'My fiancée gave me an ultimatum: Stop being friends with my ex or she'll call off the wedding.' + MAJOR UPDATE

"My (26M) fiancé (24F) gave me an ultimatum. Stop being friends with my Ex and stop our families interacting, or she will call of the wedding and our relationship."

I'm hoping to gain some insight by posting here, some outside opinions are something I would be very grateful for right now. Some back ground: My ex girlfriend Emma (26) and I (26M) were together for 9 years. We got "together" when we were 13, and broke things off when we were 22, we were friends since first grade.

We grew up together, our families became quite close, and our friendship circles were always intertwined at some point or another (this will be important later). We drifted in different directions as we got older, and we realised what we wanted from our relationships were ultimately different. We no longer had romantic feelings for one other, so we decided we would be better off as friends.

We were best friends anyway. There hasn't been anything romantic or physical since we broke up, a quick hug here and there to say goodbye at most. I truly haven't felt "that way" about her since things ended and she's the same. The breakup was very amicable.

Now, to the issue. My fiancé, Sarah, (24) and I have been together for almost three years, I proposed a few days ago and we are set to be married this year. I was so happy when she said yes. Our relationship has been great. Amazing communication, always smiling together, it's been wonderful.

She knew about my past with Emma as I was very upfront with her about it when we first began dating, as Emma and I are still friends. Our families still get together for sporting events, have parties and hang out together all of the time. My parents are really close to hers, and our siblings ( 22M, 25F, 17F, 18F and 19 M) are good friends, too. They are all really close. They even have a weekly Pizza night.

We also have a few common friends. I didn't want Sarah to feel uncomfortable at any point, so I tried really hard to let her know everything I could, and take the right steps to show her she is my number one. I would always include her in family events, make sure my family would spend time with her, and have even tried to create our own "rituals" together.

I adore this girl, I think she is incredible and from the day I met her, I have been head over heels. She hasn't voiced a single problem to me about any of this until today. She would even encourage me to invite Emma over to get togethers we have hosted, or along to movies or dinner with our other friends.

I was under the impression Sarah really liked her, especially considering the extra effort she would make to include her. Sarah and Emma have always gotten along, and they haven't been anything but nice to one another, I thought they were friends. She told me today, after taking time to think about it, that our friendship is "weird", and shouldn't continue.

She gave me an ultimatum. To end our friendship, or she will end the relationship. She said she feels disrespected I would "even consider keeping someone I had a relationship with in my life". I couldn't get a single word in before she left, she's staying with a friend tonight. I don't understand how any of this could happen, she seemed happy. This is meant to be a positive time in our relationship.

She said nothing has happened between her, Emma or our families. I don't know what to do. She has been blowing up my phone with texts and I don't know what to say, I thought I did everything right. Emma and I are still friends (not overly close though), but we definitely don't cross any kind of boundaries together, we don't speak about anything inappropriate or do anything we should not .

She is also in a relationship at the moment. We don't talk every day, and don't see each other one on one or very frequently. Sarah has also mentioned that she is uncomfortable with our families spending time together after we have broken up, and wants me to put an end to that "behaviour" as well. I can't control what my family does, who they see or who they are friends with.

They have been nothing but kind to Sarah, they make a real effort to make her feel special and even include her family. I don't know what to do? Is my friendship wrong, should I talk to our families? Or is this ultimatum unfair?

TLDR: My fiancé wants to call off the wedding and our relationship unless I stop being friends with my Ex, and make sure our families are no longer spending time together. I don't know what to do.

EDIT:

I just want to mention (because I have gotten a few comments about it) that Emma and I are no longer close. I see her at events she is also invited to, or when Sarah invites her along with us and our friends to do something. I don't actively seek her out for one on one time, or invite her places myself, I don't even message her or text her.

She's in a relationship, too. Our families are close, parents are best friends and our siblings grew up together (they even still have sleepovers), that means I'll see her places, or run into her, that is really hard to avoid, but I really do try. I wanted to make that clear. I have made an effort to set up boundaries to make Sarah as comfortable as possible, I've tried so hard.

Commenters weighed in:

ennmac said:

It kind of sounds like somebody got in Sarah's ear and fed an insecurity. Take her out for a coffee or something and ask where this is coming from. Tell her that your relationship is your priority but that you need to understand where this is coming from if you're going to end a friendship over it.

Try to get her to tell you what's actually going on. Don't promise to control your family - that's unreasonable, and something you can only fail at. My guess is that this is a scapegoat for something else that's bothering Sarah. You just need to find out what it is.

sissyjones said:

Someone has been feeding her ear poison about your relationship with your ex. Such drastic change is suspicious. Or long hidden insecurities have come to the surface. Or perhaps she sees her engagement and eventually marriage as a chapter of her life she doesn't want to share with her SO's ex. Or it could be a combination of any of those things.

suckzbuttz69420bro said:

It sounds like Sarah was talking to her uptight friend or family member. Something just seems fishy here. You two need to have an actual conversation about this, she can't just lay this on you and then bolt. Has she ever expressed insecurities over your relationship before?

OP responded:

She has never expressed insecurities before. I've made sure to ask and see if certain things have made her uncomfortable, but nothing has ever come up. Things were going really well before this, it's like a flip has switched.

justtolearn asked:

What has she said in the texts?

