'My GF's obsession with my ex has spiraled out of control.' UPDATED 3X
"My [26M] girlfriend [26F] of 1.5 years won’t stop comparing herself to an old friend/fling of mine, and it is really pushing me away."
Melissa and I have been dating for a little less than 2 years. It’s been an amazing relationship, admittedly my only one but I am really happy with her. We are both in PhD programs at the same university (it’s where we met), but in different STEM fields.
We’ve been considering moving in together, getting pets and over all I’d say our relationship is pretty serious and she has even mentioned getting married before. I can definitely see a future with her but It’s still a bit early for me, and right now I’d like to focus on my research and securing a future that can support both of us.
She took that kind of harshly, but I just wasn’t ready to commit to something like that yet. That was the only bump we’ve had until Natalya entered the picture again.
Some background info: Natalya and I went to the same college for undergrad. She studies the same branch of biology that my current gf studies and is a year younger than I am. We were in the same science-related clubs and a professional fraternity together and quickly became very close friends, as Natalya and I had extremely similar personalities and interests.
We spent weekends together, were each others dates to all formal events, but we never dated even though we both liked each other and slept with each other. We were just too scared to ask the other what they wanted. It sounds silly and immature but that’s just what happened. We were essentially FWB for 2 years, but we always knew that we had very different plans for the immediate future.
I was graduating before her and she was going to move to another country to work and do research before coming back to the States for her PhD. It was kind of an unspoken recognition that when I graduated, we were going to go our separate way, but we always joked that maybe we would run into each other again since we had the same dream school for grad school.
We tried to remain in contact when I left but it was just too hard on both of us. We missed each other but were busy with our own lives and eventually stopped talking. No hard feelings. It happens. We moved on. That was almost 5 years ago. Before Melissa, I used to wonder if Natalya and I could have made it together, but now that I have a girlfriend that hasn’t popped into my head at all.
I am happy now, or at least I was. Last year Natalya was accepted into the PhD program at my university. It’s the same dream school we talked about years ago. I didn’t know this until a little over half a year ago. One day, my girlfriend came over because she was really upset.
I will spare most of the details but basically a professor in her department had told her that he had room for one more grad student to join him on one of his research trips to South America the following summer.
My girlfriend really thought he was going to pick her because they had a pretty good relationship, but he had met with her and told her that there was a new grad student that already had experience with this particular species, worked with the South American university he was collaborating with, and spoke Spanish.
She was denied the position and I tried to explain to her that some people just have different expertise. Over the next month, she would tell me more and more about this new grad student and how everyone who met her practically fell in love with herr or found her extremely interesting, that she was super cool, fawned over her etc etc.
It made my girlfriend extremely sad because she has always had issues with insecurity and feeling like she has to try extra hard for people to think she’s worth anything. I tried to tell my gf that she is great at what she does and to stop comparing herself to other people because it just makes her upset but she said
"No _____. You haven’t seen her yet. She’s extremely smart, she’s been all over the world, she’s a literal 10. Natalya is utter perfection.” I kind of froze at that moment because somehow I immediately knew this was my friend. I kept trying to tell my gf all the ways I admired her but I realized it wasn’t helping so all I would do was listen to her and be someone she could vent to.
I admit I was curious, but I didn’t want to complicate things for Melissa so I didn’t try to contact Natalya or find out if it was even her. A few weeks later, however, I ran into her at a Café on campus. It was really great to see her again. We sat with each other for about an hour and half, just catching up with one another. I told her about my research and she told me about hers.
She had accomplished so much for herself in the few years since I had seen her last and I was so happy for her. I told her I had a girlfriend who was in the same department as she was and she asked if we could all hangout sometime since she was still new to the town. Natalya seemed really excited and not at all disappointed. We exchanged numbers and parted ways.
It felt evident to me that we had moved on. What ever romantic feelings we had for each other were purely platonic now. We were both doing very well and genuinely happy. That night I told my girlfriend that I ran into Natalya and she was actually a really good friend of mine from college. I knew my girlfriend felt really insecure at work and in the lab and I did not want her to feel threatened within our relationship.
