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Recently divorced woman finds herself pregnant with her ex's child. UPDATED

Recently divorced woman finds herself pregnant with her ex's child. UPDATED

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"My husband and I conceived after divorce, conflicted and heartbroken."

Pink_Dress1

This is long long long. I’m sorry, I’ve sort of written a novel here. I wanted to post this in a relationship advice group, but the subject matter isn’t allowed. My ex-husband and I were married for 10 years, although the last 2 were spent in variations of separation. We’ve been divorced for roughly a year. We have 3 kids: 10, 8, 5.

I’m pregnant with our 4th baby. I don’t know if we’ll actually be parents to 4 kids or not. I’m so conflicted. We are so conflicted. There was no abuse or cheating in our marriage, although he did sleep with somebody else during our separation. There are a variety of other reasons why we ultimately got divorced.

After the initial feelings of failure and heartache, and there was an immense amount of heartache on my end despite being the one who filed for divorce, we were able to get along pretty well.

It become platonic so quickly and it’s like when we removed the romantic and married relationship from the equation things got so much better. We split time with our kids 50/50.

That’s really hard for me because being mom is such a huge part of my identity that I still sometime struggle to know what to do with myself during his time with the kids.

Ultimately I’m happy that he’s a loving involved father and I’m glad that it they do spend half their time with him, even if I still sometimes cry over not being with them all the time. We still do things together as a family sometimes. We sit together at our kids’ activities, things like that.

He has a girlfriend now. She seems nice. He let her not long after our divorce was finalized. It hurt. I cried way too much over it. He waited over 6 months to introduce her to our kids, which I was thankful for. My kids like her.

Our youngest child was unexpectedly admitted to the hospital not long ago. He had surgery. In the grand scheme of things it was a pretty minor surgery and he’s absolutely fine now, but this is my baby and he had to spend multiple nights in the hospital, so this was a big deal for me.

My ex-husband was there the entire time, being a great dad, being a supportive “partner” to me as I worried over every little thing. We spent all those nights in the hospital together and I remembered why I married him.

He was always able to be the strong, level headed rock for me. He was this safe person who I knew would take care of everything and protect me. When we were in the hospital he told me that I’m the most important woman in his life, still.

When our son was discharged, my ex-husband came back to my house. My baby was home safe, our other two children were excited to be home after staying with my husband’s sister for several nights. We were all together at home like a family again.

That night after our kids were in bed we slept together. I hadn’t been hoping for it or planning it. It was just like as soon as the kids were tucked away I’m their rooms we were having this intensely passionate, needy, amazing intimacy that we shouldn’t have been having. We went to sleep in my bed and at some point in the middle of the night we slept together again.

The next morning we both decided our emotions with the whole situation with our son just got the better of us. We said we didn’t regret sleeping together but that’s all it was and we were just going to go back to our normal divorced lives. We wouldn’t make it awkward, just move on. Then I found out I was pregnant.

I really wanted to be single for a while. I know I was ovulating when we slept together, which was probably a contributing subconscious factor as to why it happened. My body sees him being a good dad to our kids and it wants another!

My cycle is like clockwork and we’ve always conceived on the first try every time we’ve “tried” to get pregnant. Our first kid was not even a try, it was a “two weeks before your wedding you find out you’re pregnant and spend your honeymoon with morning sickness” surprise.

So now I’m about 8 weeks pregnant. I’ve known for about a week. I just told him this past weekend. I didn’t know if I would tell him at all. I realize now that I only told him in hopes that he’d tell me what to do and figure the situation out for me. Only he didn’t. I know it makes no sense to have a baby with somebody I chose to divorce. I don’t need a 4th child. Why can’t I let go of this though?

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post from the OP:

yeahthatfrenchguy

What was his response when you told him?

The OP responded here:

Pink_Dress1

Didn’t say anything at first. I finally was like “say something!” He said he didn’t know what to say. He thought I was on birth control, a baby was not what we needed, he was in shock.

