Me (m26) and gf (f21) have been together for around two years. We were at a party with my family when my girlfriend's mother called her to let her know that her dad had passed away.
A little backstory: She has not seen her dad in about 3 years after cutting contact with him. He had some bad traits, but had been a good parent a lot of the time (at least from my point of view) but had gone periods of her life where she couldn’t get a hold of him or he had been mentally abusive.
Okay, so we were at a family party and I had been drinking, so I would say I was a little bit past the point of tipsy, but not drunk. My gf didn’t drink. Pretty late in the evening, her mother called her to tell her what happened. She immediately broke down crying and I went to get my mom to help her, since I was getting overwhelmed.
She called for a taxi so we could go home. I didn’t really want to leave, but understand that I had to go with her. As my gf was gathering her stuff and walking to the taxi, I went back to where I was sitting earlier and finished my drink, maybe a bit over half a glass, and went to the taxi.
During the ride home, the drink started kicking in and I “apparently” became very ridiculous (I didn’t tell my gf that I had I just chugged my drink) but I could tell that she was getting upset and didn’t want me close. I assumed it was because of her dad just passing away.
When we got home, her roommate was up and we were all talking about what had happened. I was still very inebriated and struggled to keep up with the conversation and every time I tried to partake, my gf got really mad.
She was venting about her dad and going between crying, laughing, relief and crying again. This made me really upset because that’s no way of honoring a man’s life?!
I started crying and saying how disappointed I was in her, which led to her and her roommate asking me how drunk I was, saying that I was an ahole and so on… She also commented on the fact that I didn’t seem that drunk at the party, and I admitted to finishing my drink as she was leaving.
She didn’t say anything else after that and just went to bed. We haven’t really talked since and I am giving her some space to plan her dad's funeral. I didn’t think finishing a drink would be that big of a deal?
This has absolutely nothing to do with you finishing a drink, and absolutely everything to do with you not making her a priority at all. She just lost her parent, and is probably struggling with many different emotions.
He may not have been the best father, but she probably wants to remember the good times, too. You also do not get to dictate how someone grieves or remembers the fallen. YTA. A presumptuous, self-absorbed one.
YTA. I think you're missing the point if you think this is all about the drink. Even if someone has cut contact with a terrible parent, the death of that parent can still be incredibly difficult. My husband is no contact with either of his parents and I can't even imagine behaving like this if he found out either of them died.
At the point at which your girlfriend discovered her father was dead, you 'didn't really want to leave' and 'went back to where I was sitting earlier and finished my drink'. You showed your girlfriend that you're not going to be dependable in a worst-case scenario, that you're not even going to stop and think that being as sober as possible is important for helping someone in such a deep state of early grieving.
You say you 'apparently became very drunk', but in your own post you acknowledge that you were already beyond tipsy. You then got upset because that's 'no way of honoring a man's life'...what the hell? A lot of people go between crying and laughing when grieving, that's not rare, it's a human form of coping.
You then started crying and told her you were disappointed in her? Her dad died. You made it all about you. You are absolutely the ahole here. Who has the audacity to chastise someone who just found out their parent died for the way they grieve?
Perfect answer. Hope OP can learn from this insight.
YTA this poor girl. She loses her father after being negatively affected by his addiction and her boyfriend decides the best plan of action is to…Get drunk and then lash out at her.
Not to mention you “really didn’t want to leave” a party after she found out she lost a parent? If this is real I’m horrified by your lack of empathy and self-awareness. You’re incredibly selfish and she’s not going to forget how you acted in her time of need.
YTA. You didn’t just finish your drink, you also admitted to not wanting to leave but “had to”. Your priorities are repulsive. Why didn’t you want to leave and take care of your girlfriend? That’s the bare minimum.
Rather than walking with your upset girlfriend to the taxi, you went back to your drink. Again, your priorities are repulsive. You also said you couldn’t cope with her crying, so you had to get your mum?! Seriously?
And after all that, you judge her grief as she naturally flicked between laughing, relief, and crying some more. You’re an ahole. A massive unsupportive, selfish asshole. Give your head a wobble and sort yourself out.
ETA: You’re not “giving her space to plan her dads funeral”, you’re giving her ‘space’ (read: avoiding her) because you don’t think it’s a big deal and it’s easier to leave her to grieve alone that be a decent boyfriend. Shameful.