I suggested we all have lunch sometime so she can meet her because I actually thought they could get along. GF was kind of taken aback and immediately started asking me if I ever liked Natalya, if she was my ex and if we dated. I said No, we never dated we were only friends but I did like her a lot. I reminded her that this was 4 years ago and that I have not thought about her at all since I started dating GF.
GF left the house for the night because she said she was really stressed and didn’t want to think about It right now. I felt like I had done something wrong and decided I wouldn’t mention Natalya again.
Ever since that night GF would ask me really strange questions like if I thought she was “smart enough.” Of course I think she’s smart. The university we are at is one of the best in the nation. She then said, “well you and Natalya went to XX Ivy league university for undergrad and I went to XX state university so she’s clearly beat me both time.” I was appalled and told her there is no competition.
I am with YOU. It doesn’t matter where you went to undergrad look at where you are NOW. She just wouldn’t stop talking about how much more experience Natalya has and how much better her resume probably looks. She would ask me this multiple times and it really upsets me to see how much she works herself up over these things. What’s worse is when she compares her looks to Natalya’s!
Lately Melissa will not stop complaining about how pale she is, how easily she sun burns, how short her hair is, how nothing fits her well. She says, “ I wonder how Natalya stays so skinny, I wish I was mixed like Natalya. Natalya is so exotic looking.” I always tell her how beautiful she looks, how attractive I find her. Melissa is beautiful. I love everything about her even though she doesn’t.
I would never say this to Melissa (it’s even difficult to write) even though Melissa has said it to me but Natalya is definitely more “conventionally attractive” woman in terms of arbitrary Societal beauty standards but that doesn’t matter to me! I don’t love my gf just because of her looks, but it’s so difficult to convince someone that you find them attractive when they want to jump out of their own skin.
I have caught Melissa stalking Natalya’s facebook profile, Instagram, lab page. It’s ridiculous. I can’t understand why she does it when it gets her so upset. Melissa isn't fat at all, but lately she has been rejecting me when I try to initiate intimacy because she "feels fat" or "not sexy enough" and i think this is due to the aformentioned insecurities.
I try to talk her through them but it always ends with the same conclusion and she says "I'm sorry I'm not goof enough." I only talk to Natalya in the Café. We have lunch together maybe twice a week, but we never plan it. I have always ate lunch at the same time at the same place and Natalya will come in every few days and when she does we sit together for about an hour and talk.
Occasionaly she will text me before lunch asking if I’m there or planning on going there and that’s the only time we text or talk outside of the Café. I feel like this is an appropriate amount of communication for two friends. I feel bad for never being able to hangout with her but I know it would upset Melissa. There have been a few times when Melissa has joined me in the café and Natalya has sat with us.
Honestly, Melissa is straight up rude to her. At first I think she tried to be nice but just got to upset. She either remains silent or responds with really short cold answers. It makes me really sad because I know Melissa is struggling with insecurities but Natalya is a really good friend of mine who has only been nice to me.
She has invited me and Melissa out numerous times and each time Melissa declines. I once told her I was going to attend a comedy show with Natalya (it was a comedian I once took Natalya to see in college) and Melissa broke down so I decided I wouldn’t ever go anywhere with Natalya unless Melissa was there too.
Some of you might say," why don't you just stop talking to Natalya? Is she more important than your relationship with Melissa?" I don't really know what to do. I see Natalya for two hours a week and we don't hangout or even talk outside of that. I have given Melissa no reason to think I am cheating or being unfaithful.
Natalya has only ever been a good friend to me and I shouldn't have to cut her out of my life when she already plays such a little role. It feels kind of unfair to me because honestly, sometimes I wish I could see Natalya more because she's a really wonderful, interesting person, but Melissa is definitely a priority in my life, so I have kept our friendship very casual and minimal.
I think there is a bigger problem in that Melissa is not the same person I entered a relationship with. She's sad, always stressed, much more cranky and snappy with me. Her insecurities make her shy away and retreat into herself so it feels like I can never reach her anymore.
She has been denying me intimacy and complaining about how she isn't "good enough" for me and it has honestly been pushing me away from her. I find that I no longer want to deal with her insecurities and constantly validating that I love her. I have suggested therapy before because I think the real problem is not Natalya but Melissa's underlying insecurities.
This is not normal and it causes her so much unnecessary stress. Melissa always says," okay I will think about it," and when I bring it up again she gets really defensive, asking me why I think something is wrong with her. I don't!