OP responded:

The texts are where her feelings about our families being close came in. She only voiced the fact she didn't want Emma and I to have anything to do with one another before she left and raced out of the door. I've tried calling her, she won't answer. I've left voice mails telling her I want to talk, but I haven't heard a response beyond "make a choice".

And AnnetteXyzzy said:

She gave you an ultimatum that is at least partially impossible. You can't control whether your family interacts with hers, especially when you have such a long and seemingly healthy history with both families. This sounds like cold feet, or she screwed up somehow and is throwing up dust to obscure it.

Two days after his original post, he shared this major update:

TLDR: My fiancée gave me an ultimatum, stop being friends with my Ex, and stop our families interacting, or she would call off the wedding and our relationship.

It's been a very eventful three days and after all of the advice I was given on my last post, I thought I would share an update. I also want to thank everyone for their words of wisdom and kindness, I read every comment and took them all to heart. I really appreciated it. This update is long and not what I was hoping for, but what happened, has happened.

I couldn't get a hold of Sarah for two days. She wouldn't answer my calls or my messages. I'd left her a voicemail asking her to come home, or to meet up somewhere for coffee so we could talk together, I let her know I loved her, that she would always be first. I heard nothing back. She's never been like this. If we had an issue, we would always talk it through.

We even had a pact to never go to bed mad at one another (and we never have), but she didn't come home, she didn't even reply to me. At first, I thought she wanted some time to cool down, but it just kept getting later. I couldn't stop thinking she would walk back through the door. She didn't, I heard nothing from her. I could barely get any sleep.

I texted her, explaining I'd do whatever I could to show her how much she means to me. I explained the only reason I saw Emma, was at gatherings for mutual friends/family friends that she tagged along to, or when Sarah invited her to events herself. I told her she didn't have to do that, that I didn't want it or need it, I only wanted her.

I said I wouldn't attend any get togethers I knew Emma would attend at all. I also tried my best to explain that our families were very close before Emma and I got together, and that I couldn't control who they were friends with. I did tell her we could talk though, and that we would maybe come up with something together that would make her feel more comfortable.

I let her know my family loves her. She didn't reply. It took everything I had to not keep calling her to see if she was ok, but I didn't want to upset her further (I read some comments saying it might, so I tried to listen). I still hadn't heard from her by the afternoon of the next day. I tried to call her again, but it rung out.

I sent her another message telling her I just wanted to know if she was ok and that if I didn't hear back from her soon, I would have to start calling her family or her friends. I didn't know if something had happened to her, this was so out of character, she's never done this. I was so worried. She texted me back straight away, "I'm fine. I'm not coming home." That was it.

I tried to call her, I knew she was right there, I figured she would pick up. I called, but she had turned her phone off. I didn't know what to do, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, I didn't know what I should be doing. I didn't know what would bring her home, I just wanted to talk.

I wanted to make it better. I ended up going to my parents house last night (they live close, about 5 minutes on a slow day), I was an absolute mess and didn't think I would cope by myself. It was about 8pm when I went over, I hadn't heard from her again. I went to bed in the spare room.

I was only asleep for a few hours when shit started to hit the fan. My phone was going off, it was Sarah. "WHERE ARE YOU" "Did you run back to her?". I had no idea what she was talking about. I told her I was at my parents, I told her I was coming home, I begged her to please just stay.

I was fumbling trying to get myself dressed and find my keys, it was about 2 in the morning, I kept dropping everything, I wanted to be gone. I was half way out the door and that's when it happened. She pulled up into the drive way and was absolutely livid when she got out of the car. She was screaming at me, yelling her head off and no matter what I did, she wouldn't calm down.

The street my parents live on is fairly echoey, she was loud, people started flicking their lights on and our neighbours started to come out onto their porches. It was a shit show. My parents came outside too, and my mother started to try and talk to her. They have always gotten along well, and she wasn't responding to me no matter how much I tried.

Sarah wasn't having it. She told me she knew what I had been doing behind her back, that her family knew and I was lucky enough to be given a chance to cut my ties and move on after having an affair for so long. I have NEVER cheated on her, let alone have an affair. I love Sarah, I wanted to marry HER and be with HER. It didn't matter what I said, she wouldn't believe me, she wouldn't listen.

She kept calling me every name under the sun. My mother asked her to please come inside to talk, that it was a misunderstanding, that I loved her, that they loved her and we just needed to talk it through.

Sarah started calling her a a terrible mother, a bad person - told her that she knew what I was apparently doing, and even encouraged it, how "sick" she was for that. My mother tried to explain herself, that this wasn't happening, and that's when Sarah slapped her. Out of nowhere. I went silent, my mother started to cry.

Sarah started apologising. Over and over. It was instant regret. But It didn't matter. I ended it right there. I told her to go, that the engagement was off, we were over and that she needed to get her things from my house. She was crying, still apologising, but you can't come back from that.

My mother's never not shown all the love in the world to Sarah, and for her to do that to someone, let alone someone that means that much to me, was enough. I don't know why she wouldn't listen to me, I don't know why she chose to believe these other people over me, why she wouldn't even talk, but it doesn't matter.

I've never felt this empty. I gave three years of my life to someone who refused to even talk to me or believe me. I thought I knew her, I thought she was kind. How can you go so long with someone and not even know what they could be capable of? All I know at this point is that I plan to stay single for a while.

TLDR: Sarah thought I was having an affair, I wasn't, after not contacting me for two days, she confronted me at my parents house at 2 in the morning, yelling and screaming at me and my family. She got physical against my mother, I ended it.