'My fiancé refuses to dance at our wedding. Is this a dealbreaker?' UPDATED

"He won't dance at our f*&%ing wedding... I think I've found my dealbreaker."

We've been together 5 years, we're engaged, planning a wedding, and he won't dance. Says he doesn't want to. He's even pushing for choosing a venue that has no capacity for dancing at all.

At our wedding. I know I'm meant to offer backstory about our relationship, but this is it. Our entire relationship in a nutshell. I want to do something because it's important to me and would take mere minutes of his time, and he won't do it because it's lame/boring/annoying.

He is physically and mentally capable of dancing, he just doesn't want to, the same way he doesn't want to do the dishes or cook dinner or clean.

The second he wants to do something, we do it, no questions asked. I learned to ski for him. I put up with his family. I host parties I don't want for people I don't like because he wants me to, and yes, he does dance at those. I do all I can to make sure his life is improved by having me in it, because I want him to be happy.

And I have asked for one thing: to dance with my husband at our wedding over a year from now. And he doesn't want to. And any push for him to do it leads to him saying I'm pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Despite the rant, I do love him. He's a good partner, and we want the same things, and we've been together for years, and he loves me, but he won't dance with me at our wedding. How do I tell him that this is important to me, and I need him to do this for me without making him feel pressured?

This is what people had to say to OP:

WhydIJoinRedditAgain said:

Congratulations on figuring out that your partner is unwilling to compromise, practices strategic incompetence, and disregards your desires. Now that you have that information you get to choose if you want to deal with that until you end your engagement or you get a divorce.

stormyllewellynn said:

Besides the fact that he doesn’t do dishes, cook dinner, or clean (which in itself should be a dealbreaker), you put forth effort to do everything he wants to do because you love him. What does this say about his character? Shouldn’t he be doing the same for you?

And I don’t understand why everyone throws out the line “but besides that, he’s a good partner!!!” at the end. He’s not. He doesn’t help with housework and he couldn’t be bothered to do anything that’s important to you. Oh and just saw the bit about how he dances at parties. So……….parties are more important than making a life commitment to you? Got it.

[deleted] said:

He doesn’t assist in the household work, won’t dance for two minutes, he’s stubborn while you compromise

What exactly are you seeing in him that makes you think he’s husband material? (Put being in love aside)

And Redhead-Behaviorist said:

Ummm I married someone like that. Didn’t work out. So I think that’s something you should consider. The little things he won’t do will add up. And it makes you less motivated to reciprocate

Three days later, OP shared this update:

So my EX-fiancé got dragged through the mud on my first post and I say that in the most grateful way possible.

I was alternating between defending him and resignation in the comments, but I ultimately decided to hash this out with him, thinking that if I restated how important dancing at our wedding was to me, along with a few other issues the first post brought up, such as me doing the overwhelming majority of the housework.

I made clear that I was thinking of leaving, he might fully get the gravity of the situation and he would either shape up or ship out, and I think that from the tone of this post and the title you can tell which one he chose to do.

He was actually angry that I dared to tell him I needed things to be more balanced between us. I said it needed to be give and take on both sides, not just me giving and him taking, and he said I can't just change everything about us right before (over a year) our wedding. He took the ring back and went to stay with his family.

The breakup happened on the same day as my post, so 1st Oct. I've felt really lonely the last couple days so yesterday, the 3rd, I asked a few girlfriends to come over tonight, the 4th, for a meal or a drink or a movie or whatever.

2 of the 4 people I invited didn't respond at all, the 3rd was really hostile, and the 4th asked if I was aware that my ex was telling people he caught me cheating on him, and showed me some screenshots of an Instagram and Facebook post he made.

I have a childhood friend, a guy, who I reconnected with last year. We never dated but were always close and fooled around once or twice as teens, and my ex had said he was fine with us being friends, but now he's saying that we were sleeping together.

I've told the friends I contacted what really happened and while 2 of them have accepted that, the other 2 have left me on read. I've not even checked my own social media because I have no clue what I'll find.

I might need advice again. Any ideas on what to do about this? Regarding my ex, my friend who's being accused, or the mutual friends that my ex has apparently already told?