I just think a professional would be able to help her work through her own thoughts better so that she can accept herself more because clearly, what I am saying to her doesn't get through. It's hard see her so unhappy.
EDIT: Because someone asked, I should have clarified that I also told Melissa that Natalya and I slept with each other in college. I didn't hide that from her. I can see why that would upset her but I really tried to stress how long ago it was and how I was happy with Melissa now and the past does not affect anything about how I feel now.
TL;DR My GF Melissa has a bordeline obsession with my old FWB Natalya. She won't stop comparing herself to Natalya and it has been making her stressed, insecure, and depressed. No matter what I tell her, she claim she isn't good enough for me and it has been making me feel less atttracted to her. She refuses to go to therapy and I feel like this is only going to take a bigger toll on her life. How can I help her?
Any advice? This is what top commenters had to say:
Nichard said:
Why do you want to spend time with your ex/fwb that you hadn't seen or had contact with for a number of years? And the comedian you were going to see with her was one you had already seen back in college so that's a memory you created together that would be relived.
I just think you're thinking it's not much of a big deal but I know if my husband was texting his ex and having lunch with her twice a week I would be less than impressed.
OP responded:
Yeah, as someone previously pointed out, I never considered Natalya an "ex" since we had never established anything beside just being friends. Melissa is my first GF and I am very very ignorant when it comes to what is considered a relationship or not.
I think that was a big part of why it was so hard for me to realize why having lunch with her was such a big deal until people started pointing out that Natalya wasn't just a "friend." I am very naive, sorry :(
And sgbenoit said:
You keep talking about how unimportant Natalya is to you romantically but you take her on de facto dates. So which is it?
A few weeks later, he shared this first update:
Alright so I posted here a few weeks ago concerning my GF Melissa and my ex-FWB from college, Natalya. The jist of the story was that Melissa kept comparing herself to Natalya who is a grad student in her field of biology who she feels is basically the epitome of perfection.
It got to the point where Melissa would spend hours staring at pics of Natalya and everytime I tried to be intimate with her she would shut me down saying she “wasn’t good enough.”
I got a lot of sh*t in the last post because Natalya and I ate lunch together a few times a week but as a lot of commenters suggested, I eat at a different place now and no longer see Natalya. I think Natalya took the hint and we haven't spoken since I posted that.
Anyway, I’m posting now because I feel Melissa’s obsession with Natalya hasn’t gotten better at all and she did something that I’m not sure I consider forgivable. When I graduated from college, my mom made me a photo album of pics with me and all my friends doing whatever it is college students do.
It means a lot to me, because I rarely see my old friends and unfortunately, one of them passed away so these are physical representations of cherished memories. Yesterday afternoon, I received a Facebook message from my late-friend Dan’s mother. She asked me If I had any pics of Dan from our fraternity events (we were in the same Professional Fraternity).
I said of course and that I would scan them and send them over to her. I looked through my album and was suddenly shocked to find a few pictures in which Natalya was cut out of the photo. Some were just of me and her, some were of a group of friends.
After flipping a few more pages I saw one that broke my heart, It was a picture of Natalya, Dan, and a few other friends during one of our formals as we were all in the same fraternity. I kept searching through and found that this was the case for maybe 12 pictures, 3 including Dan.
It felt like I had swallowed a pound of rocks and I honestly just felt so angry. I knew it had to be Melissa as I would never have done this. I sent the uncut pics to Dan’s mom and texted Melissa, asking her if she was still on campus so we could meet.
When I saw her, I asked her why she cut my photos and she said,” what are you talking about?” but I could tell from her face, she knew she was caught. I was so furious. I told her that it was extremely disrespectful and that she had no right to destroy them the way she did. I even mentioned that some of the pictures she cut were taken with my friend who had passed away and now she had ruined them.
She immediately started crying and apologizing, saying she didn’t know what came over her. She said she STILL has the pictures of Natalya and that she can put them back together! I felt like I was going to explode so I just excused myself and left.
Melissa has been blowing up my phone but I haven’t read any of the messages or listened to the voicemails. I feel so drained. I got a lot of shit on my last post so I bet a lot of you will think I had this coming. I know I can’t convince you of how hard I’ve tried to make Melissa feel like she’s the only girl I wanted to be with.
