'I found a child’s shirt in the belongings of my fiancé.' UPDATED
"I found a child’s shirt in the belongings of my fiancé."
I’m sorry if this is long and all over the place. I met my fiancé when we dated as kids in middle school. We reconnected about 2 years ago after living life separately and meshed so well that we decided to just take the jump. His family lives in Texas (we originally lived in Minnesota) with his mother not doing well so we moved down here to be close.
My fiancé has a 2 bedroom that he’d purchased when he first learned of his mothers condition, this was about a year ago. At first after we realized we wanted things long term, he would fly back and forth every couple weeks or so until I asked him to just stay with me.
He had no intention of moving back and it was kinda a “you move here or we do long distance” situation. he did not explicitly tell me that but that is just what I gathered from our situation. After time of thinking I quit my job and just moved to be with him. I have been here officially for 40 days. Just a bit of back story
When looking for something in the garage last week i found a pair of baby sized Nike shoes. I asked him who they belonged to and he said he had no idea. I thought nothing of it at the time and just tossed them.
Two days ago, when going through the hamper to do our laundry I found a small pink “Bluey” t shirt. Probably the size of a 5 or 6 year old. I immediately remembered the shoes and my mind started to race.
I admit I assumed the worst (that he’s hiding a kid from me) and blew up a bit, accused him of lying to me, I started to get emotional and things of that nature. And an argument ensued after I didn’t believe him when he swore he had no idea where these things are from.
He is an only child so no nieces, the only family he really talks to here are his parents. He offered no explanation other than simply insisting he has no idea. I pretty much shut down after realizing we were getting nowhere and have spoken maybe 10 words to him since then. He is not pushing me to either, feels like I am just here.
Since yesterday I am just filled with despair and regret about moving here and I’m not even sure if I should be. I guess I’m just curious how I can go about this? The mere thought of apologizing for my blow up and trying to rectify things when he is secretly lying to me about something like that just makes my stomach churn.
I don’t at all hope or even want to believe that is the case.
He has never given me any reason to feel like this but it just doesn’t make any sense to me.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I think it makes a big difference whether his attitude is, "I don't know where these things came from, you should just forget about it," versus, "I don't know where these things came from, I agree it seems really weird, let's try to figure it out."
This. I've randomly found kids clothes intermixed in my stuff but it's as simple as I've had nieces and nephews over even years prior and just never thought to do a clean house for crawl spaces or bins very often. It's still weird but this kind of stuff happens when you sometimes babysit kids.
If you don't or never have it's strange and weirder still to not have any curiosity whatsoever. It doesn't have to be a mystery either of you can or even need to solve but his reaction or lack of surprise at ALL is a red flag imo.
My mind went to even a worse place than yours…let’s pray it’s not either.
Ten days later, the OP returned with an update.
Not sure I’m formatting this right but just wanted to update for those still messaging me and commenting. This is probably anti-climactic for most of you and in hindsight maybe obvious but PLEASE refrain from the negativity or “I told you so’s” in the comments, trust me I have beaten myself up enough, nothing can be said that I haven’t thought to myself already.
Someone here suggested I suggest getting cameras to him and gauge his reaction. (Thank you so much if reading, I lost you in the sea of comments lol) He was very against it and jumped to the conclusion I was trying to catch him in something.
A reaction that took me by surprise. After that I said forget it and went through his phone (another popular suggestion) Something neither of us had done since knowing each other so I’d watched him put in the code from the corner of my eye and then went through it when he slept.
Found a woman he’s been calling/answering calls from while he’s working maybe every other day. After my hands stopped shaking I called from my phone and asked who she is, she asks me who I am and i tell her I’m his fiancé.
She tells me she’s the mother of his kids and that he’s a father of 2 boys and a girl, 10, 7 and 5 years old. That they met in college and have been on and off since then but they are currently just coparenting (an obvious lie).
She then tells me she was told about me and he’d said I was pregnant?? And pretty much moved here at random against his will. That I was just a crazy one night stand while they were on break and he was just trying to coparent.
Basically playing this role of the heroic father (to a fake baby) trying to do right. When in reality he’s just a psychotic POS. She seemed more relieved I wasn’t pregnant than anything 🤮 but that is her issue.
Told her about the shirt and she’d said her kids spent the weekend, another lie because no one has even been here since i’ve moved in. Didn’t even seem to care he hid his own children from a woman he was going to marry.
Anyway he doesn’t know but I'm leaving, I’ll be using my little savings to get home and stay at a motel until I’m on my feet again. Thankfully when I left my boss said I was always welcome back. My flight is in 2 days.
Also probably shouldn’t have but I broke his phone too and said I accidentally spilled water on it because about an hour after I called the girl she texted him “Call me” and I panicked, I assume she plans to tell him that I know even tho I asked her not to. It hurts and I’ve been evaluating everything thus far, every conversation we’ve had, every little piece that hasn’t added up.
One thing I will say, although he never begged me to move or anything, we did have numerous convos about the possibility and a month before I moved here he acted so excited and even sent me a bunch of job listings in the area.
I definitely did not stalk him at all but he clearly wants his baby mama if he’s concocted this whole psycho fairytale to sell her so I’m honestly and truly done. Just trying to remain calm and sane until I’m up and out of his life for good.
This whole time he hasn’t even asked why I’m not talking to him either, (thankfully ig because I wouldn’t know what to say) and I know he’s a garbage parasite but that just hurts me even more. It’s like I really was just nothing this whole time.
Uprooted my whole life literally for nothing more than a singular month of playing wife. Now to pick up the pieces and repair em all on my own, while his life stays unchanged and he’s happy with his family. So yeah this was probably more of a vent but at least you guys can stop wondering.
This has all happened within the last 48 hours so I am still collecting myself emotionally. I do appreciate all the support and advice. And to any women currently feeling like something isn’t adding up, please trust your gut the first time. Ignoring it will never work out in favor of the relationship.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
With how lazy some of these cheaters are (how dumb do you have to be to just leave kids clothes and shoes around in the home your share with your partner when you have no kids with her?), you'd think these dudes WANT to be caught.
Lying about a whole trifecta of kids? Dude is sick and his baby momma is shady af.
I’m so sorry. But at least you found out before a wedding. . But look at it as your new start and future awaits. Onwards and upwards. Good luck OP.