'AITA for divorcing my ex-wife over kids, and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?' UPDATED
"AITA for divorcing my ex-wife over kids, and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?"
Hot_Professional6249
I want to preface this by saying that I have no intentions of getting back with my ex and I’m in a very happy relationship with my now fiancée. And I’m sorry this is long, I just wanted to add all the context in and I’m not the best with words.
I (46m) married my ex-wife (45f) when we were 26 and 25 respectively. At that time, we were both on the fence about having kids. I knew since college that I wanted to retire early, and my dream of having financial freedom was what really made me realize that kids didn’t fit into the life I wanted.
I was trying to find the right time to talk with her about it, but over the next few weeks, she started dropping hints that she wanted kids. She started showing me photos of her friends’ kids, commenting on our nieces and nephews, joking about her getting/being pregnant (that one freaked me out), and even bought me a book on the joys of fatherhood that she “thought I’d find interesting”.
I sat her down and asked her if she wanted kids, and she admitted that over the years she had grown to want a family. We had a conversation about it and I realized that neither one of us was going to change our minds. I didn’t want to keep her from what she wanted in life, so I brought up divorce.
She really didn’t want to divorce, and kept trying to get me to want kids, but I stuck to what I wanted and we ended up separating. I obviously still loved her, but that’s why I wanted to divorce. We were still young and she could find someone to have the family she wants with. I didn’t want her to resent me for forcing my life choices onto her.
Even after I filed for divorce, she still didn’t agree with me and dragged it out as long as she could. So the divorce took almost 2 years. I dated over the years, but never really found someone that I could see myself sharing the rest of my life with until I met my now fiancée 4 years ago.
Apparently, my ex-wife struggled with dating as well and hasn’t remarried yet. She has a son, but the kid’s dad isn’t in the picture. She recently reached out to me and asked if we could meet to catch up.
I talked with my fiancée about it and she thought it’d be a great way to clear up any bad blood between us. So, I agreed to meet up with her for coffee. Things seemed to be going well until she brought up her son.
She asked me if I was willing to be a part of his life as a “masculine influence”, and I told her I was glad that she was able to have a child, but that it still wasn’t something I was interested in.
She tried to change my mind by saying that we could be a family again. She kept trying to convince me, and I kept trying to change the subject. I admit I got frustrated because things weren’t going as I hoped they would, and I told her that I was happy with my fiancée’s name and that I was not interested in her. She started to insult my fiancée so I left.
I thought what happened was crazy. When I agreed to meet with her, it never even occurred to me that she might want to get back together considering how long it’s been and, you know, I’m not single. She kept messaging me, so I blocked her, and I don’t plan on talking with her again.
I was talking with my sister and her husband about it, and they said that while I’m totally right for rejecting her now, that it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life.
They both agreed that my ex was right for wanting to work it out. They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind. I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on. I just don’t see how it’s possible for it to not be a bad situation for everyone involved that breeds resentment.
I don’t know my ex’s child at all, and I don’t agree that it’s my responsibility to step up just because his bio dad didn’t. I asked some other friends and family, and they agreed with my sister, so now I’m not sure if what I did was wrong or not and I was just wrongly justifying it to myself.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
RoadNo9352
Damn people give me headaches. So it is your fault that she has no father figure in HER sons life because you divorced her before he was conceived WITH someone else. Because you didn't want kids. That makes perfect sense if you are a moron. It sounds like she is as well as your sister and her husband.
Not your wife, not your kid, not your life, not your problem. You should suggest that your BIL fill the role as you go low contact with them and no contact with the ex. Oops, I forgot to say you are not wrong.
Alien_lifeform_666
You said exactly what I came to say. The mental gymnastics of OP being at fault for ex wife getting knocked up by a deadbeat AFTER he divorced her is staggering. NTA OP.
ma_1910
You weren't wrong for getting divorced, you wanted different things. You didn't want children and she did, there's no way you can stay married when that happens. I think she may have regretted the decisions she made in the past, but there's no way she can go back in time. If I were you I would block her and go no contact. Nothing good will come from you having contact with her.
heathelee73
Not wrong. You did the right thing in divorcing over having very different expectations for your lives. If you divorced her over you Not wanting kids, I can't understand why she would think that you would want to or be willing to fill a fatherly type role with the kid she did end up having with someone else. Your sister and BIL are nuts. Kids are not something to compromise on. They are a 2 yes, 1 no situation.
The OP responded here:
Hot_Professional6249
She used my social media posts of me with mine and my fiancée’s nieces and nephews as “proof” that I wasn’t against kids. I like kids, I just don’t want any of my own. She thought I had changed my mind about kids because of the posts and said I was being a hypocrite by refusing to be in her son’s life the way I was in my nieces and nephews lives.
itISmyphone
Your sister and BIL are the dumbest and most insulting twats in your family. Nothing in your ex's life is your fault in any remote way. So far from wrong that you shouldn't even be thinking about it.
5 days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: Am I wrong for divorcing my ex-wife over kids and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?"
Hot_Professional6249
So, some things have happened. My ex-wife somehow got ahold of my fiancée's phone number. She contacted her yesterday and made false accusations that I cheated on her when we met up for coffee. Obviously, my fiancée didn't believe her and just blocked her number.
This morning, my sister showed up uninvited to my fiancée’s house with her kids demanding to “talk”. We don’t live together and I was not there. My fiancée originally wasn’t going to let them in, but my sister sat on her porch and refused to leave.
It was cold and windy and the kids didn’t have coats on, and since it’s not the kids’ fault, she ended up giving in. She put on a show for the kids and made some coffee to prepare herself for whatever shit my sister was going to say.
My sister started a whole spiel about how if she (my fiancée) really cared about me and not just my money, than she would do what’s best for me, and leave. My sister claimed that since I’ll always be connected to my ex, that I will be forever unhappy if I’m with anyone else.
Apparently if my fiancée doesn’t leave me, it’s proof that she’s only with me for my money, and that it’s obvious that my ex and “our” child (which, wtf, it’s not MY kid) would actually use the money in a “godly way.” My fiancée laughed in my sister’s face and just stared at her until she left.
My fiancée and I are both a little confused by what she said. I am better off financially than my fiancée, but not by that much. I’m also not religious, so even if I DID get back with my ex, me and my money would still not be ✨godly✨ We know she’s crazy, but again, why did she think her “plan” would do anything?
After my sister left, my fiancée called me and told me what happened. I called my sister to tell her:
to leave my fiancée alone and
that she was crazy and delusional.
She defended herself by saying that she knew what was best for me and was just protecting me from going through with the wedding since my fiancée was “obviously taking advantage of me,” and that since I’m “under her spell,” I can’t protect myself.
I again told her she was crazy and delusional, and told her that I never wanted to hear from her, or anyone who’s siding with my ex, again, and to please pass that message on.
Everytime a family member or friend messages me about it (which has been 6 just since this morning), I ask them what their thoughts on the matter are, and if they side with my ex or sister, I block them.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
JustMyThoughtNow
Tell her to mind her own F*****g business. The sheer gall.
Ok-Scientist5524
Huh, divorcee is somehow worse than single mom who didn’t marry the baby daddy? Mental gymnastics gold to the entire lunatic family.
TyrconnellFL
She was still married to OP in her heart, you see. It was, uh, only her vagina, ovaries, and uterus that strayed. Everyone knows those woman-parts are just evil anyway. You can’t count on those.
Merely_Dreaming
"They said it's my fault that her child doesn't have a father."
Sis and BIL did some serious mental gymnastics to reach that conclusion. Glad OP is NC with them.