Man's fiancée announces she is bisexual after a solo trip to a wedding, asks to explore this then get married. + UPDATED 4X
"Fiancée announces she is bisexual after a solo trip to a wedding."
Icanttouchtheground
Betty (27F) and I (30M) got engaged in January after dating for a couple of years. Our plan was to get married next year when we had saved enough money for the wedding.
Shortly after getting engaged we moved in together at the end of January. In May, Betty was a bridesmaid for one of her friends, I was unable to attend due to my job and the fact it was a five-day trip.
Betty had a great time reconnecting with some of her old friends but a couple of weeks after she got back she became moody and withdrawn. I was relieved when she made an appointment with a therapist since she hadn't opened up to me about what was troubling her.
After about 5 or 6 sessions, she sat me down one Saturday morning so we could talk. Betty had been raised in a very conservative household and had to suppress her desires until she moved out to go to college. Even then certain ideas she denied and refused to embrace.
At the wedding, she was introduced to the wife of one of her girlfriends from college and it triggered a lot of repressed desires over the days they all hung out before the wedding.
She told me she felt romantic and sexual attraction to women as well as men and realized she was bisexual. I told her I was happy she finally felt safe in sharing this with me and it didn't change how I felt about her, it was a very emotional moment.
She asked me how I felt about her exploring her sexuality now that it was out in the open. I said I was open to exploring it with her and another woman to let her have that experience.
She wanted a one-on-one experience with another woman and felt she couldn't do that with me present. I told her that sounded more like an affair and something I wasn't comfortable with. I asked her if she wanted to cancel the wedding and maybe separate while she figured out what she wanted to do.
She was adamant that was not what she wanted and she was still very much in love with me and still wanted to get married but she felt like she had to explore these feelings she was embracing before we settled down together.
I asked her if she had done anything inappropriate at the wedding and cheated on me. I asked if she had someone in mind or had been talking to someone since she came back.
She admitted to dancing with a girl at the reception and they kissed at the end of the night but nothing else happened. But she denied talking to anyone or preplanning anything.
She knows this was a lot to throw on my plate all at once and she didn't expect an answer right away, she just asked that I keep an open mind and keep talking about it.
I couldn't promise anything but I agreed to do some research and talk to a workmate that has an open marriage to see how they cope. I did warn her if I found out she lied or was doing anything behind my back there would be no second chances and I would leave.
My workmate has been super helpful and open about their relationship. My brother got me into a support group that has helped me come to terms with our relationship changes. I'm burning my way through my second book and sat Betty down Thursday night to check in and talk about moving forward.
I found us a couple's therapist, I gave her the book I had finished, and I told her we should postpone the wedding for six months and then decide if that's the path we are still on. I was on a roll when she stopped me and asked me if I was planning on dating other people like that never occurred to her that I would be dating as well.
She kind of shut down after that, barely giving one-word answers when I would ask her something, I think the longest sentence I got was "I just don't know". She has been like that for 24 hours now like she is lost in a fog. I'm just bracing myself for the inevitable flood of emotions. I would have thought she would be happy that I was considering opening our relationship.
Add on: My brother came out as gay when I was 16 and my parents were very supportive so I grew up in a very different household than my girlfriend. And apologies, the second half of my post was written much later than the first half, and after a few drinks. Rereading it made it clear I should have waited till this morning before posting it. Sorry.
Update
Saturday night her fog lifted and things got pretty heated. She said that the open relationship was my way of punishing her and being vindictive by dating other women. She was just asking for some grace to explore her feelings.
I replied that she showed almost no remorse for cheating on me and instead expected an open-ended hall pass to do so again. I told her our friends had told me she asked them not to say anything about what happened at the wedding so I would probably never know the full truth and just had to accept it was worse than she admitted to.
I asked if she thought it was fair to go have sex with other people while I waited by the door like some love sick puppy who was expected just to wag his tail when she decided to come home and show me some attention. It devolved after that and some hurtful things were said by us both. I finally gave her three options if she wanted to move forward.
Monogamy- postpone the wedding and go to couples counseling. No experimenting. When we get to a good place then go ahead with the wedding with a prenup to protect me if she changes her mind and/or cheats again.
Open relationship- We can both date who we want and she can figure out her sexuality on her own terms. In a year or so we can see if marriage still seems like a good option if we are still together.
Full separation- She moves out and we can each be free to live our lives as we see fit. If/when she decides she wants monogamy with me if I haven't moved on then we can try option #1. But it would be a new beginning not just picking up where we left off.
She decided she needed some space to think things out and is going to stay with friends for a couple of days. I told her before she left that if she accidentally cheated while she was gone to not come back except to pick up the rest of her things.
