Man furious at fiancé for saying, 'cheating before marriage doesn't count.' UPDATED
I told my fiancée that I don't really want to marry her anymore.
My (26m) fiancée Sarah (24f) and I are set to get married in three months. We were visiting a botanical garden yesterday when Sarah pointed out a flower called the 'Arabian Jasmine,' a little white flower with a nice scent. She said that her cousin Stephanie had those at her wedding.
I asked if it was the same Stephanie that would be in attendance with her husband at our wedding, and she said it was. Sarah and Stephanie are apparently pretty close, and she started telling me about Stephanie and her husband.
At one point, she told me that Stephanie had actually cheated on her husband twice before they got married, and that the second time was a couple of months before the actual wedding. Her husband never found out.
I asked her why she never told Stephanie's husband what happened, and she responded by saying that it 'wasn't [her] circus, wasn't [her] monkeys' and that it's not that big of a deal anyway since they weren't married at the time.
I've been thinking about what she said ever since. I consider cheating the ultimate, worst betrayal in a relationship. Clearly, my fiancée doesn't think so since she said her cousin cheating 'wasn't that big of a deal since they weren't married.'
Would this mean that she thinks cheating on me right now wouldn't be that big of a deal since we aren't married yet? As a man, if I got cheated on by my partner, I hope someone who knew about it would tell me.
I would heavily judge anyone who knew about it, didn't tell me, let me go on to marry the person that cheated on me, and attended my wedding as if nothing was wrong. Like my fiancée did to her cousin's husband.
About an hour ago, I texted my fiancée 'I'm not sure if I can go forward with getting married. Let's talk in person later tonight.' She's been blowing up my phone with texts and missed calls ever since. I'm just going to tell her what I've said in this post when I see her.
COMMENTS
You're not wrong to be worried about that and I'm sorry but there's really no need to text your fiance - anyone, really - something that upsetting and vague and then ghost them for hours.
Well I can see where you are coming from, and I would agree with it, since this difference in values is a dealbreaker to me as well, but the way you communicated with her was totally wrong.
Its definitely a conversation you should have but honestly, texting her that and then dropping out of contact for several hours is a real a**hole move.
I f*$#ing hate when people do that to me. My anxiety and blood pressure skyrocket waiting for my execution because idk what the “we need to talk” is in reference to. Just talk about it in person, no need to torture anyone.
After that, the OP returned.
UPDATE: I told my fiancée that I don't really want to marry her anymore
I had a conversation with my fiancée Sarah. We've decided to think things over on our own for a couple weeks and decide what we'll do next. If we do get married, we'll probably end up postponing the wedding.
I found out from Sarah that her cousin Stephanie's husband, 'Lars,' is an attending musculoskeletal radiologist at a local hospital. I texted Lars over the weekend, introduced myself as Sarah's fiancée, and asked if I could have a conversation with him on phone.
We called a couple of times between Monday and yesterday. I let him know that I wasn't telling him what to do, and that I did not have any receipts, but that I just felt an obligation as a human being to inform him of something that I felt he should know.
I told him what Sarah told me: about his now-wife cheating two months before his wedding, and the name of who she did it with.
When he found out, Lars went quiet for a little while and said he was 'shocked and devastated.' It turns out that who Stephanie cheated with is a coworker of hers that Lars had met, and that they've attended work and dinner parties together in the past.
Throughout our conversation, he kept asking for details on what happened: where it occurred, why she did it, who else knew, and so forth. I unfortunately didn't have answers to most of his questions, but he still thanked me profusely for telling him what happened when no one else did.
Part of why I sympathize with Lars is personal. Lars is originally from Denmark and came here for college after high school. My own Scandinavian father came here from Norway for undergrad and ended up becoming a lawyer here.
He married my mom, an American woman, had me and my siblings, and provided us with the best life any husband and father could possibly provide his family. I couldn't imagine Lars doing the same for a woman who cheated on him and kept it a secret for years.
I have no regrets. My fiancée, her cousin, and their family were the only family that Lars had in this country.
I couldn't imagine him coming to this country for opportunity and working hard for 13 years to become a physician only to marry a disloyal wife and be deceived and betrayed by the very people he thought he could trust. I couldn't imagine living a lie like that for years, no matter how blissful the lie.
Lars had a right to make an informed decision as to whether or not he wants to stay in his marriage. If Lars and Stephanie get divorced now, it would be Lars rightfully ending his own marriage based on the information he now knows, not me ending it of my own volition.
COMMENTS
How immature of you for breaking up because your partner did not snitch. Yeah, you seem to have very lofty values, what a hypocrite !!! Obviously, you are looking for perfection that doesn’t exist. As others mentioned, you are just looking for an excuse and not acknowledging it.
When I was being cheated on my best friend knew and didn’t say anything. I completely ghosted him because the thought of him not telling me I was being openly disrespected like that broke my heart.
It turned out the whole office where he worked and I once did knew almost 15yrs ago and I’m grateful it led me to where I am now, but I still feel the pang of shame when I think about it.
On the other hand I decided not to tell the wife of a man who propositioned me whilst she was pregnant because nothing happened because I recognised it for what it was-not anything between us, but a fully grown man frightened of parenthood-so instead I told her to have a chat with him about that fear. They’re still happily together.
It’s a no win situation and you have to judge each case on a merit basis. If it’s been a while and you miss them reach out, they probably miss you too and life’s too short ?
I think we are also missing what his fiancee's family is going to say when they discover what he has done. That's when his relationship will suffer and end. I'm pretty sure Sarah will be really mad with him.
Also, the rest of the family will not be happy with him, making the decision to cancel everything easier. I have the impression that Sarah's family is just as much of enablers of the cheating as herself.
OP, just look for them trying to convince poor Lars into forgetting and forgiving his wife (meddling into something it's not their business) and you will find the real moral compass of the family you want to marry.
Proud of you for telling him the truth. It was the right thing to do. I hope he’s okay all things considered and I hope you’re okay OP.
You care a lot more about Lars than your fiance. Not sure you should marry someone you don't even like or respect. You're obsessed with this dude knowing what happened. That's your priority I guess but like you don't even give a shit about the most important relationship in your life. You should just end it with Sara.
I remember reading your 1st post, and while I didn’t agree with certain things, I commend you for telling the cousin’s husband.