'My fiancé and I have been living together for one month. Am I too petty? Or should I seriously consider ending it?' UPDATED
"My fiancé and I have been living together for one month. Am I too petty? Or should I seriously consider ending it?"
I have never posted anything about my relationships before...I'm nervous. Anyway I met "Brad" six months ago. I was living out of state and he was visiting. We met and everything was AWESOME.
We laughed, intimacy was amazing, we had fun. We continued to see each other for 6 months. We lived about 3 hours apart so while it was long distance, it wasn't HORRIBLE to see each other on a regular basis.
Over the 6 months we spent a lot of time together. We would spend up to 10 days at a time together. After 6 months, I was sure he and I would be together for a long time. Brad asked me to marry him, and I said yes.
6 weeks ago, Brad asked me to move in with him. Since then, everything has gone downhill (for me) and fast.
Brad is a god damn slob.
We're talking... find dishes that have been sitting around for days hidden kind of slob. I literally spent 3 days cleaning when I got to his apartment (side note: I had spent time here before this - 4 days at a time usually about 2 and 4 months in, but he typically came to my place).
Before, when I had visited, I did NOT notice anything horrific about the place. The only thing I can come up with is he had a maid service clean before I visited. I don't mind cleaning, but I work odd hours, and can't keep up on my own.
I've said this to him, and he always says... oh I'll help. Never does. I do 100% of the cleaning, with the exception of him loading a dishwasher 3 times and running it. Oh and once he walked with me to the laundromat.
Brad also has a lot of health issues. He seems to never be feeling good... I'll suggest hey let's go get a drink and he'll say, oh I don't feel good, maybe. Now he has NEVER said, don't go because he's not going. I am 100% free to do as I wish. I can't blame him for health issues....
Which brings me to the next topic... he 'played down' these health issues the entire time I've known him... until about a week ago when SHTF because he's not been taking care of himself. He has ZERO self control about eating, and is diabetic.
Yes... I knew he took pills for this. But when he binge eats at night after I go to sleep, there is NO way I can help him with that. Plus... he's a god damn adult, he needs to show self control. It's not my job to be his diet coordinator, nor to be the food 'police'.
The real issue with that is I feel I was lied to in a way. He said he didn't want to show me how not 'normal' he is... There's other things too... minor things, but I feel they are building into not so minor things.
He's got zero table manners. We're talking, can't eat wthout sticking your whole damn hand in your mouth like some caveman, bad kind of manners. I've mentioned this to him. He said... oh I'll try. He's completely OCD about our 'budget'. It's not even like we're struggling.... he just makes budgets, remakes budgets, lectures me about budgets...
He... smells. I don't know what it is, but a lot of the time... he just smells off. I don't know if this is due to his health issues, but I never noticed it prior to living with him. He also farts... a lot. He makes no attempt to excuse himself when he does this. This is a level of comfort I am not ok with. He does it in his sleep... sometimes so loud, it wakes me.
Sleep has never been easy with him. This I knew going into it. It's never really... worked sleeping together for me. Brad snores. Loudly. He sleeps in the middle of the bed. He tries to take my pillow. I haven't had a good night sleep in 6 frigging weeks.
He's constantly asking me if things are ok. He says I'm sorry for every.god.damn.thing. He's basically driving me insane.... slowly. I was alone for a year prior to this and don't know if this is a normal adjustment period or if I should call it quits now.
I love him, but find myself slowly resenting him for these things.
Am I being a picky witch? Or are these enough of red flags that I should cut my losses?
EDIT: Since so many people are saying this.... Yes, I have brought up each and every issue with him. Some of them, several times. I obviously don't want him to DIE, and I told him I was super concerned for his health... ignoring the fact that he basically lied about it (ie. 'downplayed it') for almost 7 months. I find it odd that more people have issue with me calling him a slob than that fact.
Also, yes, there is a lot of 'good'. He is loving and kind. He does an excellent job at his work, and could easily support us financially. He is brilliant. This wasn't really about how wonderful he is though.
If it was this would be a pointless post. I will speak with him again this evening, but odds are, I'm going to end this. I take full responsibility for rushing into this, and I will learn from that mistake.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
This is why you don't agree to marry someone after knowing them long distance for such a short amount of time. Cut your losses, because the amount of work you'd need to fix this relationship isn't worth a 6 month relationship. All of the issues going on proves that it was a stupid idea for you two to have agreed to get married.
I agree. OP, you are not "shallow", you should follow your gut about ending the relationship. The saying "fools rush in" exists because it's easy to present the "best" side of yourself during the honeymoon period -- which is typically the initial several months of a new relationship. It takes time to know someone and now that you're living together you are seeing the full picture of who this man is.
6 months is really fast to be engaged and living with someone. Alot of relationships fail after about 6 months, that's when people start really showing their true selves. He's 34, there probably isn't much you can do to change him now. I have dated many guys who do the whole "are you okay?" thing.
It's usually an indicator that they are either new at relationships or have low self esteem. If I were you I would cut my losses. If he is already annoying you after 6 months, what will it be like in 20 years? These are supposed to be the best times of your relationship.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
My original post really blew up, and I wanted to say thank you for all the great, not so great, and downright rude comments, and many thanks to the several PM's I got as well. Sorry if there's mistakes, but it's 3:30am and I'm on my phone.
So this morning when Brad was getting up (missing the morning at work yet again because he was too lazy to be up and out by 8am), he could tell there was something wrong. I of course, was upset and told him we needed to talk.
I basically told him everything. He actually forced me to tell him every tiny little thing he does that I didn't like, which was pretty horrible for me, but I think really eye opening to him.
He actually had a doctors appointment late in the day yesterday and I told him to tell them about the smell. He then failed to say anything to the doctor, which was really upsetting.
In the end, I told him we needed to split up. I told him I felt we moved too fast and we needed to learn a lot more about each other. I told him I was leaving. He fought me on this, saying that we could work on these things together.
I told him I couldn't stay, that I needed to work on myself while he worked on himself. He cried, a lot, and I cried as well. It was very difficult because he really IS a good person, beyond the issues he has.
So in 9 hours, I'll be heading back to where I moved from. I'm not really sure where we stand, but we aren't engaged anymore. So that's my update. Talked, broke up, moving out. Lesson learned.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
My favorite part was the part where he hid all of his serious health issues from you until you were engaged and living together. What did you learn from this? Not being a jerk but seriously, most people would not move in with someone long distance after 6 months.
Ugh, people that say "we can work on this together."
How about you already knew this was a problem but didn't bother doing anything about it?
You can’t work on your own terrible smell “together” - that’s a you problem.
I wonder if she's one of the people who can smell blood sugar changes on people's breath? Unmanaged diabetes gives a person a certain smell. A little bit like rotten fruit to me. It's not the same as regular body odor idk.
Six months, long distance, engagement, and then the mask drops the second she moves in? Honestly this is exactly why living together before marriage matters. She didn’t get picky, she finally saw the day to day reality.
The smell, the hygiene, that’s not just any small quirks, that’s a lifestyle incompatibility. It sucks, but I respect her for packing up and leaving instead of convincing her self to fix a grown man. And let’s be honest, what are the odds she succeeds.