"Getting engaged has ruined my relationship."
My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years. He has honestly been the most amazing, wonderful and supportive person in my life. He doesn’t just make me happier, he makes me healthier. He’s been absolutely fantastic in every way imaginable.
About 2 years ago, we had the big marriage talk. We were both honest about what we wanted. He admitted that getting married made him so nervous. He has literally never seen a successful marriage.
Every marriage he’s ever witnessed has either ended in disastrous divorce or very sad premature death. I said I would stay with him whatever he chose but there are some things I wouldn’t do unless we were married.
Just as he’s seen too many marriages fail, I’ve seen too many loved ones be abandoned by men once the kids come along or when he finds a better option. In other words, as long as we weren’t married, no kids and our finances remain strictly untangled from each other.
He proposed to me a few months after that and since then, he’s turned into an absolute nightmare. First, he refuses to do anything wedding related but accuses me of taking over and being a bridezilla when I make decisions without him.
He does things behind my back like inviting our friend who has four kids to bring the children when we agreed the only exception to the no kids rule would be my niece (who will be 3 months old and for obvious reasons can’t be separated from my sister for the weekend).
I can swallow that frustration but he’s also become hyper critical. Any mess around the house, even if he made it, if I haven’t cleaned it up by the time he gets home, he refuses to talk to me. I work from home so I usually do a lot of the chores like the dishwasher in my lunch break but sometimes I don’t have time.
This is a busy time of year and while my job is usually constrained to the 9-5, in the last few weeks I’ve had to work until 8 or 9. When he stormed in last night angry that he had to clean the kitchen and I pointed out I’d been working for 12 hours straight, he looked me in the eyes and said ‘so?’
He’s threatened to throw me out the house and call off the engagement 4 times. He’s stopped initiating s3x. I’ve come to dread the sound of the door unlocking because he can’t go 5 minutes without finding a problem to have with me.
It’s so bad that my mother who was ready to adopt him a year ago is refusing to be the witness that signs our marriage certificate. I’ve asked to call off the wedding, go back to being just girlfriend and boyfriend, but he says he really does want to get married and he’s just doing all of this to make sure he’s “making the right choice.” Increasingly though, all he’s done is convince me I’m making the wrong one.
Edit to add: If it wasn’t clear, I’d already decided not to marry him when I made this post. I’m packing up and going to my mums for now. Im safe and don’t need anyone to call the cops. (Thanks to the person who offered though).
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
JODK1990
Take it from someone who should have left before getting married. You can read my post on my profile too if you like. My husband was bad before we got married and I still married him anyway because he promised he would do better and that he would stop being an ah0le. It didn't get better, it got 10 times worse! I am now secretly planning to leave him and getting all my ducks in a row.
LEAVE now, don't marry him! I wish I'd left my relationship before signing the damn papers. Getting divorced is so much more complicated than just leaving without a legally binding contract! Know your worth and don't take this. I wish you all the best ❤️
Face-palmJedi
You aren’t obligated to do anything. Despite what anyone one says. Do not marry this man. Leave.
ComprehensivePut5569
End the relationship. If he’s being this much of an AH as a fiancé then he’ll be infinitely worse as a husband. You have an opportunity to dodge a bullet - take it!!!!!
Winter_Raisin_591
Why are you asking? This isn't tenable. Him "testing" you with poor treatment is manipulative, abusive, and immature. I don't know what other shoe you're waiting to drop but you need to walk away from this nightmare as a single woman. Not even as boyfriend and girlfriend. The disrespect should be enough for you to not even want to be in that situation.
emileeavi
Hes only marrying her and showing his true colors now because she refused to have a kid with him without marriage. He probably just wanted OP trapped and since the kid without marriage wasnt happening, he decided to propose.
18 days later, the OP returned with an update.
Sorry for the wait folks. I’ve had a lot to do. This has honestly been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m back in with my parents which is… awful. I hate it. I feel like a teenager again.
