'My GF's 'conventionally attractive' friend did a 'loyalty test' on me.' UPDATED
"My 25M girlfriend’s 24F 'conventionally attractive' friend 23F did a 'loyalty test' on me. I'm not sure how to continue with our relationship."
I 25M have been dating “Becca” 24F for six months now. Everything was going great until her birthday two months ago. Up until then, I’d met a couple of her friends but just one or two at a time. This was the first time meeting a lot of her friends, and the first time I’d be hanging out with them all in a big group. We had what I thought was a great night until that night when I took Becca home.
Becca asked me what I thought of her friend “Sadie” 23F. I’d exchanged maybe two sentences with Sadie, so I just said that she seemed cool. Becca then asked me if I thought Sadie was pretty, to which I responded she was, but not nearly as pretty as Becca.
I thought that was a safe answer because I didn’t want to say her friend WASN’T pretty, but I also wanted her to know that I only had eyes for her. But Becca was like, “So you DO think she’s pretty. I KNEW it. Pretty AND cool!” I didn’t think much of this because Becca was quite intoxicated, so I just brought her some gatorade and helped her get into bed.
I figured Becca wouldn’t remember this interaction the next morning, but she called me and apologized. She explained that Sadie was “conventionally attractive” and had a history of taking men that Becca wanted, and she didn’t want that to happen to me. I assured her that wouldn’t happen.
I told her the honest truth, which was that with all the new faces I was seeing, I hardly remembered what Sadie looked like. I told her too that if Sadie kept going after men she knew Becca wanted, she should consider distancing herself from Sadie.
Again, I thought that would be the end, but for the past two months, Sadie has somehow come up in every conversation. Did I follow Sadie’s instagram? Had I talked to Sadie since the party? Even when I give her a compliment, she brings up Sadie.
Just last week she got a new pair of jeans and I told her how great her butt looked in them and she went on this tirade about how she had to spend so much money just to get a pair of jeans that looked “decent” on her while Sadie looked like a “supermodel” in Walmart jeans.
I’m not THAT dumb. I know that Becca has complex underlying issues and that the Sadie fixation is just a manifestation of those issues. I don’t want to invalidate her, but I get the sense that Sadie is not a problem so much as Becca’s insecurities.
I’m like a broken record with how often I remind her that she’s hot and smart, that she has a great life, a great job, and a great guy (if I do say so myself lol) and there’s no reason for her to compare herself to Sadie or anyone else.
That Walmart jeans are trash but I’m sure she would look good in them if she really wanted some. I’ve suggested therapy, which she says is "a waste." It just seems like nothing I do helps. And I know it’s her issue and not mine, but it’s starting to drain me too.
The breaking point came a couple nights when I got an Instagram DM request from Sadie saying she thought I was cute and asking if I wanted to hangout sometime. This was followed by a series of DMs basically saying she knew I was with Becca but she thought I could do better, and if I gave her a chance she could “show me what I was missing.” Without responding, I took a screenshot and immediately blocked her.
Then yesterday I showed Becca the screenshot. I fully expected Becca to crash out, but instead she kissed me and told me she KNEW she could trust me. I was confused and she explained that she had Sadie DM me to prove my loyalty to her.
Apparently it is a common thing for women to do, especially if they have a “conventionally attractive” friend who “could probably steal anyone’s man.” I was completely dumbfounded. I thought people only did this stuff in movies, not in real life.
I asked Becca if all the anxiety over Sadie was real, or if she had faked that too. She said it WAS real, but now that she knows I’m loyal to her she’s not worried anymore. She tried to kiss me again but I pulled away. This might have solved all of her problems, but it created a whole new set of problems for me. I gave her no reason to doubt my loyalty. I never even looked twice at Sadie.
I did everything I could to show her how much I cared about her, but it took this fake DM for her to trust me. What if she made another “hot” friend? Or what if she thought one of my co-workers was “conventionally attractive.” Would we have to do this all over again?
I told her I needed some space. Becca doesn’t understand why I’ve been distant since yesterday. She seems to think everything is resolved since I “proved my loyalty,” but ironically I think this may be the breaking point for me in the relationship. I really like Becca, but I can’t be with someone who has zero faith in me.
If I’m going to stay in a relationship with her, I need to communicate to her how deeply this affected me, and make sure that she knows not to do this again. How can I do this without invalidating her feelings and making her turn against me?
TLDR; My girlfriend has been fixating on her friend who she thinks it much more attractive than she is. I have no interest in this friend, but she had her friend send me suggestive DMs as a "loyalty test." This is making me question our relationship, and I need to effectively communicate to her that she hurt me without making her upset.
Let's see what readers had to say.
You can tell her that while you may have passed her “loyalty test,” she failed your “don’t play stupid mind games with your partner test.”
Your GF needs professional help - I'd be out of there.
“Remember how you said therapy was a waste? I strongly disagree. In fact, I can’t see a way for us to move forward without it, and even then I can’t promise I’ll be able to get past you thinking this was a good and appropriate way to deal with your insecurities.”
She can feel whatever feelings she wants. You don’t need to validate or coddle them. And if she still refuses to admit she’s done anything wrong, then don’t waste any further time trying to explain to her; just move on.
This is CRAZY. She tried to trick you and trap you. You sound like a good guy. She definitely needs to get therapy and I would end the relationship right here and now as this will only get worse over time for her. The fact she doesn’t recognise what she did was wrong is a massive red flag.
A few days later, OP shared this update:
A lot of you have been asking for an update so here’s what happened the past few days. I read most of the comments and a lot of people were telling me to drop her, ghost her. Some of you even told me to fuck Sadie. To be truthful I was not planning on doing either of those things.
Some of you were calling me spineless and saying I had no self respect, but Becca had so many redeeming qualities despite the stupid test. I thought she was one of the kindest, smartest, most beautiful, driven people I knew and even though we’ve only been dating for six months, she’d been there for me in ways none of my previous partners have.
If there were other red flags, I would’ve just ended it, but there were none, until yesterday. After a couple days of minimal communication, Becca asked if we could meet up to talk. I had thought out how best to say I understood her anxiety but that her behavior wasn’t acceptable, but I wound up not having to say anything because she apologized.
She told me a lot of things about herself and that she knew what she did was wrong but also hoped I’d understand why she acted that way. It was the first time she’d gotten candid with me about this. For her privacy I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say she’s been through a lot and more than explains (but not excuses) her behavior. She even showed me she had booked an appointment with a therapist.
I was ready to put this past us, but she let it slip that the account that DMed me was not actually Sadie but a bot account she made to impersonate Sadie, and that Sadie had no idea those DMs were sent. This was so appalling to me that I ended things on the spot. I can handle anxiety and other mental health issues but to impersonate someone online is something I can’t move past.
Becca tried calling me and texting me a couple of times afterwards but she’s stopped. Even through her delusion I think she knows it’s over. Genuinely I wish the best for her. She has some great qualities but she is seriously messed up in so many ways. I hope she gets the help she needs, but I can’t help her anymore.