Postpartum boundaries shattered friendship when woman's friend finally reveals sibling crush. UPDATE
"My friend invited herself on my trip and won't take no for an answer. Advice please?"
My US friend group is pretty diverse and we've all visited each other's home countries in the past 2 years. We either stayed in a hotel or a family home, depending on space.
I'm going to my home country for two months and a half in the summer. All of my friends have known since Christmas pretty much and all of them know it's not an open invite like usual because I'm not going for fun. I'm spending my time there with my family and I'm going to be busy with my fiancé finalizing everything wedding related.
So, my friend decided that she didn't want to go home for the summer, instead wanted to come with me and decided that she'll just stay at my family home like before. I told her that it really won't be a good time, plus, we're not opening the family home for anyone outside of family this year (for a very good reason)
Instead of accepting that, she asked about my other accomodations, I told her they're in use and not available. I didn't offer a hotel and from the way she's been talking, she can't afford one right now.
So instead of giving up, she said that she can just go there and figure it out then which in my opinion translates to 'I will fly there and make it your problem so you have no choice but to accommodate me.'
I told her if she does that, she'll have to truly figure it out on her own because I'm not budging or folding, she laughed it off and told me that obviously because she didn't mean it like an ultimatum. I asked her if she's okay, if there's something going on at home or with her personally etc, because it's not like her to do something like this, she said everything's good.
I, however, feel like I'm stuck. If she goes through with her brilliant figure it out plan, she'll be a foreign woman in a country she's only visited twice before with a guide (aka me) who doesn't speak the native language or understand the map, etc... I can't leave her alone no matter what I warned her I'd do. Advice, please?
Twelve hours later, the OP returned with an update.
So I took the advice and sent her a long text copy pasted from one of the comments with just a few things changed up. Then I sent another text to my friends group chat just to make sure again that they know it's not an open invite and then I wrote out why I'm making sure and what's been said between my friend and I.
She left me on seen privately but replied in the group chat that she's not daft, she understood me perfectly the first time and what she decides to do with her time and vacation is none of my business.
I told her that she should stop making it my business then and stop telling me about her summer plans altogether if it involves my home country. She replied that I don't have a claim to the country (???) and that my family's reason for not opening up our home is stupid and that we need to get over ourselves because it's not the second coming of Christ.
I told her she's free to her opinion just like I'm free to mine and that in my opinion, she's acting like an entitled brat. I added that she should lose my number until she's ready to apologize, tell me what's wrong (because she's clearly not okay imo, it's not like her) and talk it out like adults.
If anyone's wondering, what she perceives as 'not the second coming of Christ' is my eldest brother and his wife welcoming their second baby in mid July and my parents, my other older brothers and I being the village that we are and helping them while also spoiling my toddler nephew rotten lol.
So no guests or visitors are allowed outside of our immediate family while my SIL heals and she and my brother adjust (per their request).
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’d just be really direct with her, “hey I know we usually travel in groups but this trip really is just for fiance and I. We’re staying with family and we’ve got a packed schedule. I genuinely will not have the time to spend with you nor space to accommodate you.” And then just leave it.
Don’t share any more info about your trip, not the dates you’re going or the flight you’re booked on…she’s an adult and if she makes the choice to go down there on vacation, that’s totally up to her but she’ll have to fend for herself because you’ve made it clear this was not an open invitation and you’re not going to be entertaining or hosting her.
ThatOneGirlyx05 (OP)
The thing is that I've already told her all of this but I think she thinks we're being over dramatic or something. She doesn't know the exact date I'm leaving or my flight details but she doesn't need to in a way?
She knows the timeframe which is early July to early September so she can technically fly there within that. I know that if she does go through with it that I need to stick to my guns but I will also be worried about her because it's the same person who's gotten lost in Malls multiple times lol.
You CAN leave her alone. You NEED to leave her alone. She has to learn that actions have consequences. A threat with no teeth shows you to be a doormat. She’s a grown ass woman. This is on her to figure out. Don’t pick her up from the airport if she shows up. Don’t answer her calls/texts/emails.
Just over a month later, the OP returned with another update.
Right, so, I was asked to update when I made my first post, and I thought I would if she did end up coming after August/September. However, things ended up happening much sooner.
We didn't talk for nearly 2 and a half weeks after my last text, and I didn't see her much at hangouts since she was mad at the rest of our friends as well. They didn't exactly take sides, but they did point out that her plan was plain stupid.
Anyway, she ended up coming to one of the girls' place for a group dinner, and we had a private-ish chat. She finally opened up about why she's acting like that and as it turns out, she has a huge crush on one of my brothers and was hoping she'd get him alone this summer and shoot her shot with him.
It's annoying, but I've been used to having friends having crushes on my brothers and my dad my whole life, so I just let her talk. She admitted that she has been sending him DM on IG trying to get to know him, but he's been politely cordial at best and ignores half of her texts.
Then she started asking me about him, about his dating history which had me disgusted because he's bi and she wanted 'statistics' on if he's been more into girls or guys so she can figure out her chances and then asked me to help her out.
She gave me examples of moments that happened on our last trip with me and my brother (dancing/water fights/karaoke/etc) that I could help her recreate with him which is just disturbing because she made my brother and I sound romantic and it just helped multiple my disgust.
When she was done, I told her that she needed to come out of her fantasy and back to reality. She was starting to creep me tf out. I told her that the fact is that my brother isn't shy. If he was interested in her, he would act like it, and him ignoring her speaks volumes.
Besides that, I told her that she knows I don't involve myself in any of my brothers' relationships, and even if I did, I would never allow anyone to use me for insider information.
Then I said that this conversation was over and to never bring it up with me again. She got pissed as told me that I'm 'possessive and acting like a guard dog' to my brothers and that I need to get over myself because there was a spark between them on our last trip.
I just got up, said bye to my friends, and left because she's clearly deluded herself into believing something that doesn't exist. On our last trip, my brother was so into the guy he was seeing at the time that he accidentally called the rest of our brothers by his name multiple times, lol.
Anyway, I've cut her off completely, and with everything that's happening right now, she got scared of traveling and dropped her plans (what she told my friends) It sucks to lose her as a friend since we were close and all that and I don't know how it'll affect the group yet but things happen and I have too much going on to dwell on it right now.
I, on the other hand, moved up my traveling and will hopefully be back in my home country in the next few days along with my family which will allow us to celebrate my Dad and one of my brothers on Father's day so yay (we celebrate on the 21st there).
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Might want to warn your brother about her. Her obsession is creepy at best, and could very well escalate if she continues to spiral into delusions.
Jeez your friend has tipped over into full blown delulu. Warn your brothers and can the open invites to her in the future. Your poor brother.
Good grief. It's important to remove problematic people from our lives. I understand your feeling, I would have been creeped out and disgusted the same way.
Gonna go to a foreign country with pretty much no travel plan to try and hook up with someone who’s barely acknowledged my existence it’s gonna work out great.
That girl seriously thought she was going to be the main character in some summer romance where she turns up out of the blue and the brother would be stunned by her, but in reality she was creepy and he'd never given her a second thought.