No matter how many times she has asked me if she’s pretty, if I find her sexy, if I think she is smart, I always tell her how amazing I find her but it just isn’t enough. Maybe I should have never ever spoken to Natalya when I found out she was attending the same University as me, but I don’t think that gives my gf (ex-gf?) the right to destroy my property.
The album has literally sat on my shelf for years. It’s not like I look at it everyday and fawn over my ex. I have never even shown it to Melissa so she must have been snooping through my belongings which honestly I wouldn’t even care about if she hadn’t destroyed the pictures of my dead friend because of her petty jealousy.
I just feel exhausted. I feel like I’ll never make Melissa happy. I could have done things differently, sure, but I feel like she never tried to work on her insecurities and confidence in herself either.
TL;DR: My gf cut my ex-FWB out of photos in my album and I feel like this is a huge over-step of boundaries. Some of the pictures she destroyed were of my friend that passed away and I don’t think I can forgive her.
Ten months later, he shared this update:
Alright so I posted here a few weeks ago concerning my GF Melissa and my ex-FWB from college, Natalya. The jist of the story was that Melissa kept comparing herself to Natalya who is a grad student in her field of biology who she feels is basically the epitome of perfection.
It got to the point where Melissa would spend hours staring at pics of Natalya and everytime I tried to be intimate with her she would shut me down saying she “wasn’t good enough.”
I got a lot of sh*t in the last post because Natalya and I ate lunch together a few times a week but as a lot of commenters suggested, I eat at a different place now and no longer see Natalya. I think Natalya took the hint and we haven't spoken since I posted that.
Anyway, I’m posting now because I feel Melissa’s obsession with Natalya hasn’t gotten better at all and she did something that I’m not sure I consider forgivable. When I graduated from college, my mom made me a photo album of pics with me and all my friends doing whatever it is college students do.
It means a lot to me, because I rarely see my old friends and unfortunately, one of them passed away so these are physical representations of cherished memories. Yesterday afternoon, I received a Facebook message from my late-friend Dan’s mother. She asked me If I had any pics of Dan from our fraternity events (we were in the same Professional Fraternity).
I said of course and that I would scan them and send them over to her. I looked through my album and was suddenly shocked to find a few pictures in which Natalya was cut out of the photo. Some were just of me and her, some were of a group of friends.
After flipping a few more pages I saw one that broke my heart, It was a picture of Natalya, Dan, and a few other friends during one of our formals as we were all in the same fraternity. I kept searching through and found that this was the case for maybe 12 pictures, 3 including Dan.
It felt like I had swallowed a pound of rocks and I honestly just felt so angry. I knew it had to be Melissa as I would never have done this. I sent the uncut pics to Dan’s mom and texted Melissa, asking her if she was still on campus so we could meet.
When I saw her, I asked her why she cut my photos and she said,” what are you talking about?” but I could tell from her face, she knew she was caught. I was so furious. I told her that it was extremely disrespectful and that she had no right to destroy them the way she did. I even mentioned that some of the pictures she cut were taken with my friend who had passed away and now she had ruined them.
She immediately started crying and apologizing, saying she didn’t know what came over her. She said she STILL has the pictures of Natalya and that she can put them back together! I felt like I was going to explode so I just excused myself and left.
Melissa has been blowing up my phone but I haven’t read any of the messages or listened to the voicemails. I feel so drained. I got a lot of shit on my last post so I bet a lot of you will think I had this coming. I know I can’t convince you of how hard I’ve tried to make Melissa feel like she’s the only girl I wanted to be with.
No matter how many times she has asked me if she’s pretty, if I find her sexy, if I think she is smart, I always tell her how amazing I find her but it just isn’t enough. Maybe I should have never ever spoken to Natalya when I found out she was attending the same University as me, but I don’t think that gives my gf (ex-gf?) the right to destroy my property.
The album has literally sat on my shelf for years. It’s not like I look at it everyday and fawn over my ex. I have never even shown it to Melissa so she must have been snooping through my belongings which honestly I wouldn’t even care about if she hadn’t destroyed the pictures of my dead friend because of her petty jealousy.
