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Woman tells boyfriend he should just date his 'toxic' mother instead. AITA?

Woman tells boyfriend he should just date his 'toxic' mother instead. AITA?


"AITA for telling my boyfriend if he chooses his mother in life he better choose her in death too?"


I (30)F and (36) M have been dating for 8 years. For context; he was raised by a single mother (70 and healthy) of 7 kids. Who doesn’t like any of her children’s partners. My partner is the youngest. My boyfriend and I often spoken about the impact the absences of his father had on him. He told me he wants to be around to raise his future kids.

I was raised in a two-parent household and I wanted the same for our future kids. We had many discussions and were on the same page about everything. We agreed that we would live together in 4 years (2019).

In 2019, he purchased a building with 5 units. His brother and his family live in one (wife & 3 kids), my boyfriend and his mother live in one and he rents out the other 3. When my boyfriend bought his building he told me he wanted to give his mother a unit and for me to move in with him.

I told him that was very sweet and was onboard with it. He said he wanted two years to fix up her unit then she would move out and I would move in (2021). I already own a home so the plan was always to move in with him and rent out my house.

Two years ago I got pregnant (2021) and this made his mother upset. She wished death on the baby and said that she wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. She made it very clear that she was never going to move out. She told me she is the Queen of the house and I would be the Queen when she dies.

I was furious and asked how she could say such hateful things. My boyfriend spoke to her and they had an argument. He told me he would not force her to move out. I reminded him that his plan was to always put her in her own unit which is in the same building. He said she was not interested.

I suggested that he move in with me and he said he did not want to live in my city. He said that I should just move in with them. I refused. Why would I want to live with someone who doesn’t like me?

I asked why he wanted to raise his daughter in a broken home. His mother told me I better get used to being a single mother. She said I only have one so it won’t be that difficult.

I live in a different city from my boyfriend. We live an hour apart. When our daughter was born, he spent the first 4 weeks at my house. Every day he would go home to do something for his mother. This really annoyed me, his mother does not have any ailments and is able to do things for herself.

I suggested that he ask his brother to do whatever needs to be done. He told me it wouldn’t be possible as his brother is very busy with his family. When I asked him why he had to go home every day he said his mother needed him because she was feeling lonely. I asked him when he thinks he will cut the umbilical cord. This struck a nerve.

His mother got sick and I nursed her back to health. I thought this was the turning point for us. However once she got better she became even more hateful towards me. She told me she doesn’t like me and never will. I asked her if I did something to her. She told me I hadn’t done anything and she just doesn’t like me.

I spoke to my boyfriend about it and he told me she never likes anyone he dates.He told me all of his past relationships have ended because of his mother. She was mean to all of his past partners and basically ran them away.

He knows he needs to set more boundaries. He says he feels guilty because she was a single mom who took care of him so now it is his turn to take care of her. I told him that he should prioritize the family that we are building. I asked him when he thinks he will be ready to live his life and he said when she dies.

I told him since he is choosing his mother over his family, remember to choose her in death as well. I will not wait for his mother to die to live my life. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:


Your boyfriend has made it clear that you (or any other potential partner) will be second to his mother until she is dead. You have 2 choices:

1. Accept these terms and continue on with him but recognizing you will always come behind his mother for his time & attention.

2. Refuse these terms and break up with him. Obviously, you would want to do your best to co-parent with him, but move on with regard to any further romantic attachment.

It’s a crummy position and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.


If she tries the second route, she should be wary about letting the baby go to his house, or anywhere near his mother.


NTA. I am absolutely SHOCKED you went through an entire pregnancy and nothing changed. He couldn't have freed up a unit for you and the baby? If he didn't make a single accommodation for his family at that point, he never will. The dude is f'ed up.

The OP responded here:


He absolutely could have and he chose not to. My daughter deserves better and so do I. Thank you for your insight.


Tell him he's just like his father and your daughter will grow up without a stable family just like he did. Don't wait around until his mother dies. You deserve a man who will put you and your daughter first. Sadly that is not him. Make a clean break set up child support and co parenting arrangements. Move on from this mummy's boy.


So wait a minute! He’s doing all he can for her because she was a “single mother” but then leaves you every time she’s “lonely” which in point makes you basically a single mother? I mean where do ppl come up with this lol… I’d tell him boy bye he will forever be single with this woman running his life.


I think I know why your boyfriend's dad ran away.

So, do you think the OP is overreacting or is her boyfriend's relationship his mother completely unhealthy? If you could give the OP any advice, what would you say?

Sources: Reddit
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