GressPizza

The girlfriend has a right to know about the infidelity so that she may decide for herself whether or not to leave.

RecommendationBrief9

Nope don’t listen to these people. You have to coparent with this person. Outing him to his girlfriend is going to blow that right up. He can deal with his relationship. You need to protect the relationship that could possibly make your life hell for the next 20-40 years.

Besides the fact that this relationship may run it’s course without you getting involved. Your main concern is your children and keeping you and your ex in good standing so you don’t make it hard on everyone. Mind your business.

lmoutofldeas

His girlfriend deserves to know that he cheated no matter what decision you make concerning the pregnancy.

One week later, the OP returned with an update.

"Update - My EX husband and I are having a baby"

Pink_Dress1

I posted about a week ago. My ex husband and I have been divorced for about a year. We have 3 kids, ranging from 10-5 years old. We have gotten along great since the divorce, better than when we were married. It’s almost like we’re friends, can do things with our kids, and enjoy being around each other.

About 2 months ago, our youngest unexpectedly ended up having surgery and spending several nights in the hospital. He’s fine now. My ex husband and I stayed together with our son the entire time he was in the hospital. When he was discharged, my ex-husband came back to my house (or former family home) at our son’s request.

He was just supposed to spend a few hours there, help our son get settled, then go home. However, I guess all of the emotions and being together as a family in our former shared home got the better of us and we ended up sleeping together twice that night.

Now, I’m 9 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t on birth control (was on it until after our divorce was finalized, but have been intentionally remaining single for a while and not involved with men in any way, so was giving my body a break from birth control).

Initially we were undecided about what to do, but as of last weekend we made the decision together to have the baby. It feels sort of crazy to me, definitely not a situation I ever imagined I’d find myself in.

I already picture this baby looking just like our other kids. I guess that’s why I struggled with the idea of not continuing with the pregnancy, which I know isn’t really a valid reason to have a baby.

This is probably the last baby I’ll ever have. I’m 39 so even if I were to meet a man who I trusted enough to want to have a child with and a future with, I’ll be well into my 40s by then (I plan to be very picky, but I’m not even at the point of wanting to find somebody new yet.)

We’re not getting back together, for now. We get along great when we’re not married and living in the same house. We feel it’d be irresponsible to all of our children to attempt to get back together right now because of this.

Chances are higher that we’ll be able to co-parent this baby successfully if we live separately; however, we are committed to working together to do what has to be done to take care of the baby when he or she gets here.

Our kids are doing so great right now and they seem very happy and secure with the current set up of our lives and homes so we want to stick with this for now. I don’t know if I really understand what I’m getting myself into.

Our other kids were all born into a marriage and a two-parent home. I know that sharing custody of a baby will be a lot different than the kids going back and forth between homes. I might be feeling too positive about it, but I think it could work out fine. The new baby will just see this as normal, right?

Next thing to worry about will be having to explain this to everyone when we tell them. My family and friends will get over it but I’m especially concerned with explaining it to our kids. I’m worried our oldest won’t take the news well. She also knows how babies are made. And for everyone concerned about his girlfriend - she’s not his girlfriend anymore.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:

Red-Beerd

So he cheated on his girlfriend with his ex-wife? And they both were intimate with him knowing they weren't using birth control, and that their other three kids were all conceived right away? This whole situation is bad for so many reasons, and I really feel sorry for the ex girlfriend and all their kids. Just bad decision making everywhere here.

lucyfell

I mean "we're not getting back together, for now." That "for now" says way way way more about her than she thinks it does.

sunset_cicadas

Adding a baby after a divorce and she’s positive about it? Seems really hectic. At least the girlfriend is free from all this.

CheerilyTerrified

I feel a bit sorry for the girlfriend but I suspect she'll have the happiest ending being well away from their mess.

The poor kids are going to be so confused.

Similar-Shame7517

Sadly I'd have to agree with that comment on that update. This is gonna be messy.

So, if you could give the OP some sound advice, what would it be?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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