'I am hurt my best friend didn't stand up for me when someone in our friend group uninvited me from a girls trip the night before.' UPDATED
"I am hurt my best friend didn't stand up for me when someone in our friend group uninvited me from a girls trip the night before. Am I expecting too much from my best friend?"
Hi everyone! So I have a friendgroup from college and we all still hang out with each other as a group every couple of months. My best friend (lets call her A) and I hang out almost every weekend and are very close.
She is also good friends with another girl in our group (lets call her B). B and I are not super close, but I always thought we were friendly together. I know in girl friend groups it's normal to not be super close with everyone, and that's okay. I always tried to be her friend and treat her the same as the other girls.
A few months ago, our group was at a picnic discussing a group trip. B said her family had a cabin upstate and we should all go up there for a weekend. Everyone agreed and we all set the date for this past weekend.
Everything was great and normal these past weeks, we were all texting in a group chat about going on this trip and sharing what we're going to pack, what movies we're going to watch.
The night before we're supposed to leave, B sends me a text message essentially saying "hi, I feel like we're not close friends. I think you dont like me and that's okay. I don't want us to be fake with each other so it's for the best that you don't join us this weekend."
I'm shocked, however I try to be understanding and tell her "I do like you and enjoy our hang outs. It's okay we're not super close, I do not act fake around you. I totally understand and the group can go with out me. If I did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry and am open to talking about it."
This really hurt me. And I was in shock trying to figure out what happened and what I did wrong. I texted my best friend A who was attending the girls trip to let her know I was uninvited. Her first reaction was basically "oh well, you girls weren't close anyways so it's whatever."
She then said, "I hope you don't expect me to get in the middle of this, because I dont think it's my place and would effect my mental health." I of course, trying to be accomodating said everything is okay and it's okay for her to not get involved.
After a day of crying about this and feeling really awful. I realised that this was a really terrible thing that B did to me. And I also realized that my best friend A was not supportive of me. I don't expect my best friend to not go on the trip. But I expected her to acknowledge that what B did was really mean and awful.
I just wanted her support and I was hoping that when inevitably the topic of me comes up during the girls trip, she would stand up for me and say "hey it's okay for you guys to not be friends but it's not okay to exclude someone from a group event at the very last minute."
I let A know that her lack of support was really hurtful to me. And If she was in my position, I would acknowledge that our mutual friend did something really awful. I would feel really bad going on this trip knowing A is at home feeling really hurt.
She however thinks that this conflict is solely between B and Me, and that she shouldn't get involved. She said she has an independent friendship with B, and that her getting involved will make things worst.
Do you think it's wrong/too much to expect my best friend to stand up for me when our mutual "friend" uninvited me last minute to a group event? I'm not asking her to pick a side, however it feels like she's okay with B essentially bullying me.
It's okay that she wants to be friends with B, that's totally acceptable. However, I do think you should have the courage to stand up to a friend who's bullying your other friend. Greatly appreciate your insights.Thank you.
Edit: I agree that in principal friends should stick up for each other but that’s not always the reality. Im okay with not being friends with this group. Friends change a lot in your 20s I guess. Some stay some go. It is what it is.
I spoke to my best friend (a) and she’s pretty set on that she shouldn’t get in the way and that it’s not her place to say anything. She also is now saying that she doesn’t think I should be upset considering B and I were never close. And there were times I criticised B behind her back. So I shouldn’t be upset.
Maybe she’s right I shouldn't speak ill about someone but- I’m not perfect. And I think there’s a difference between a private criticism and a direct offence. If that changes your perspective let me know!
Edit 2: I texted B and let her know her actions were mean spirited and unkind. And I am okay not being friends. I left our group chat. I spoke to A and we agreed to take some time apart and speak in person about this next week.
Edit 3: hi all, here’s a final update. I spoke to A on the phone and it seems we just don’t see eye to eye on this case. She said she acknowledges I’m hurt but ultimately it was a BS choice.
I think this argument was going in circles so I decided to put the issue at rest there. I think though I’m valid in my ask, A is just not the person to support me in that way that I wish. A and I are still friends. I think that I’m willing to let this just be an isolated moment where we didn’t align. And that’s okay.
