'My ex earns more than twice my salary, but is constantly begging me for money.' UPDATED

"My ex earns more than twice my salary, but is constantly begging me for money."

Sorry if this is long, I'll try my best not to rant. I (35f) was in a long term relationship with my now ex (32m) for about 8 years. I had a kid from a previous relationship when we met & he accepted & loved my child. I went on to have two more children with him. He was a great dad but was never good with money.

He would often just buy silly toys or video games frivolously without saving for a little time first or forgetting he had bills due at the same time. Really silly things we maybe all have done when we were young. I thought he would grow out of it but I was wrong.

While we were living together he contributed very little to the household costs which lead to quite a few arguments because he always earned a lot more money than I did. I was paying the majority of the groceries, the bills & whatever the kids needed.

He worked longer hours than I did too so organizing the childcare arrangements and keeping up with cleaning the house also fell to me while he would prioritize his drinking habits instead of his family. Eventually I started to feel more like his mother than is partner so I ended it.

I am so much happier on my own but I feel like he really needs to grow up still. I have also started to worry that his drinking habits have either gotten worse or he maybe spending his money on something worse.

Now he takes the children two days a week and we have a child support agreement in place ($60 per week per child). He is constantly late with the payments or pays but will call me three days later to ask to borrow money from me & always has a sob story as to why. I am not very well off at all.

For context I work part time in a job I love but I can't increase my hours because of childcare costs, it would work out that I would be paying more in childcare than I even earn so I keep to a budget and I try to be as thrifty as possible. Why can my ex not do the same? Am I overthinking it or is there something more sinister going on with him that I need to worry about?

This is what people had to say to OP:

AltruisticCableCar said:

Your ex can do the same, but doesn't feel like he has to. If he keeps getting enabled and bailed out of any tough situations then he can, technically, spend his own money on dumb stuff all he wants since it all works out in the end.

I don't know if others (like his family) enables him too, but at the very least put your own foot down and refuse to help him with even a cent. His sob stories are just stories, and even if they were true they'd only be true because he created those situations. Demand he pay you child support on time, every single time, and never lend him anything again. At least he'll eventually learn he can't take advantage of you.

NoeTellusom said:

Whenever he asks for money, hang up on him.

And MaraSchraag said:

Stop "loaning" him money! Does he ever actually pay it back? It doesn't matter. He's not your responsibility. He's a grown-ass man who needs to learn how to budget. Next time he asks for money, send him a link to Caleb Hammer's YouTube channel Financial Audit. Sounds like he may need to hear the hard truth that he is responsible for his own self. And his kids!

How is child support only $60 a week if he doesn't have them that often...?

Please go to therapy. They'll teach you to set and hold boundaries. You sound like a people pleaser (like me!) And you can learn how to say no. It'll make your life a lot better!

A week later, OP shared this dramatic update:

So nobody asked for an update but we have had some crazy drama over the last few days!!! I had a birthday party for 1 of our kids & I obviously invited Ex. It wasn't a big party just some family members who went out to do a fun activity with the kids & went for food & cake after.

It's important to note that the party was 4 days after the actual birthday 'day' so we could have it on the weekend when everyone was able to come.

On our kids actual birthday, the kids were with Ex the night before & he was taking them to school that morning so I would pick them up from school. Ex didn't get the kid a present, not even a card. He sent him into school with some sweets to share with the class but that was it.

When I collected the kids I brought them home & had cards & presents from me & a few extra from some of my family (grandparents & great grandparents & aunties). The kid was soo happy that I managed to get them exactly the toy they had asked for & a few cheeky extras that I knew would be very well received.

Later the kid told me what his family on Ex's side had gotten for them but didn't mention what Ex had got so I asked. Ex told them that the gift he had orded hadn't arrived. I knew that sounded suspicious but I shrugged it off & simply said that sometimes things get delivered late when you order online.

So a few days go by and we get to the morning of the party. Ex needs a lift to & from the venue because he doesn't drive but he told the kid he would be there so I agree to to take him & drop him back after. The kid tells me in the car on the way to Ex's place that "Dad said my present will be here before today so I hope he brings it" I simply shrugged it off and said I hope so before changing the subject.

When Ex gets into the car, the kid straight away asks if his present has arrived & Ex says no it hasn't been delivered yet. Now I'm more than suspicious! I'm completely sure that this idiot either forgot to get the present at all or was too broke to get 1 because he spent his money on god knows what.

I barely spoke the whole 30minute car ride to the venue until we were 5 minutes away & Ex asked me how much my "NEW" car cost me. It's not new it's 8 years old but just a lot nicer than my last car. It's fair to say it cost me a good bit more & I had to get a loan to pay for it but that's none of his business so I told him it "wasn't cheap." & I left it at that.

We get to the venue, we have a lovely time with some of my side of the family & the kid is feeling super excited. I am so happy to see that smile. We get to paying for the final tab & my brother offers to chip in but I declined. I just grab my purse & head up to pay. Ex sat back in his seat, watched & said nothing.

Don't get me wrong I had planned for the cost & I budgeted for it because I'm a parent & it's what we do for birthdays so I didn't need his input but the offer would have been nice. When I got back to my seat & was gathering all of the kids stuff up, the kid came racing over to me, giving me the biggest hug & shouted "THANKS MAMA THIS WAS THE BEST PARTY EVER."

Ex then said "We're so glad you enjoyed it" I SAW RED!!! This broke man-child was late with his child support at that time, hadn't given the kid a present & hadn't even offered to chip in for anything for the party NOT EVEN THE CAKE! I had planned it all & paid for it all. I said nothing! I gave my dad the look that says 'don't react please' & got packed up.

I dropped Ex off to his place as I had agreed & took the kids home to my house. When we got home I told the kids to take the toys & presents up stairs to play with them. When they went upstairs I went online & reported the "late child support payment" to the child support agency in our area.

They ended up calling the next day & said he has 1 more day to pay me in full or it's a missed payment & they can start the process for getting it taken directly from his pay cheque. They also said his salary review will probably be brought forward because of it. I didn't mention his promotion, I'll leave that as a nice little surprise for Ex if it means an increase in his payments.

So it's fair to say I took most people's advice, hopefully it will be taken from his salary very soon. Also I haven't been answering his calls unless he has the children (incase it's urgent) & if he does call then I tell him I'm in the middle of something & is it urgent then hang up as quick as possible tell him to text me if its not.

I've been keeping it to messages & leaving him on read when it's not about the kids & when it's trivial nonsense about the kids I give a 1 word answer or the thumbs up emoji. Thank you all for your advice, hopefully the drama will be over now & I can enjoy my happy single life in peace!