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Man ignores wife's request for food after hip surgery, she says, 'I fed you for 17 years!'

Man ignores wife's request for food after hip surgery, she says, 'I fed you for 17 years!'

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"AITA for demanding apology from carer/husband for not feeding me properly after major surgery?"

Important_School_957

Last night I sent a text to my husband saying "F you if you can't apologize." Now he won't talk to me. Background. I've been the main cook for this family for 17 years (I'm 40y). We have five kids, he is nearly 50y and he rarely cooks, but he is capable of cooking. 7 days ago I had a total hip replacement (planned) I'm on crutches and a lot of pain meds. He is my carer.

Yesterday 7pm he said he would start cooking dinner. I was concerned, and starving, and I asked him what dinner was. He said he was defrosting FROZEN chicken breast (for a Hello Fresh meal).

To set the scene, the lunch he served was 1/2 small plate of broccoli and sweet potato, no protein. Breakfast was a banana and a cuppa - I had to ask for 1 slice toast. So by 7pm, I was starving, helpless and in pain.

When he said frozen chicken, I yelled, "I know there's food in the fridge please just bring something!" Plan B was microwave lasagna leftovers which a neighbor delivered the day before, which he "cooked" (ie threw in the oven).

Lacking protein, I started yelling again, "I can't believe you can't find something proper, 17 years and I can't even trust you feed me?" *Edit - lasagna is Woolworths brand basic lasagna. Not homemade. Neighbor was very kind to deliver it but not high in protein.

He got mad saying "Don't you want food? I am offering chicken or lasagna with salad, what more do you want? How are you mad, I am offering you a choice!" I felt betrayed, disappointed, and unloved. But I needed to eat, so I told him lasagna. He served it, I eat and I go to bed.

After 30min, I'm still mad so I texted him: "I didn't think I would have to spell it out, feeding a person is not difficult. Your "plan" of defrosting frozen chicken at 7pm is absolutely ridiculous. Please have a nutritious meal for me tomorrow.

The trust I had for you has been going for a while now, but this is a huge low. And for you to throw a fit and try and make me look like the crazy one- f you if you can't apologize." Edit* yes I realise how awful this was.

But I'm mad. And I wanted real feedback, so being honest. I usually don't speak like this. But yes the resentment is growing for more reasons, this is just an example...He says nothing and completely ignores the text message.

This morning, he goes to work as planned, my 16yo daughter is caring for me during the day, she feeds me well. He comes home at 6pm. Still no apology. He makes the chicken dinner tonight (he defrosted it last night).

Brings it to me and then he leaves silently. He parks himself in front of the TV. I eat, and finish, but I cannot take care of the dirty plate, so it's sitting beside me on the bed.

Ten minutes after I eat, I use crutches to hobble to get my own medication, and he ignored me while I struggled to get a glass of ice water and take the meds. It's an obvious struggle and he is choosing to ignore me.

I manage to take the meds, and as I walk by him to go to bed, he says nothing. He just now crawled into bed and is near asleep. He hasn't said anything to me yet. No "how are you?", no apology, no consideration. Silence. Does he owe me an apology? Or AITA?

*Edit for clarification: I'm not sitting around in bed. I'm walking as much as possible, following doctor and PT directions. It's my second hip replacement. First one was in 2018. Early onset osteoarthritis. I can't cook yet though, and he said he would.

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

Wootleage

Y'know, I've read some of these comments and I can understand the Y T A's and the E S H's but personally I'm going to say NTA. I've been ill and in pain. Being hungry as well is awful. And if you can't physically do anything about it, it can all get overwhelming. I can completely understand the outburst.

My husband cannot cook. He is 50. I do all the meal planning, prepping and cooking in my house. Always have. Our joke is that it is because I want to live. I was ill and hospitalised for six weeks in the run up to xmas a fair few years back. And he stepped up.

He made sure I had a steady supply of hot and cold drinks. I had snacks. I had proper food. He was up and down between our bedroom and the kitchen like a jack in the box. He even dragged me out of the house to walk up and down the street so I could get fresh air and ensure I was still mobile, leaning on him the entire time.

He can't cook so he either ordered in, heated up things from others or made sandwiches/ beans on toast etc. I didn't have to ask for him to think of me, he just did it.

If you can't step up for the person who is supposed to mean more to you than anyone else (excluding kids) in the world, then why be there? He loves me. He did it. While working full time & with a young child. I would be angry too OP. I would also be devastated to realise that I don't mean that much to him.

emz272

Exactly this. When my partner had surgery less intensive but still major chest surgery (she could walk around within 1-2 days, though reaching and holdings thing was hard/not advisable), I can’t imagine having left her like this.

Luckily, we had friends sign up to bring food for 1-2 weeks (incredibly lucky) so I could focus on serving things and helping meet mental/emotional needs (totally recommend setting up a meal train to anyone with major surgery upcoming, even though I normally cook in our house it was a godsend, helped with variety, and made us feel so supported during a stressful time).

DiligentAd1471

Completely agree with you. His behavior is a giant FU. He’s not checking on her, he’s not thinking about the 17 years worth of meals she made for their family that he could try to copy (even if he’s not a good cook he can like…try). He has no concern about nutrition for someone recovering from major surgery.

Girl_with_no_Swag

Something was broken long long before your hip. You and your husband both are lacking basic communication, compassion, and flexibility and are knotted up in your own resentments, frustrations, stubbornness, and anger. Add in a major stressful life event, and all of your prior issues have bubbles to the surface.

I’m sorry for both of you. You are both being AH. You obviously have the most emergent needs right now, so the scale is tipped because of that, but that doesn’t mean you lack responsibility for the state of your issues, just that he looks like more of an AH than you.

jmbbl

"The trust I had for you has been going for a while now."

So, I feel like you're burying the lede here a little bit. He's obviously not doing a great job of being a carer, but the anger in your text was clearly influenced by other stuff too. Still, NTA. He needs to do better.

The OP also added:

Important_School_957

To clarify, I ordered Hello Fresh meals for him to cook, and he knows that's what's expected.

arsenal_kate

NTA. Did he say why he didn’t do the HelloFresh meals? Those are so easy! He wouldn’t even have to plan or find any ingredients, just assemble it. He’s definitely making an active choice not to use them.

The OP again responded:

Important_School_957

He had three meals to chose from, (not including the ready made meals) and he chose the chicken one, with frozen chicken... we should have talked through that decision and figured out why. But I broke down and yelled instead. Still feel like he made it worse by yelling back and saying I have two shit choices when looking back there were like 6... sigh. I'm tired. Idk... this has been a good exercise.

Anxious-Armadillo565

NTA. 1) you are in pain 2) you are married to a person who has in his 40+ years of life, apparently never had to plan/cook a nutritious meal and gets all offended because his “but I (quarterassedly) tried” is not getting him the praise and eternal gratitude for exemplary caretaking he expected.

That really, really sucks, but on the other hand, if the person has never truly stepped up before, expecting it now is somewhat wishful thinking. Wish you a speedy recovery!

So, do you think the OP was being too demanding or do you think her husband was blatantly ignoring her simple request?

Sources: Reddit
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