Wife outraged husband plans to attend the funeral she's 'banned' from, asks AITA?
Grief presents itself in many different forms and how we deal with it isn't always purely logical.
There is often so much emotion behind every decision when we are thinking about our loved ones. We can get overwhelmed and sometimes the gravity of the event can be lost in or absorbed by personal emotions or internal controversy.
R3245234 was struggling with the hard reality that she had been specifically uninvited to the funeral of a friend. She then felt betrayed by the fact that her husband was still planning to go. However, the specific facts of this situation aren't that simple. Check out her story below and see if you can determine what your personal feelings would be.
AITA for expecting my husband to stay home after I was excluded from his friend's funeral?
My husband's friend 'Joe' passed away after a long struggle with cancer. I was obviously devastated for his loss; we were good friends but I'm admittedly not on good terms with his widow.
I can't pinpoint what the exact issue is between us. All I can say is that we don't get along.
The biggest blowup I had with her was after I posted health updates about Joe on my personal social media account. I thought this was normal since we have lots of mutual friends but she clearly had an issue with it. She called me names then blocked me.
Now the funeral is going to be in 2 days. I just found out I got excluded by her. My husband is still going, which I honestly found unfair and quite devastating. I didn't wanna miss Joe's funeral, but can't do anything about it now.
I did tell my husband that I expect him to stay home and not go after I got excluded. I was completely caught off guard when he snapped and said that what I was expecting was unfair and whatever 'petty' fight between me and Joe's widow was none of his concern.
I told him that I'm his wife and he should stand by me, especially when I'm being treated like this, but he said it wasn't his problem.
Now we're not speaking because of it. Some mutual friends are siding with me, others think Joe's widow created this situation to begin with. Am I in the wrong here?
It's a very tough question to answer, but folks on the internet seemed to have no problem making up their own minds.
notlucyintheskye took a lot of issue with how the OP justified their argument:
YTA! You said, 'The biggest blowup I had with her was after I posted health updates about Joe on my personal social media account.' I'd be furious too if a non-relative posted health updates about my husband on social media without asking either of us first.
Someone's personal health struggles aren't your issues to use to get clout or sympathy. Then you say, 'I thought this was normal since we have lots of mutual friends.' Then those mutual friends would have no issue contacting Joe's wife to get updates.
You go on to day, 'I just found out I got excluded by her.' The funeral isn't about you. It's about the family and what THEY need, not what you want.
Continued by, 'I did tell my husband that I expect him to stay home and not go after I got excluded.' So, because you can't go and mourn in the way you see fit, now your husband can't go either? Make it make sense.
Finally, you say, 'Others think Joe's widow created this situation to begin with.' She's the one who now has to navigate life without her husband. Her needs come first in this scenario.
Comprehensive-Sea-63 shared their own heart-wrenching experience regarding their personal grief being co-opted:
This reminds me of what happened when one of my good friends died. He was in his early 20s, and I was in the room with his mother while she had to make the decision to take him off life support. I privately informed several acquaintances who knew him and were in the friend group.
Next thing I knew, these two young women who honestly didn’t know him very well started posting these long winded posts on Facebook about how devastated they were because their friend died, getting hundreds of comments of “omg that’s so sad I’m so sorry you lost someone close to you.”
They made his death all about them, never even reached out to the family or mentioned the family, didn’t even go to the funeral, but were so quick to jump all over his death to get attention and sympathy on social media over someone they probably haven’t even thought about since.
I thought it was the tackiest thing I’d ever seen. I was also extremely upset because we were still notifying people and I was horrified at the thought of someone close to him finding out he had died by a random person’s Facebook post (they both tagged his profile).
If it’s not a close family member of yours and if the immediate family of the deceased didn’t ask you to give updates, then it’s not your place to post about it on social media. They may want privacy.
Lummita shares sympathy with the wife but ultimately admits:
First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It must feel really bad to lose someone, plus deal with all this 'drama', not being able to go pay your respects etc. But remember, your husband also lost someone and he has every right to go to the funeral.
The wife is maybe being unreasonable, idk, not enough info to get into that, but please don't create a situation right now! She just lost her husband. Respect at the moment, don't make other friends take sides, don't make this situation even worse than it already is.
This is not some 'Oh I haven't been invited to the party' situation. It's a funeral. Someone is dead. It's sad enough.