They’re being very supportive and I’m grateful I had somewhere to go but the house is so damn loud and I forgot what it was like. I’m trying to find an affordable apartment but it’s London so that feels like a bit of a pipe dream.
To top it all off, cancelling a wedding a month before is expensive. Only the celebrant and the photographer have accepted refunds. Every other vendor has been paid in full and that’s money just flushed down the toilet. It’s been exhausting.
Before this, I was in a pretty great financial situation. I had savings and a plan and a house and a financially stable partner. Now I have less than a 10th of my savings, nowhere to live and no real prospect for the future.
It’s not easy processing losing him, not easy at all. I’m still in the part where everything makes me cry and you feel like someone has taken scissors to your soul but I’ve experienced both grief and break ups.
I know this feeling will eventually fade even if it might never completely disappear. When it’s mixed in with the relief of being able to exist without criticism every five minutes, I’m hopeful it will pass sooner rather than later.
But I have no experience for this kind of existential fear of being alone, not having the family I’ve wanted for so long, not knowing what’s next, actually trying to date someone.
When I was little I never knew what I wanted from my career other than that I had one but I always knew I wanted to be a mum. That dream feels like it’s getting further and further away every day.
I have no experience for this burning embarrassment of telling everyone in your life that the wedding they were invited to isn’t happening. It was so painful telling his niece and nephew I wasn’t going to be seeing them again. They cried and clung to me and begged me not to go and they ripped my heart out.
It’s easy on reddit to tell someone to end things but when you’ve built a life together, disentangling it is so bloody difficult. A divorce would be easier because then we’d have a legal framework for all of this. Instead I have to decide if I want to take him to court for the custody of my cat when I don’t have a proper place to house her but she’s my cat.
You might have noticed I’ve avoided really talking about my ex. We’re communicating through our parents. He tried to reach out several times but if I talk to him I know I will do what I always do.
I will buckle and take him back because I love him very very much. I’ve been in therapy (again curtesy of my parents) and my therapist has to keep reminding me to love myself more than I love him. I miss him anyway.
He’s promised to change, promised couples counselling, promised he knows he was wrong. But he also hasn’t said the word ‘sorry’ yet. Such a small word, and yet so telling.
He’s been generally pretty accommodating to me. Expenses have been split 50/50, which is fair but certainly a worse deal for me. He left the house so I could gather my things in peace. I can tell from the state of it this has hit him hard. The cats have been the only sticking point and I understand why. The house is old and creaks. Being there alone isn’t fun.
Neither of us liked it when we were alone and a large part of the reason we got cats was for the company at night when the other was away. I’m sorry if this wasn’t the update you wanted to hear. My mind is all over the place…
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Traditional_Onion461
I’m so sad for you right now but as your counsellor said ‘you need to love yourself more. This time will pass snd you fill find your peace. From your first post you sounded so down trodden and miserable and matters could not have continued the way they were. Good luck to you.
Herr_Doktorr
You might not want to listen to this.But you did the right thing. You understood that you guys are not compatible. Trust me,people spend their entire lives torturing one another before understanding this. You ripped off the bandaid and it will sting for a while.
Then you will move on. If you give in to his demands again,you will be stabbing yourself where he hurt you.Be grateful that you are not already married or have kids and you can get a clean break off him.
SnakeJG
Right choice, still heart breaking.
frankthetankthedog
I know shes got less than 1/10th of her savings but she has saved way more on her mental health. Money can be replaced, your mental health can't.
CheerilyTerrified
"I’ve asked to call off the wedding, go back to being just girlfriend and boyfriend, but he says he really does want to get married and he’s just doing all of this to make sure he’s 'making the right choice.'"
That's what really makes it messed up; it was purposeful. This wasn't something he was doing inadvertently because of stress or cold feet and didn't even see himself doing it, which would still be bad, but could maybe be overcome with therapy.
He did it on purpose. He didn't want to go back to just being in a relationship but have to treat her like a person. He wanted the marriage and treating her badly. It's horrible to go through a break up like that but it's clearly the right choice.