'I was using my GF's phone and found harassing messages from my MOM.' UPDATED

"I just found out my mom has been sending my girlfriend cruel messages for who knows how long. I don’t know how to handle this (M36/F32)"

Generally, not much rattles me. My friends call me a “stoic, emotionally-constipated idiot,�� and they’re not wrong. Which is why we’re all still a little stunned that the love of my life is basically my opposite.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for eight years, known her for ten. She’s quiet, gentle, brilliant (an actual whole ass professor) and genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. She’s silly, shy, goofy in the best ways, and loves to poke fun. I love all of it. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anyone ever in this lifetime. But last night, something happened that I can’t let go of.

My phone was charging, so I was scrolling Instagram reels on hers like I usually do. One of her friends DMed her. Normally I’d send back some dumb reaction photo so they know it’s me, just a thing in our circle. But it wasn’t a joke. It was screenshots my girlfriend had sent her friend, and the friend was trying to comfort her.

I hesitated, then opened the screenshots to read better. And I’m glad I did, I don't even regret it anymore because what I saw were multiple messages from my mother. Cruel ones. And the timestamps weren’t all from the same day. So I don’t know how long this has been happening. A week? Longer? No idea.

Some of the messages my mom sent:

“Maybe he hasn’t proposed because you haven’t given him a child. Men don’t marry placeholders.” (most recent. This one makes me see red. I can't even imagine how my baby felt)

“If you stopped dressing like a teenage boy and put on some makeup, maybe he’d see you as a wife instead of one of his little friends.”

“You’re keeping him from his family. He used to visit.” (For clarity: I’m the one who pulled back because of her behavior toward one of my sisters. That's a whole other issue. So nothing to do with my girlfriend.)

“You think you’re special? You’re lucky he even brought you home. Girls like you don’t get commitment from men like him.” (like what the hell is this?)

“You’re not good enough for the life he deserves.”

Reading them made my stomach drop. They were hateful and completely false. There's even more but these were the ones seered into my brain. And my girlfriend didn’t tell me about any of them. She’s just been carrying this alone. Smiling, laughing with me, all while this garbage was sitting in the back of her mind.

My girlfriend avoids conflict. She hates upsetting anyone. I get it. It’s easier to talk to a friend first, and my mom can be… intense. She probably didn’t want to put me in a position where it looked like choosing sides.

But I’ve chosen. And it’s not her I’m angry with.

I’m furious at my mother. I’m exhausted by this. She knows how much my girlfriend means to me. She hears me talk about her constantly. I really thought she might actually be happy for me. At the same time, I don’t want to make this harder on my girlfriend or make her feel exposed.

So here’s where I need advice:

Do I tell my girlfriend gently that I saw the messages, that I’m on her side, and she doesn’t need to shield me from my own mother?

Or do I handle my mother privately and not bring it up unless my girlfriend does?

I just want her to feel safe and supported. And it makes me sick that she’s been dealing with this alone. I mean actually sick. I'm just watching her make breakfast and I just... What’s the best approach that prioritizes her well-being first?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Connect_Composer_849 said:

Be honest with your GF, explain how you saw the messages, how they made you feel. Tell her what you have told us- that you want to support her wellbeing and ask her what she feels is the best way to deal with this. She may just be reassured that you know or she may want you both to address it directly face to face with your mother.

DrPhysicsGirl said:

You talk individually with both. You can't unknow what you know, so you have to let your girlfriend know that you saw the messages. (And she will probably feel relief once she knows you're on her side.) It is your job to interact with your family, so you need to talk directly with your mom. I think you need to go LC or NC with your mom for some time, unless she apologizes to your girlfriend.

OP responded:

Thank you for your reply. I'm leaning terribly on NC at the moment. And yeah, I will be talking to my girlfriend. Someone mentioned I should probably cool off first. Thanks.

Impossible_Glove_141 said:

Oh god talk to your gf only god knows what's she been going through!! Also I'd suggest to confront your mother as well cuz she needs to learn to respect your boundaries or it may get worse after yall get married as she'll have a "direct" authority over her.

Tell your gf how you actually feel in response to all the nonsense your mom has sent. Also more power to you, man can't even think how it feels to be in such a position

OP responded:

Thank you for your reply. I'm in this like in between of shock and rage and I took a walk, realized I can't function, and made this post. I think this is just it for me. I'll be talking to my girlfriend today I just have to figure out how to approach this. Im upset but I can't imagine how upset my girlfriend has been and for how long.

All I know is that when me and my girlfriend do get married I don't want my mother there. Im the last of her kids that put up with her. As her son I thought I had a duty but this is just a line that has been triple crossed behind my back and Knowing my girlfriend she's going to figure out a way to forgive and forget but I won't I can't.

Comment from OP:

Okay so this got overwhelming really quick. I appreciate everyone's replies and their advice. Truly. I thought only 20 people would be here... But I'm going to walk away from my phone.

Probably wasn't even the healthy move to begin with seeking advice from strangers but I just wanted to get out of my head and at least find options that weren't call my mom and tell her to go to hell I'll be slimming in a bit but I need to step away. Plus breakfast is ready thank you all thank you so much.

OP later shared this update:

I talked to my girlfriend the same night I made that original post. We’re working through everything together right now, and things are headed in a GOOD direction. I’m not ready to write the full update yet since there’s a lot to sort out privately before I come back with all of the details. But I did want to say something to the people who reached out when I was clearly not in the best headspace.

For transparency, I told my girlfriend exactly what happened: that I panicked, had what I’m pretty sure was some kind of anxiety attack, and ended up here asking a question that, in hindsight, had a pretty obvious answer. Not my finest hour, considering I’m usually you know the calm one between us. I guess I was bound to pop at some point.

I even ugly cried on the side of the road... Jesus Christ. I also showed her this account. And she like looked at me then the comments and upvotes, and hit me with: “Bet you wish your actual account got this much engagement, huh?” Destroyed me in seconds... But so very accurate 💔💔💔

A lot has happened since, and some of it was super eye-opening. Turns out my mom has a pattern of this behavior. After my girlfriend and I talked I reached out to my siblings and my younger brother opened up and told me she did the same thing to his now wife years ago. He just didn’t tell anyone.

They both moved far away and kept their distance because of it. That was a hard thing to hear, but it explains sooo much. (also my gf is supper close with my siblings too so she knows she knows)

Anyway, to sum it all up real quick: my girlfriend and I are solid. We’re talking, we’re being honest, and we’re on the same team. I’m taking care of the rest.

I just wanted people to know things are okay, and we’re moving forward and I appreciate a lot of you. Im too anxious to open up any of the comments on the OG post some of y'all are brutal. But real. My girlfriend has been peeking for me though...