Grieving mother contemplates divorcing husband after losing 6yo in tragic car accident.
*Trigger Warning: This story includes loss and death.*
"WIBTA If I Divorce My Husband After The Death Of Our Child?'
Littleladybugu
My husband, Liam (39M) and I (36F) have been married for 11 years, together for 15. A couple of years ago, our little bundle of joy, our six-year old daughter was snatched away from us in a car accident, in which Liam was driving.
I was back home when I had received a call from the hospital. Liam was in ICU for a month, while I received the terrible news of the death of our daughter who died on spot. He went in shock when he heard the news.
Ever since then, Liam has completely withdrawn from me. He took off all the pictures which contained our daughter, turned her room into his study, and pretended as if our daughter never existed. I knew he was grieving, many times I had heard him silently weeping in our daughter's room.
I tried to get him into therapy, or for us to go to counselling, but he had shut down my offer every single time, and goes in rage whenever I mention it, he yells, he breaks things, and storms off, and doesn't come back home for a couple of days, leaving me worried sick. He barely comes home nowadays, completely avoids me, and rejects my every attempt for comfort.
Once, when I had tried to make him understand that this wasn't what our daughter would have wanted, he completely lost it, smashed a flower pot against the wall, and told me to go F myself or better, never come back.
Liam was never like this, he was a very sweet, calm and patient man, and loved our daughter to death, so much so, that her first word was 'Dada'. I still love him, but I miss our daughter too, I need some comfort too, neither of us have any siblings, and our close friends are in different countries.
Liam is NC with his mother while his father had died shortly after the birth of our daughter. My parents tried to comfort me as much as they could, they told me to be patient with him, to help him get back on his feet, but I am tired, I tried everything.
Earlier, we used to share the household chores, but now I have completely taken them on myself so that he can grieve in peace. I cook his favorite meals, which he throws away without even taking a single bite.
The last straw was a couple of months ago, when I had told him if he doesn't get into therapy, I'd file for a divorce. He coldly smiled at me, and thanked me for showing him my true colors, he told me to go ahead with the divorce since I seem so eager to ditch him.
I feel guilty, horrible and completely useless, but I just can't go on like this any longer. Should I give him more time? Would things get better? WIBTA if I leave him now, when I am supposed to be comforting him?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Available-Studio-164
OP, there comes a time to take care of yourself. Grief is a monster that turns many cold, you seem like you’re ready to try to move on and gain some sense of peace. You cannot do so in this environment it sounds like. Save yourself this time, Liam will be okay. You deserve to live. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace.
QuarantinisRUs
Also, I’m curious if Liam suffered a TBI in the crash because although grief can and does change people, in these situations TBI is also likely and could be compounding the issue. I’m not saying OP should martyr herself but I would be concerned medically as well as emotionally for him.
facinationstreet
NTA. He doesn't get to weaponize his grief, guilt and anger against you for years and then turn that around as YOU abandoning HIM. Sounds like he abandoned you the day of the accident.
The OP responded here:
Littleladybugu
Our daughter was stubbornly demanding ice cream that night, but I had firmly refused. But Liam could never say no to his little girl, and they had gone out to buy ice-cream, but then my daughter never returned.
litt3lli0n
"When I am supposed to be comforting him?"
You're supposed to be comforting each other. This is all very one-sided and unfair to you. He is not the only one who lost someone one and he seems to think that his grief is all that matters.
NTA. You need to take care of yourself too. Yes, grief takes time, but there comes a point where it becomes complicated grief and it sounds like that's what happening. He needs to get help, but it's not your job to do that for him.
I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through.
You deserve comfort as well. Focus on yourself and do what you need to do, for you.
Hyacinth_Bouque
"thanked me for showing him my true colors"
Sure that's what it is! This man you are living with is not the one you married. His grief and survivor's guilt have completely taken over and made him into a new person that seems to be happy being cruel to you.
Sadly, you have had to shelve your grief and pander to him and his tantrums. There's no shame in deciding enough is enough. You have tried your best, now it is time to move on and build some semblance of a life for yourself. You are only 36! NTA.
SandraDeeSD
NTA- you need to take care of yourself number one. He may wake up after hitting rock bottom, he may not. You can’t help anyone without your own life mask on though. I am so sorry you have gone through this, but I hope you are going to counseling yourself.
From other’s stories this doesn’t seem like a terribly uncommon occurrence. If I were you I would go stay with family for a while, like a couple months. Be around support, which should give you clarity. For now, consider him like an addict who won’t help himself.