'My fiancé's ex-wife has cancer. He's moved in with her and postponed our wedding. AITA?' UPDATED
"My fiancé's ex-wife has cancer. He's moved in with her and postponed our wedding. AITA?"
Apologies for length. "Max" and I dated for two years and have been engaged for 9 months, with the wedding date set for early January. We have a healthy, honest relationship, and I've never had any reason to doubt him.
He and "Caroline" were high school sweethearts who married very young (They were both twenty-two, right out of college). They divorced after two years. Max told me that they got married too quickly and didn't realize how different their relationship would be in the "real world," i.e. when they were both working full-time jobs and struggling to pay the rent.
They split up on good terms, but didn't keep in touch. He remained in our home city, while she pursued a modelling career and began traveling extensively. Three months ago, Caroline contacted Max over Facebook out of the blue, saying she was in town and wanted to meet for coffee. He agreed.
Over coffee, she told him that she had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Her odds of survival were low, but she was determined to fight it through surgery and chemo. She said that all she wanted was for Max to be by her side throughout her treatment.
Caroline's parents died shortly after she married Max. She has no siblings and the rest of her family lives overseas. She described Max as the closest thing to family she has left.
I absolutely sympathise with Caroline. The next day Max had her over to our apartment and she was completely lovely, clearly trying very hard to be optimistic even in the face of her life potentially ending before she turns 30. I feel terrible for her and for the situation that she's in, and I fully supported Max being there for her.
Her first surgery was later that month. Max flew across the country (we live on the east coast, she's on the west) and checked into a hotel a few minutes from her apartment. He's a writer, so working from his laptop is no issue. We spoke on the phone or on Skype almost every day for the two weeks he was over there.
Caroline had her surgery at the beginning of June. Unfortunately, it was not entirely successful. Her doctors moved to the next method, chemo. Max came home after her surgery to tell me this.
He explained that Caroline's treatment plan was set to begin in July and end in late January. It would be an incredibly difficult time period for her, and she wanted him with her at all times.
We can't afford to pay for a hotel until January, so he moved into her apartment, sleeping on her sofa. He's been there for the past month and we continue to Skype, though only a couple times a week now.
When we spoke yesterday, Max gently told me that based on Caroline's condition, he wouldn't feel right leaving her so close to the end of her treatment. He'd like for us to postpone the wedding until February, at the very least, so that he can stay with her until her treatment is over.
I'm so conflicted. I feel awful for resenting Caroline at all - she has cancer! She's suffering immensely. But the resentment is still there. I resent her for needing Max constantly holding her hand, as though she has absolutely no friends of her own.
I resent Max, too, for agreeing to this situation. We won't be seeing each other in person for months now, on top of our wedding being postponed. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel. Right now I'm just full of anger and guilt, and I don't know how to explain it to anyone else in my life.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I feel horribly crass saying this, but I can't imagine them living together, as former lovers, near the possible end of her life, and them not sleeping together at some point. Admittedly, she'll be in an awful physical state, but it's such an emotionally-charged situation that it's highly likely.
It might be a good idea to schedule a couple sessions with an experienced relationship and grief counselor because it's an unusual problem, and if handled inappropriately it could end your relationship. EDIT: changed 'marriage' to 'relationship'.
I was thinking that but afraid to say it. With such an emotional situation, I would imagine Max would end up physically or emotionally cheating at some point. They're basically living as a couple right now.
The reason to doubt him is that he has moved in with his ex-wife and wants to postpone your wedding. You are being too easy on him. You sound like you're an extremely patient person, which is a great quality, but in this case it's really working against you.
engagedthrowaway---- (OP)
Everyone seems to be in agreement that this is a completely inappropriate (if incredibly sad) situation that Max isn't handling very well. I'll speak to him either tonight or tomorrow, whenever we Skype next, and tell him in no uncertain terms that I want him to come home.
From there, we can decide what to do, since I don't want to leave Caroline high and dry.
But him living there until February is out of the question.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
First off, thank you all so much for your advice and words of support. I’m sorry that I couldn’t reply to every comment, reply, or PM that I got, but I woke up to a locked post and over 100 unread messages.
I promise, I did read through every one of them. Each perspective was incredibly helpful and made me look at the situation in a completely different way. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I spoke to Max this morning. I told him that as terrible as I feel for Caroline, I don’t want him living over there until February. I suggested that we brainstorm some sort of schedule that allowed him to continue visiting her, even postponing our honeymoon and using that money to fund his plane tickets.
Several commenters brought up her moving over here for treatment, so I mentioned that as well, offering up our spare bedroom. I emphasised that I didn’t fault him for wanting to help an old loved one in what could be her final days, but that I couldn’t help but feel marginalised, especially so close to our wedding.
Max didn’t speak very much, just listened while I rambled on. When I couldn’t think of anything else to add, I asked him to please say something. So he told me the truth: Caroline was never stage 4. She was stage 2.
He assured me that the rest of his story is true. Caroline asking him to be with her, the initial surgery being unsuccessful, her chemo treatment plan, etc. But apparently her chances of survival are far greater than he led me to believe.
Max said he lied because he felt it was the only way I could understand his need to be with her. He thought that if her situation seemed less dire than literal life-or-death, I wouldn’t agree to him essentially moving across the country for her.
He admitted to telling her that our wedding had been postponed to next August, giving her the impression that him being away until February would be no problem. He has also been the one insisting on remaining by her side.
After her surgery, she had given him permission to return home, saying that it wouldn’t be fair to pressure him into living with her throughout her entire chemo treatment, as much as she would have liked him there. He refused to leave. He told her that I supported this decision fully.
Max swears that he’s not in love with her still, but I just can’t believe that. He lied to my face. Before she visited our apartment back in May, he warned me not to mention her being stage 4 as she was still “extremely sensitive about it.”
And I completely bought into that lie. I trusted him. He put his past with her over his future with me. I’ll be spending the next few months apartment hunting and cancelling wedding plans. Thank you all for your kind words.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The reveal of stage 2 made me gasp.
Oh my God, i am so sorry. What a turd. You on the other hand, handled this beautifully. Please lean on the people close to you in this time. Or lean on us! I know you don't think it right now, but you're going to be ok. Many internet hugs being sent your way.
engagedthrowaway---- (OP)
Thank you. I just feel like such an idiot. All this time, and I never once questioned his story. I never even saw Caroline - he told me that she was too embarrassed by her appearance to join in on our Skype calls. I just took him at his word.
What a complete and utter scumbag, pretty clear he never got over his ex and jumped ship at the first opportunity to get back with her.
Hideously painful though it is, it's a very good thing that you found out before you married that this guy was a scumbag who would literally use someone else's life-threatening illness to satisfy his selfish needs.
He is foul. Also, I'd be telling the ex wife exactly what he's done, too. Bet she won't be impressed either. You're a lucky person. Really. May not feel like it, now. But you are.