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GF lies to BF about cross country move; turns out she was right next door for over a year. AITA?

GF lies to BF about cross country move; turns out she was right next door for over a year. AITA?

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"Gf has been living a lie for a year."

mushank3r

My girlfriend and I have somewhat of an age gap relationship. We met when she was 19 and I was late 20s. She set her sights on me and pursued me. We saw each other on and off when she was home from college and we developed a sort of part time relationship.

Because of the age difference, I was always careful not to let things go too far because I wasn’t sure how it would work out and admittedly I kept her at arms length for a couple years and she told me she felt in limbo for those years and I honestly feel guilty about that now.

Anyway, she matured a lot through college and I helped her through some tough social problems and our relationship grew and grew until recently, about halfway through her senior year, I finally wised up and realized I didn’t want to lose her.

I told her I wanted to be with her long term. She was relieved and happy and, while it’s tough to be separated geographically, things have been overall great. We both met on the east coast.

Her junior year she transferred to a prestigious school in California and I was very proud of her and I began telling all my friends and later my family what kind of genius I was seeing. I will admit it was a point of pride.

Fast forward to this past winter when we finally had a talk establishing our relationship and when we began speaking more frequently; it’s been nightly FaceTimes telling each other how much we miss one another.

It was difficult having finally entered into a full fledged relationship but being 3,000 miles away. Well things went this way until last night when she abruptly told me she hadn’t been honest with me.

I thought maybe there was someone else and I was prepared for that bc she is in college after all. But no, she tells me that she has been going to a different college not more than an hour away from me for the last full year!

The motive behind this was that back when she transferred out due to tuition cost, she was unsure if we were going to continue our relationship and she felt embarrassed and thought I would think less of her for leaving such a prestigious school.

She wanted me to think she was impressive and be proud of her. She said that each detail about her life and all her social relationships and all the stories she’d told me about school all really happened they just happened an hour away from me and not across the country.

This was an insane revelation for me. I started thinking back to every conversation we’ve ever had and realizing that she had been careful about telling me things about her life at school by replacing the school name with the other and she had to omit certain things to not give away her lie.

She acted surprised about the weather for example when I told her about a late winter storm I’d had - assuming she wouldn’t have experienced the same thing - what I didn’t know is we were living through the same storm because we were practically neighbors.

I realized she’d lied about traveling, texting me that she’d boarded an imaginary plane when she was supposedly traveling back across the country. She’d lied about what time she woke up and went to sleep so as to maintain the idea we were in different time zones.

I don’t care for a second about what school she’s at, I care that she was capable of fabricating this elaborate rouse. If someone had asked me about her and where she was in the world I would have answered with as much certainty as the sky is blue.

To have my very conception of reality blown apart like that is melting my mind. She’s been down the road the entire time. For a year. The walls of her apartment I’ve been looking at behind her on our FaceTime calls are not where I had always imagined them to be. I’m just blown away.

But the details she had to lie about to maintain the facade are what are eating at me the most. I asked for her mailing address multiple times and it’s no wonder I never got it.

She joined a team and promised to send me pictures of her new uniform and never did obviously bc that would have ruined the lie. All the minutia required to maintain it is what is bothering me the most, she had to dodge things and omit things and often straight up lie about things - I assume sometimes on the fly.

The realization that she’s capable of that is a profoundly upsetting realization. I don’t know what to do. She feels absolutely terrible and she’s been crying and I don’t want to just beat her up about it anymore bc there’s no point. I still love her but I feel betrayed and made a fool. I don’t know what to do.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

p810_

Unfortunately, your trust for her has been blown to smithereens. While your feelings for her may still exist, the likelihood that your relationship can survive such a harsh blow to the foundation is pretty unlikely. Especially since she's still quite young.

My personal recommendation is to be honest that this is a deal-breaker in terms of pursuing a longterm relationship. But, if you want to brave the storm, I might recommend couple's therapy and lots of firm boundaries to be set for your future.

If you are willing to jump through the hundreds of hoops necessary to maintain this relationship, just be honest with yourself about the amount of work it will take. If not, start the grieving process. All love. xo

Exotic_Tear7927

This is kind of a wild story. If she was happy with you and you guys just started dating, wouldn’t it be awesome that you guys were so close and could see each other? And the different time zone thing sounds weird, sounds like she likes you but can’t commit.

The OP responded here:

mushank3r

That’s the thing is she’s fully committed, she was committed before I was. But she made the decision to begin this lie back before I was committed so as to be more impressive to me I guess and instead of coming clean ages ago she let it snowball.

therealCatnuts

OP dates a teenager as a grown adult, is shocked when she does a stupid teenager thing for no good reason. It’s quite likely this is just a really dumb plan she had that snowballed out of control.

And the OP doesn’t understand how that happens to dumb teenage kids because that was decade ago for him. What a dumb sitcom-ish misunderstanding/lie, and what a good reason to follow “half your age plus seven” guidelines.

unzunzhepp

Eh, she’s going to cry and you’re going to forgive her. You’ll make the biggest mistake of your life. How can you ever trust her again, when all she has said and done the last year has been with the purpose to deceive you.

What makes this the only thing, the first thing or even the last? Is she even 19? How could you know? Crazy manipulative. She sounds like someone who could boil someone’s pet for daring to sit beside you on the bus. Also, the total lack of faith and trust in you to come up with this lie, is very insulting.

Annual_Version_6250

You admit the school she went to was a point of pride and you bragged about it. So it DID matter to you and I'm sure she picked up on it. Not saying her lying was right just saying I can maybe see why she did.

rureallygonna

She’s really young and you guys were a mess from day one. Age gaps are fine but you were almost 30 and she was still a teenager. I’m not judging, you were both adults and that’s your business. But the maturity levels are worlds apart. Lack of commitment for a couple of years, on and off… none of this is a great start.

She lied. A lot. You’re the only one here that can determine if this was an immature panic wanting to save face thing or a fatal character flaw that will continue to cause problems. My instinct is to tell you to give her the benefit of the doubt but it’s really about what your instincts are telling you beyond just being upset she lied.

If you continue this relationship, couples counseling would be ideal. Communication and her feeling secure with you and you rebuilding trust with her are all things that need to be worked on and having a third party to help with that will make that easier. Most of us just sweep everything under the rug but it’s not healthy and won’t help long term.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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