This morning I got a text from her, "I'm so sorry!" She didn't answer when I asked her what she meant and my call went to voicemail. I'm not going to reach out to her again and I will wait to let her contact me when she is ready.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's initial post and update:
Omni__Owl
This sounds like a classic case of "I didn't think this through" from her side. It happens often that people new to this kind of thing wants rules for thee but not for themselves to protect themselves and the relationship. But it's just not how it works. Don't get married based on that foundation.
GlbdS
Looks like your partner has been a bit self-centered about this. Good idea to take your time regarding your engagement, the death of exclusivity (even as a hypothetical) can be a pretty destabilizing thing for an established mono relationship. Keep talking, you seem to be handling this very well, somewhat better than her I think.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
Icanttouchtheground
On Wednesday, Betty went to her previously scheduled appointment with her therapist and told her what happened between us. Not sure what all was said but she called me on the way to her friend's house apologizing for some of the things she said and wanted to come home and talk things out.
I told her to stay at her friend's house tonight and think about what she wanted and she could come home Thursday and we could sit down and work things out. On Thursday we met at the house and talked over dinner.
We both apologized for getting heated and saying some unfair things to each other. After talking to her therapist and having several conversations with her best friend over the last few days she has decided not to explore her bisexual urges.
The idea of a truly open relationship where I was free to sleep with other people terrified her and getting married was more important than chasing the rainbow. Her original idea had been just a free pass to see if she was missing something in her life and how important it was to her.
I asked what was she asking for an ONS, just dating a woman, or having a full relationship. She couldn't tell me exactly what she wanted. I said that didn't sound very monogamous to me or very fair. She agreed and that was why she was giving up on exploring those feelings.
Next, she brought up the notes I sent out canceling our save-the-date notices for our wedding day. She said she was getting all kinds of calls about what happened and was caught unaware about what they were even talking about at first.
She was upset I did that without talking to her first. I reminded her that she lobed two grenades in my lap, coming out as bisexual and that she cheated on me, then left and wouldn't talk with me except for a cryptic "I'm so sorry" text followed by silence.
While I never said anything other than we were having issues and had to postpone the wedding, evidently there was speculation that she had cheated on me. She switched gears and said we could still get back on track and get married next Spring.
Nooooo, because now when one of us is out of town my mind will be thinking about you cheating again especially after coming out and wanting to have an affair to explore your sexuality.
I said maybe after couple's therapy we could get back to a good place again but not by the end of the year and it would be foolish to start planning and making financial commitments before we even knew if therapy was going to work.
Plus I wanted a prenup to protect everything I brought into the marriage as well as my future retirement savings. Plus she would forfeit any equity if we bought a house. When she protested I said if you plan to be faithful and not change your mind later then it would never be a thing. Just something to give me some peace of mind.
It's been an ongoing conversation for the last few days. Betty wants to rug-sweep the incident at the wedding and move forward with our wedding. Exploring her sexuality is not worth sacrificing our relationship in her opinion. For now, we are back together and planning on counseling soon.
In a post-clarity moment, I realize I rushed to embrace the idea of an open relationship to allow Betty the freedom to explore her new feelings and I'm not as willing now to consider that option.
I think separation is the better option, breaking up if you will till we both decide what direction our future lies and if it is with each other. It's not what I want but I also don't want to spend the next 3-5 years together only for her to change her mind or cheat on me one day.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
apocalypseconfetti
Counseling makes sense, delaying the wedding makes sense, prenup if you do get married makes sense. Asking her to forfeit equity in a house you buy as a couple is not in any way acceptable.
If you feel like you need that kind of leverage to move forward, just end your relationship and move on. That's a horrible thing to do to another human. There are worse things than cheating a person can do in a relationship, and that would be one in my book.
101ina45
Yeah just break up OP.
About a week later, the OP returned with another update.
Icanttouchtheground
What a crappy week.
Counseling started badly, walked into the office and saw a large Pride flag on the wall. Our therapist was very biased towards my girlfriend's predicament.
Glossed right over the cheating and into how I needed to better support Betty's awakening and support her journey to blah, blah, blah. Betty is the one who is confused and I am not giving her a safe place to explore who she is.
Nothing about my feelings or needs was addressed. To make matters worse, when the therapist was piling on me I looked to Betty to stand up or say something positive for me and I got nothing. That part hurt me the most and I pretty much shut down for the remainder of the session.
Toward the end, the therapist did try to engage with me because you could tell she knew had completely lost me. On the drive home, Betty tried to talk to me and I gave her the three answers I kept repeating to the therapist, sure, nope, and maybe. This was the therapist her individual therapist recommended us to.