I just feel exhausted. I feel like I’ll never make Melissa happy. I could have done things differently, sure, but I feel like she never tried to work on her insecurities and confidence in herself either.
TL;DR: My gf cut my ex-FWB out of photos in my album and I feel like this is a huge over-step of boundaries. Some of the pictures she destroyed were of my friend that passed away and I don’t think I can forgive her.
Ten months later, he shared this third and final update on the situation:
Dang, can't believe I remembered the password to this account but here we are. This time, it's not really about me, but I thought it would be most appropriate to post on my account since it's related to my ex-gf, Melissa, who I had posted about twice.
Feel free to creep through the history. My ex-gf Melissa was very jealous of my old-FWB/her colleague Natalya. Her obsession was extremely unhealthy and she did something to me that I considered unforgivable, hence the break up. Now this was 8-9 months ago, and since then Natalya and I have rekindled our friendship.
She knows why Melissa and I broke up, and felt very guilty, but she was always a good friend to me and I like having her in my life. I know I am going to get a lot of shit for this and people will say they saw it coming, but whatever. I'm not asking for judgement. What's done is done and I thought we had all moved on.
Last month, me, Natalya, and a few of our friends were out playing billiards. As I was giving Natalya and her roommate a ride home, the roommate says, "N, did you tell him about the thing?" Natalya responded no, and her roommate pressed her, but she stayed firm. I texted her later to see what was the matter, but she assured me it was nothing.
This past week, her roommate called me and asked if we could meet up. She sat me down and said that she thinks me ex-gf is stalking Natalya. I was taken aback but not completely shocked at this accusation given Melissa's past. She told me that it started out with obvious fake FB profiles sending friend requests and then vile hate messages.
Then Natalya was getting calls from random numbers that said they were following up craigslist escort ads with her name. picture, and number. Roommate new about the picture situation and immediately suspected Melissa. That was a few months ago.
Last month, Natalya and some friends were heading back from the movies, and a guy in Melissa's grad-school cohort saw a car parked along Natalya's street and said "Hey what's Melissa doing here?" This freaked her out, as she had seen that car parked there several nights a week for the past 3 months. This was "the thing" she didn't want to mention to me.
This week, her growth chamber was contaminated. Apparently, someone let disease-carrying aphids into a few sections of the greenhouse and ruined a few of the grad students crop/plant experiments (i'm not a biologist sorry idk the details).
Anyway, it was a pretty big deal for the grad-students who needed to restart their experiment, including Natalya, but her PI thought it must have been some undergrad who forgot that you're not supposed to enter the greenhouse after being in the aphid room. Her roommate, who is in the same department as Melissa and Natalya, thinks it was foul play on Melissa's behalf.
Apparently she's been bad mouthing Natalya ever since we broke up. Obviously that is a very strong accusation with no real proof, so she hasn't spoken to administration about it. It is really scary to think Melissa would go to such a length to hurt somebody else. It sounded to me like Natalya is being stalked, but she doesn't want me to know.
I brought it up with her yesterday and she confirmed what the roommate said. She dismissed the greenhouse incident saying she doesn't want to think someone had it out for her. Also she thought it was unlikely because the risk was so great. If it was done on purpose and the person was caught, they would be expelled from the program without a second thought.
She did admit to having the feeling of being followed and that she'll be at a grocery store or cafe and think she see's Melissa there too. She thinks she's just paranoid and letting her roommate get to her head, but that this happens more frequently since we've started hanging out. I asked her if she has spoken to Melissa or wanted me to say something and she said absolutely not.
I'm feeling like this is all my fault and I keep screwing up. If I had left Natalya alone after breaking-up with Melissa, this wouldn't be happening to her. I haven't spoken to Melissa since the breakup (only to return the items she kept in my house) and I don't think speaking to her about this would do any good.
I wouldn't doubt that Melissa is capable of stalking and/or sabotaging Natalya's work given her history, but I haven't seen anything with my own eyes yet.
Is there something I can do before this gets worse? In my last few posts, many people said I had handled things wrong, and I want to make sure I do something right for once. Do I stay out, do I investigate? Please give me advice and not judgment right now. I am worried for my friend.
tl;dr: I think my ex-gf is stalking my friend. Ex-gf has history of jealousy and unhealthy obsession with friend and I am wondering if there is something I can do before it escalates.