'I recently discovered my BF has been keeping a blog mocking my business.' UPDATED
"I (29f) recently discovered my bf (32m) of 4 years has been keeping a blog mocking my business."
When my abuela died, I inherited the keys to her longstanding botanica. For anyone who doesn't know, this is a shop run by Latinos whose purpose is to sell religious, esoteric things. We sell the seven-day candles you'll see at memorial sites, herbs, oils, statues, books, services, etc.
These are all things I grew up surrounded by and things that mean the world to me. I love them. To me, the scent of Florida Water and Hoyt's Cologne are home.
I took business classes to run the shop properly, and it is a successful business. We profit off it nicely and we made some changes over the years, including services that you can't get at shops around us. We care deeply for all of our customers. I spend about 8am-4pm there every day, and it's like going to my other home.
My boyfriend, Thomas, works from home. He does tech work and things like that. He's always been a huge supporter of my business because he knows how much it means to me. He knows it's a part of my cultural heritage, of my life, and of my ancestors and family.
He also knows that I do not 100% believe in the things we do. I believe in many of them, but I am not hardboiled religious and I don't adhere to many religious rules.
Well the other day, I made us some breakfast, he finished very fast and went out for his morning jog. I asked him if I could use his computer to do a few things since it was right there and I'm a slow eater. He agreed and just turned it over to me. He left on his run, and I got to work. I just wanted to do a few accounting type things and also do some research for an upcoming trip we have to Havana.
But when I opened his browser, several tabs were open, so I clicked to a different browser so as not to disturb his (since I never know what's work and what's play with him). The other browser had one thing up: the blog.
I noticed he didn't use the name of the shop, but there was a clear picture of it. And underneath there were probably 50 entries so far. I didn't go through and read them all, because after I saw the first one, I got the idea. I got the idea clear as day.
He was making fun of it. All of it. Everything. My heart shattered. He made fun of the customers, of some of the products we have. One of the things we are known for is an extensive collection of candles for different saints, orishas, and figures. He mocks some of the orishas and their candles and the novenas.
What broke my heart the most is that he made fun of the one figure who I like the most, who I don't want to mention because I don't want to offend. I keep a small home altar to the figure and tend to it carefully and with love. He makes fun of the altar and talks about how nonsensical it is and everything.
The comments range from nothing to spam to dedicated followers who talk about his "crazy" girlfriend, how I'm absolutely nuts and he should run away, who would believe in any of this (a lot of people..) and things like that.
I was so stunned and absolutely hurt that I had to check how long ago he made it. I saved the address and read through all of it while I was at work and cried.
I don't know how to address this with him. He's been keeping the blog for 2 years now. My heart is shattered because our relationship has been nothing but love and smooth sailing, excitement and joy. He never shared my spirituality with me and it was never something that I requested of him. I even keep my altar out of view out of respect for his own preferences. What do I do? How do we come back from this?
To me, it is not just about the spirituality. i have grown up hearing people laugh at it and call it kooky and made up, strange and all of that. But it is my grandmother's business, it is my ancestry and it is my heritage. To me, he is mocking those directly. What do I do?
Let's see what readers thought of this.
My goodness, OP that's so awful. It makes me want to cry just hearing that this happened to you! The only thing you can do is talk to him about it. And I think you need to say something along the lines of this:
"To me, it is not just about the spirituality. i have grown up hearing people laugh at it and call it cooky and made up, strange and all of that. But it is my grandmother's business, it is my ancestry and it is my heritage. To me, he is mocking those directly."
It's not funny, it's not a laughing matter, and it is insanely disrespectful! And the fact that he's been carrying on with it for so long -- I really can't wrap my head around why someone would mock something so personal and cherished that they supposedly love. That's the most childish thing I've ever heard -- I had to go back and check his age at the top of the post.
Confront him, OP. He needs to apologize, take this blog down, and beg for your forgiveness.
How do I confront him? I've honestly never had to confront someone about something like this before.
Wow. I don't know if I could live with this. It's one thing if he privately feels it's all a bit silly and keeps that to himself. It's another thing entirely to make a blog dedicated to mockery of your beliefs, your business, your heritage, your everything.
When he gets home, tell him he left his blog open and see what he says. But dang. If it were me, this would probably be the end.
This is disgusting. The fact that the blogs been going for TWO years proves it isn't just a one time "joke." This is a well thought out and prepared blog he uses to put down your beliefs, and make himself feel better. You need to talk with him, and depending on what he says either continue the relationship or cut it off. The blog obviously needs to be shut down.
One week later, OP shared this update:
I had my heart set on not just getting up and leaving. There was still some things that we needed to talk about, so when I got home two days after I made that post and had time to think about it, I confronted him.
I started reading one of his posts off to him. He asked me how I found out, I was honest and told him. He started to get annoyed and asked me why I was snooping (I wasn't), and then he started up with his defense before I could even get a word in!
He told me that he always had a hard time understanding how I could be a part of something where there was no "logic" behind it, how I could take money from anyone knowing that "that stuff is fake" and everything. I let him say what he needed to say.
I asked him, is that really how you feel? And he said yes, and that he was happy to finally get it off my chest. He'd just insulted me, my beliefs, my family history, all of it, in the span of 20 minutes.
I told him that if that's how he feels, he needs to leave. The place we live in was mine originally, he just moved in after we were dating for a while because it was easier. I didn't want to have to stoop that low, but living with someone who thinks that little of what I do and my business -- the business that's supported our very comfortable lives for all this time -- isn't something I can compromise on.
He asked me if I was breaking up with him because oft his, that it was his right, as an American with free speech to do what he's doing, and that I'm trying to censor him like "all religious nuts" do.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing so I just asked him to leave. Over the next days he collected his things and when he got out his last box, he told me that he would not come back, but that I could bet he would still be posting on his blog about my shop. I think the last thing I said to him was to have fun with his 15 blog readers.
I am really heartbroken over this and very sad it came to this. It's going to be a long time before I try dating again.
tl;dr: Confronted him about this and he blew it into his right as an American with free speech, and I was censoring him. I kicked him out and have no intention of dating. Anytime soon.