The next day I got a call from Betty's mom at my work wanting to know why we were postponing the wedding and that her family and friends had already started making plans. I told her she needed to take that up with her daughter.
She kept badgering me until I finally told her Betty made out with someone at her friend's wedding and that was why things were on hold and then I hung up on her. Less than an hour later I got a call from Betty demanding to know what I told her mom.
I said you kissed someone at a wedding and we were trying to work through it and that I didn't mention Betty coming out to me. I told her she needed to sit her mom down and tell her the whole truth, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
So I get this text from her mom telling me I need to suck it up and move past this and that I might even be at fault for not going to the wedding with her. Huge text giving me what for and trying to tell me what I need to do.
I showed the text to Betty when she got home from work and said she needed to do something about her mom or I would enlighten her with the full story of all our problems the next time she tried to tear me a new one. Betty said she would handle her mom and made me promise to give her some time to tell her mom everything.
Also this week Betty has gotten very protective of her phone, yeah major red flag, I went to charge my phone and unplugged hers to plug mine in and she almost flew across the room to practically snatch her phone out of my hand.
I was able to sneak a look at her phone later while she was asleep, only to find she had changed her access code, something which she hadn't done since we had been together. I went online and looked at our phone bill and there were many lengthy calls to a Colorado area code, which I have found out is where the girl she kissed was from.
I am just mentally exhausted at this point, the gaslighting, lying, and just feeling like I am treading water all the time. Lately, when we've been intimate there is a lack of passion in her that was there before all this. I feel love-bombed without the feeling. Feels like just hollow words and empty gestures.
Tomorrow we are going to a cookout at her parents' house. I am going to try and keep my cool and not say anything, crossing my fingers. But when we get back I am telling Betty I'm done. I'll give her the choice of keeping the apartment or moving out.
She will be free to explore and find what truly makes her happy, just won't be me. I came clean with my parents and a few friends about this whole mess. My tribe is ready to help support me and help with the move when I need them.
Dad vetoed Mom's offer to move back home and said what I really needed was a new puppy, definitely too old to live with my retired parents. Feels weirdly peaceful now that I've made my mind up. To all of you who told me so, you were right, time to move on with my life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
101ina45
Clearly this relationship is cooked and I'm glad you're ending it.
With that said, you need individual therapy before you date again (with a therapist you vibe with).
Not-Saul
If she is hiding her phone, now you think the worst of her and be prepared for it.
Roughly two weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
Icanttouchtheground
Betty and I returned early from a cookout at her parents' house. I had planned for my sister to be at our house when we got back as a witness but had to wait a couple of hours for her to show up.
I got us all in the living room and told Betty I couldn't do it anymore and was throwing in the towel. I said I had lost all trust in her and couldn't see a way forward and that the best choice was to just go our separate ways.
Betty couldn't understand what I was saying and that she had been honest since her confession about what happened at the wedding. I asked if she had been in contact with the girl she kissed at the wedding and she denied it.
I asked to see her phone and she refused saying it would violate her privacy and the privacy of the people she had talked to. Fine, so who did you call with a 720 area code and maybe I should call and see who answers.
Doesn't really matter because it proves my point. I gave her a choice of moving out or staying and I would move out, I also said I would give her what she had contributed to our savings account for the wedding.
She tried to get my sister to leave or get me alone to talk but I told her I had been advised to have a witness present just in case. She went from crying to being angry, and after an hour and a half, she finally had a calm conversation about everything. We talked until almost midnight.
This morning Betty decided to move back to her parents temporarily and the three of us packed up her things. While we waited for her dad and brother to come get her things she tried to get me to go to a different counselor and give therapy another chance but I said it was just a waste of time, I could never trust her again and that was no way to live.
Not much of an ending.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
r_was61
So sorry! You are doing well making it about your decision and your feelings. Playing a phone game with her won't be a fruitful avenue. Good luck.
amauberge
“I only hid things to protect your feelings” is such a cop-out. Like, no, she only hid things because she wasn’t prepared to deal with the consequences of his feelings — aka, him leaving. It was an act of self-protection.
Gwynasyn
Jesus Christ this guy was so ready and willing to be cool about it. He gave her a LOT of options to have freedom to explore her sexuality if that's really what she wanted. That therapist glossing over all that and accusing him was WILD. The audacity of the ex through this whole thing is mind boggling.
Fatigue-Error
Really sounds like the therapist was primed to take Betty’s side and not the side of the existing relationship. Her Betty-assigned role was to persuade OP to agree to whatever Betty wanted. Not a therapist, but this seems like malpractice to me.
ByeByeBaby-
Betty really should have thought this through. You can’t just drop a bomb and expect everything to be cool. Sounds like she's in over her head.