I have other friends who are willing to stand up for me and I now have a newfound appreciation for them. A and I will continue to be friends but I will keep this in mind for the future. Thank you to everyone for your encouraging words and also helping me see different perspective.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You're wrong. A did pick a side. It just wasn't yours.
Sounds like A is your Best Friend but you are not hers.
Very last-minute change in plans. I don't think your friend is a good friend or as innocent as she makes out to be. Someone must have recently said something to B, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was A (even in passing/jokingly).
Time for new friends. A is supposedly your best friend but did what benefits her most. You should consider leaving this friend group. Update me!
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
I wanted to make an update post because there have been some revelations. But first- Here's a big congrats to the commenter on my last post asking if there is a man involved, turns out there is!!
My best friend (A) calls me to chat, a week after the whole uninvited situation happened. We talk like normal, and then she tells me that she wanted to tell me the truth about what happened and why I was uninvited. Here's what she tells me:
Basically a weekend before we were supposed to go to the cabin for a girls trip, we all went out for drinks at a bar. There was our entire girl group, and a few other mutual friends. Basically B was trying to set up A with one of the guys at that event.
And turns out all of the girls in the group were upset with me because they thought I was flirting with him, knowing they were trying to set him and A up. This is news to me because I have given this man zero thought. This is all so out of left field. I just started laughing when A told me about this, because what the eff?
Let me clarify: I was not flirting with him. I didn't speak to him at all except for a few minutes very late into the night. From my perspective, he was the one asking me about my dating life, how I feel about men, etc.
I had a similar conversation with the other girls and guys when the topic came up with them. I was not flirting with those other girls and guys either. Also, I would never flirt with a guy knowing my friend likes him. That's not the type of person I am. I thought my friends knew that. And I really thought A knew that about me.
Anyways, I guess these things were being whispered about me, which led to B uninviting me completely. This was not brought up me before the girls trip. A asked me if I found that guy attractive and I said no. That's basically the only communication about this situation I'm aware of.
I don't know, I don't think I said anything flirtatious to him. I didn't ask him about his dating or sex life. I didn't touch him in any way. I didn't ask for his contact or anything. I was just being friendly. I just wish they'd asked me about the situation instead of assuming the worst of me.
So yeah. I'm done being friends with these girls. It just feels like blatant slut shaming. I'm hurt by A, but I clarified to her that I would never do that and I'm sorry if my conversation with him looked flirtatious. I don't want to continue this fight because I have other priorities in my life. Thanks for your thoughts.
Edit 1: Just wanted to say I really appreciate your thoughts and your words of support. When A told me about this issue I specifically told her that I don’t want to be friends with people who assume the worst of me.
And because I didn’t want to argue I just said A and I were fine. But I think you’re right that she’s also not been a good friend to me. And she did let her jealously get in between our friendship.
Our first confrontation (in my original post) was really hostile. She kept telling me that it’s not her place to get involved and it’s between B and Me. But actually this does have to do with A. And instead of telling me what was wrong, she just made me feel bad about being upset that I was excluded.
I think I will kind of distance myself from her and we can be friends, but just not as close. As for the other girls in the group- screw em. Im fine never hearing from them again. I have other friends who have my back. Thanks again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You need to drop that friend group immediately. This goes double for A. Every single person has lied to you, judged you and excluded you. Without any respect or a chance that you’d give an acquaintance, much less a friend.
And A was the worst in this. She played it as a disagreement that was nothing to do with her. Knowing the truth and the gossip that had judged you. Over a guy. For that you need to cut her out of your life.
You need to drop that friend group immediately. This goes double for A. Every single person has lied to you, judged you and excluded you. Without any respect or a chance that you’d give an acquaintance, much less a friend.
And A was the worst in this. She played it as a disagreement that was nothing to do with her. Knowing the truth and the gossip that had judged you. Over a guy. For that you need to cut her out of your life.
visvaci (OP)
I just don’t know what I was supposed to do instead. Not talk to that guy? Avoid him? Change the topic? I don’t know.
Sucks when you realize you're not your best friend's best friend.
I wonder how long they were planning on dropping OP. Because 'you chatted to someone we were trying to set up with someone else' is super weak sauce.