I’m sorry for blocking her but 20 years ago, I was broken and it hurts to relive that no matter how healed we are. I didn’t appreciate being cornered at an already horribly awkward situation and called that, but I can call her after work later.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Pavlovsdong89
Man, that's a whole lot of "not your problem." And I have no sympathy for Polly. Approaching and calling you a wh0r3 over something she had no part it that happened 20 years prior is childish behavior.
Beake
Yeah, like even if the cheating part was true... you're talking about something like that 20 years later? And about a relationship that happened when they were in their early 20s? Weird.
AmishSky
For the record. NTA. What a roller coaster. I simply do not understand why he had to lie. "We broke up mutually" would have solved the issue.
lmbrs
Plot twist: What if his bff just made up the fact that he cheated so that you would break up? You did say you never talked to him about it, you just got up and left. Lol
SSNs4evr
So did Buzz cheat? Or did the BFF tell you Buzz cheated on you, while telling Buzz that you cheated on him?
The OP responded here:
crazymastiff
Oh Buzz cheated.
The next day, the OP returned with a full update.
"TIFU telling my ex’s wife that he cheated on me… 20 years later (Update)"
crazymastiff
I’ve never updated before so I hope I did this right.
So, I called Polly a little bit over an hour ago and it’s very anticlimactic.
I talked to Polly and she wanted to know dates that he was still chasing me. I told her what I could recall and it seems that there was a few months gap between them meeting and his last attempt.
I assured her that never once since social media became a thing, did Buzz try to reach out to me. She said that about 6-7 years ago, she found out that Buzz had tried to find me on FB by stalking some of my old friends he knew which added to her paranoia. They went to marriage counseling and all that.
Polly was exceptionally… talkative. Apparently, Buzz was a mess. Went deep into alcohol and even screwed around with harder stuff introduced to him by none other than BFF (who OD’d a few years after all this went down). Polly hated and was hated by BFF and when he tried to come between Polly and Buzz a bit into their relationship, Buzz saw BFF was a massive AH and went NC.
She said that she didn’t mean to accost me at the wedding, but she’s always been insecure about me. She was drunk and those first years of insecurity all came back to her.
She said I was prettier than her (saw pics that he had stashed away or in family photo albums) while she always felt “deformed” because of a repaired cleft palate (she is very pretty and I reassured her).
She said that the family was in disbelief over my very sudden abandonment and a few times shortly into their relationship his family would slip and call her my name, or she’d hear them reminiscing about a family vacation I was on with them, or how good a few dishes I made were.
She also said that Buzz did confirm that he cheated followed by a bunch of excuses. I said that I really didn’t care to hear what he told her. I did say that I wish him no ill will and I’m truly glad that he settled down and found happiness, but I’m done with this.
I don’t want to reconnect with any family members, I don’t want her calling to commiserate with his wrong doings. I just want to return to our very separate lives. She did ask how I found the strength to just leave like that.
I told her that I had an amazing role model (mother), strong support system of family and friends, we had no shared resources to divide, and I have a low tolerance for nonsense.
Polly was quiet and said “thank you”. We then hung up. Of course now I’m wondering if she’s thinking Buzz is cheating on her and that’s why she asked me about “strength”. I blocked her again so I’ll never know. I do wish her all the best, but I’m going to return to my apathetic life.
Thank you for your support as well as some of your crazy comments (at least they gave me a giggle). I hope that every person knows their worth and has strength to do what they know has to be done.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
jello2000
The best revenge is a life lived best!
Sikarion
That BFF sounded like a fucking piece of work.
JRISPAYAT
Good for younger you seeing thru the bs & now you not putting up with any more! That saying "birds of a feather flock together" tends to be true for most. I can only pray & hope I can instill the same bs radar in my nieces & nephews & future kids.