'My fiancé’s BFF is making my life hell and I don't want him in our wedding.' UPDATED 2X

"My fiancé’s best friend is making my life a living hell."

My fiance has the biggest heart, would literally give you the shirt, pants, and hat off his body if you asked for it. He’s a recovering people pleaser, and I get it because I also used to be a people pleaser. We’ve been together 5+ years.

A few months ago, I started picking up on his best friend making some not-so-nice comments towards me. I’m trying to be vague but let’s just say this friend is the type to read who in the room would be most affected by being picked on, and then he picks and picks and picks on them until they can’t take it anymore.

Nobody ever really holds him accountable for this, and unfortunately I have somehow become his favourite target. I tried to put up with these comments, but it started getting really elaborate. The friend would make up lies about me saying things I never said, he once called me in front of all our friends (my fiance included) just to yell “you’re a bad friend!” into the phone and then hang up.

There’s so much to it that I can’t share because I’m trying to be somewhat anonymous. It started having an effect on me and my mental health, and I ended up having a full breakdown where I told my fiance how much this was all starting to hurt me.

The first time I broke down over this, he said he would talk to his friend about teasing/messing with me less. He then told me his friend was sorry and that he’d be keeping an ear out for any other comments and he’d jump to my defence if it happened again.

A few weeks later I had a second breakdown over all this (the situation itself is hitting a very specific childhood trauma/trigger for me) and he admitted that his friend didn’t actually apologize… he actually said he was sorry I was “too sensitive” to understand his humour.

At that point I told my fiance my friendship with this person is over and I want zero contact from here on out, even if it means I have to miss out on events and parties that I’d otherwise love to go to.

He agreed with me that all of this is being done with the intention to get a rise out of me, and that even if we tried to get through to this friend he’s SO diabolical that we could never fully trust him to not treat me at least a little bit crappy. My fiance kept asking if this meant he had to quit the project they’re working on.

I told him I would never tell him he had to because I know how much it means to him, but in all honesty, the fact that this person is treating me SO poorly that I’m having physical stress reactions isn’t enough for him to WANT to cut this person off does hurt a lot. The fact that it isn’t a dealbreaker for him is probably always going to sting a little.

He’s not confrontational at all and I always knew that, but it’s not about confrontation. It’s about standing in my corner. And I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone who isn’t in my corner.

This friend is getting married to my best friend in a few months, and we’re both supposed to be in the wedding, but I really have no clue how. I get a literal knot in my stomach anytime his name is even mentioned now. I have seen this friend one time since all of this came to a head, and he was so over-the-top nice to me that it came off as cocky.

I had the second breakdown a few days afterwards because I realized I’m possibly going to spend the rest of my life on edge and on guard anytime this person is even somewhat in my vicinity, even if they aren’t actively messing with me.

I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that my fiance was willing to lie to me on his friend’s behalf, but he’s not willing to stand in my corner against him. I think it’ll always hurt. This guy was supposed to be the best man in our wedding, and as a result we haven’t been talking much about wedding plans.

I think if he’s still planning on this friend being in our wedding I may have to call it off for my own sanity, and that sucks so bad. This is eating me alive. I love my fiance so much. I love his big heart and the way he loves with all of it. But he loves some truly wretched people and I don’t know if he’ll enforce any boundaries with those people before the lack of boundaries becomes too much for me to handle.

I’m just hurt. And hurting. And I just want whatever outcome to play out so I can stop feeling so guilty and awful all the time.

What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

shesavillain said:

What does your best friend say about his behavior? Whether you end your engagement to your fiancé your best friend is still marrying him..

parkesc said:

If your fiance will not stick up for you, it's more than just being a people pleaser. He's a doormat.

CreamPuffDelight said:

The fact that you haven't already walked away after the first instance of him humiliating you, tells me that this sentence, "I used to be a people pleaser too", is complete bullsh!t.

And No_Butterscotch_8635 said:

oh man😕 i know how bad it feels from past experience. but if i were you, i wouldn’t even be in the wedding let alone go to it. your boundary is to keep him at a distance because he can’t give you the simple respect of human decency. in this situation, you have to protect yourself if your fiancé won’t.

Three weeks later, she shared this UPDATE:

Never thought I’d actually update this account out of sheer embarrassment, but I wanted to share this for those who encouraged me to put myself first. I want you all to know my partner absolutely came through and protected me in this.

We spent all this time since my last post up until last week communicating and trying to find a resolution, and walking through how it got this bad. He took a lot of accountability for that. This is not a case of me giving in. He understands fully that this is only got so bad because it’s never been handled correctly, and he had a major hand in that.

There were so many more layers to this than a reddit post ever could have conveyed. The bottom line is we are closer than ever and after a lot of talking, we decided on my partner sending a firm but not unkind message to his friend explaining the behaviours, explaining that they were hurting his partner, and that it needed to stop.

He asked to write up the first draft and we could go over it together to try to perfect it. People, please know the first draft my partner wrote was so spot-on what I needed to read that it instantly shifted us into “us vs the problem” mode when we’d been stuck butting heads for weeks.

He laid everything out so clearly and in ways that we hadn’t discussed, so I know it came from him. We had to tone down a lot of the big emotions. We really truly gave the message its best shot to address the situation without being hostile.

We knew the response would be bad no matter what, but I don’t think anything could have prepared us. This man went full scorched-earth and blew up everything almost immediately. He insulted my partner. He told him these events didn’t happen the way I claim they do. He demanded they meet up alone with a mediator.

He even threatened to reach out to my partner’s parents to fill them in, which is probably the moment we stopped taking his responses seriously. All of us are almost in our 30’s. If once wasn’t enough, he threatened it twice. We actually had to call them and warn them that he would be showing up at their place later this week and not to open the door. There’s still a good chance he’ll attempt it.

We stayed respectful throughout all of this, which I feel good about. We didn’t stoop to his level. We didn’t insult anyone. We asked for basic human respect and somehow it blew up spectacularly.

In the end, we both received a massive wall of text from my (now ex) best friend, fully backing up her man and telling her side of the story, which is so insanely far off from what actually happened that all I can do is laugh. We’ve been shifting from crying to being dumbstruck to just straight up laughing because of the absurdity.

I went into this thinking she was brainwashed, but it turns out I was wrong. They’re a perfect match. I wish them all the best. I am sending them one last message setting the record straight (which my partner and I decided together was the best approach apart from just ghosting) before moving on from this entirely. I’m going to make it very clear this is done.

Zero contact indefinitely and I will never look back. My partner and I both deserve way better friends and we both see that so clearly now. I am so so so glad I learned my friend’s true colours before we dropped $800 on a hotel for their wedding.

Thank you to everyone who was kind. Not only did I put myself first in the end, but my partner did too. We’re going to take this week in stride and process it all, grieve the friendships we once thought were forever, and at the end of the week we have a conveniently timed vacation to my partner’s family cottage. I think we’re gonna come out of this stronger because we already feel it.

Again, thank you to those who had something productive to say. And I’ve made my peace with all the rest. I guess if the guy does something else outlandish maybe I’ll update but for now, this chapter is closed and I’m so ready for it to start collecting dust.