This is honestly not something I expected to post about, but here's the thing. I have known this woman [28F] for a while since we are in the same friend groups. She's a nice person, attractive, and honestly, I've always enjoyed my talks with her.
A few weeks ago, I [26M] asked her out on a date. I figured, if she says no, it's fine. But she actually agreed. We went on a date this past Saturday, and honestly, I thought it was awesome.
We went out to dinner, had drinks, spent the rest of the night talking, and we even took a walk on a walking-bridge over the town's lake (it's not a big one). I dropped her off and was elated. I absolutely loved the night.
However, that night when I was scrolling through TikTok on my bed, a post from her (I didn't follow her nor did I know she had a TikTok) appeared on my 'For You' page. Essentially, she said in the post, "Getting ready for a date I really don't want to go on."
That was like a bucket of ice water being thrown on my head. I was so freaking happy, and I just found out she didn't even want to go on a date with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she has to want it, but please, let me know if that's the case.
We don't need to go out. We can forget I even asked her out. But doing this, on the internet? It made me... self-conscious? Not sure if that's the right word. Now, I'm unsure about what to do.
Should I tell her I saw this or just forget about it? Honestly, it really hurt me, and I'm not really sure I want to give this another try. I mean, she didn't want to go out with me in the first place. Right?
TL;DR: Asked [28F] out, had an amazing date, later discovered her TikTok post indicating she didn't want to go out. Feeling hurt and unsure whether to talk to her about it.
I'd say leave her be. If she asks why, then tell her you saw her video. Simple as that.
I just wouldn‘t ask her for a second date and let it be. Don‘t give her fuel for her tiktok. Just tell her you don‘t think you‘re a good fit if she asks.
I think context matters a lot. was she saying she didn't want to go out with you or just wasn't in the mood to go out- is her content about social anxiety? I rarely want to actually do things while I'm getting ready, it's 100% anxiety.
But that does not mean I don't want to spend time with the people I have plans with. Or she just really didn't want to go, idk her and didn't see the video, my only point is that phrase alone doesn't necessarily speak to her feelings about you.
The thing for me would be this: who on earth would post that on tiktok, and why? The potential answers will tell you a lot. I would never want to be with someone that would find that an appropriate thing to post for so many reasons.
My interest in such a person would disappear after seeing something like that and I hope you have the wherewithal to feel similarly. This woman is not worth it and at least you discovered that quickly. Distance yourself if you know what's good for you. No point in causing any drama over it and honestly, that might be something she would enjoy.
As an introvert with some social anxiety, I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to go on a first date. Even if I really liked the guy and wanted to go to the location, my mind would always convince me I was going to be unhappy. Luckily most of my first dates had been fine or great (sprinkle in a few duds.)
As an older woman, I don’t understand this need to post everything that goes on in your life or in your mind. Sometimes it’s nice to just let passing thoughts pass. But I also understand younger people grew up immersed in social media and this is normal to them.
This person has made it clear that she’s going to post things publicly that you may think should be private. That alone may drive you to decline any future dates with her, and if so, just let her know you saw her TT and aren’t comfortable with your dates being the subject of her videos.
Be forewarned she may post about it. If you choose to see her again, I think it’s worth having an honest conversation and set your boundary around what you aren’t comfortable with her posting.
Hello, everyone. Some people have reached out to me through comments or chat, asking for an update on the situation. Sadly, there isn't much to share at the moment, but I'll provide what I can. Please keep in mind that I won't be discussing this further, nor will I reply to comments. Thank you for your understanding.
After last week's post, I read almost every comment, or at least most of them. I'm thankful to all those who commented and shared a bit of their own personal story. Some people mentioned that anxiety is normal and feeling like not going out is definitely common, suggesting that I shouldn't look too much into it.
While I agree with their perspective and see no fault in not feeling like going out, what bothered me the most in this situation was having to post a TikTok for a significant audition.
I'm a private person by nature, and even my social media accounts, like Instagram, have only a single post. I don't really like to overtly share, nor do I want to be with someone who does. It's completely fine to share whatever you want; I just don't want to be a part of it.
So, I decided not to contact her. I chose to pretend I had never seen the post and let things be. I understand a lot of people might think this isn't the best choice, but I feel it is the best course for both of us.
Last Thursday, a few friends, who also happen to know her, invited me for drinks. We went to a bar, and while we were eating and enjoying our drinks, a mutual friend asked me how my date went, as our circle was aware that we were going on a date. I didn't want to say much, so I just replied, "Oh, it was good, but I don't think we clicked."
This friend followed it by saying, "We figured," which made me feel rather uneasy. When I asked what he was talking about, he hesitated but eventually said that they had seen a TikTok post from her about not wanting to go out. At this point, I didn't really know what to say. This situation is just incredibly messy for me, but there's not much I can do about it.
Still, I wasn't going to mention it, nor did I try to look up if there was any update on her part. In fact, I deleted TikTok after that incident. It just wasn't doing me any good. Nevertheless, this past Saturday, she sent me a text. She mentioned that she enjoyed our date and asked if I wanted to go out again.
I understand that she clearly stated that she enjoyed our time together. However, I don't want to be with someone who exposes so much of their personal life. It's not something that would be good for me.
So, I decided to tell her the truth and sent a text explaining that while I absolutely enjoyed our date, her company, and that I thought she was an amazing woman, her post from the night of our date came across my For You page on TikTok, and it made me feel really self-conscious.
While I understand that she enjoyed the date, contrary to what she felt at the time of the post, I didn't feel comfortable going out with someone who had such a high level of exposure online. I wished her the best and expressed hope that she finds someone whose lifestyle aligns with hers.
She has read the message, and left me on read ever since. I don't think she will reply, and I don't think we'll have a lot of social interactions going forward. I'm sorry if this wasn't the update you guys were expecting. But yeah, sadly, that's what the situation became. Anyhow, wish everyone a good day.
OP, contrary to what you may think - you got the message through to her loud and clear. I feel so sorry for people dating in the era of ever present social media. It just ruins everything it touches.
I was late to the party on the last post you made. I think what you did was right. You gave your explanation in a way that she couldn't really milk it for content. If she did use your response for content, she would have been shat on so hard and labelled a shitty person. Hopefully, this is a good lesson for her going forward.
The part where his friends had also seen the post is what makes it gross, and kind of sad. Someone making it publicly known that they're just so not looking forward to going out with you, and your friend group being exposed to that? Bleh.
Exactly. Especially with no follow up that says “Yes, I was nervous about going, Thought it was going to be awkward. But it was great! We had a lovely conversation!” Who wants to be with someone who puts their disapproval with you out for all to see, but withholds their approval? She gives me the ick.
What a classy response. All for naught, of course, since she’ll 100% make a TikTok about it, but still, very well done.