My friend keeps inviting herself on my romantic getaways with my boyfriend.
"My friend keeps inviting herself on my romantic getaways with my boyfriend."
I was dating a flight attendant, Steve, who was based near a very touristic city. We had been meeting halfway and traveled to other places together for long weekends. He visited me on his time off as well.
One time I visited him at his hometown and had a great time. I met his friends and liked them a lot and they seemed to like me as well. Like myself, he lived very frugally with a goal to retire in a few years. He had a 2 bedroom condo and rented the guest room on Airbnb for extra income.
When I got back, my friend Savannah calls to see how my trip went. I fill her in on how much I enjoyed his town and friends and that we became much closer during my visit. I only knew Savannah in group situations and never hung out with her long enough to get a sense of her personality. My initial thought was that she was being a supportive friend.
The next night she calls again and tells me she wants to come along with me the next time I see Steve. I tell her no, that we like our privacy. She asks about when the guest room is vacant. I tell her the only time it’s not rented out is when his kids visit.
This is when I learn she doesn’t like taking no for an answer. She calls me a third night and asks if I can ask him to ask his friends if she can stay with them. I tell I feel like that would be a major imposition and that I won’t ask him. I did a reality check with a few coworkers to see if I was off base. They suggested she was out of bounds and not to further the friendship.
She calls me a day or so after asking if she can stay at his friend’s places with a new angle. She starts by asking if Steve plans to visit me soon. I tell her yes and she says I should have a party so our friends can get to know him. I tell her that I might do that but don’t have definitive plans for the visit.
She doubles down and tells me I should think more seriously about a party. I tell her I’ll think about it. Then she tells me that she wants the opportunity to ask him if she can visit him with me and ask him if he can ask his friends if she can stay with them.
I felt she was suggesting that if I don’t ask him privately she will ask him publicly when it would be awkward for him to say no to her. I didn’t talk to her for a year after that. If she hadn’t been in my friend group I would have ended the ‘friendship’.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
“Listen, Savannah, I was trying to be discreet but Steve and I have no plans on leaving the bedroom, if you know what I mean. It’s not the time for a third person.”
Wow, that girl is nuts!
Has she brought it up again after the year of not talking? Or is this just a recount with the conclusion? :) Just wanted to make sure I’m not confusing the timeline!
1961tracy OP:
We have not been friends for a while. She dumped me as a friend because I disagreed with her on a political issue. She was such a kook.
WOW!!! I used to have a roommate that would get really really upset when my boyfriend and I would go to bed. Like, did you want to come? Sleep in between us?
A few possibilities, all bad.
she has a selfish entitlement personality and boundary issues
she’s got a jealous streak & may be trying to sneak in and take your man
has a goal of sabotaging the relationship
all of the above
Best way to handle it:
Tell her NO, firmly, do not sugarcoat it. She isn’t your friend, friends do not do what she is doing. Tell your boyfriend about the situation, casually.
Just in case she’s intelligently crazy & tries to reach out to him on her own to stir problems b/c you said no. Being firm is the only way.
After that, block her.
1961tracy OP:
That was exactly what was going on in my head.
This one is simple. Send her links to hotels and AirBnB places in the area (that she will pay for, of course) and a variety of dates when you two will NOT be there (you don't need to tell her that part). Don't give her numbers of people you might know there. Have fun!
I'm sorry, but I think it's pretty clear that Savannah wants to be the other woman...
She is really not your friend.
Good boundaries might work but let your partner know that she is devious and a user.
Part of me thinks that you should tell her she can come if she covers All of the expenses for both of you. Rides to and from the airport, the plane tickets, the cost of all of the activities you do while you're there, all of it.
Hell, if she's going to stay in guy's spare room, she'll be paying rent matching the cost of a local hotel. Otherwise the answer is "No."
Full stop, no explanations needed.
That's jealousy on parade, that's what that is.