'My girlfriend openly does not agree with my mom’s choices. Am I unreasonable to break up with her over this?' UPDATED
"My girlfriend openly does not agree with my mom’s choices. Am I unreasonable to break up with her over this?"
My girlfriend Rachel and I have been together for 8 months. We recently made a trip out West for a little over a week’s vacation. Our last stop was paying a visit to my parents. This was the first time my girlfriend met them. We stayed over their place for a couple of days before returning home.
When we arrived at my parents’ house, my mom said that she got our room ready and to go ahead make ourselves at home and relax and go in the hot tub if we wanted. Rachel acted surprised and said something like, “You mean we get to stay in our own bedroom together? Wow, my parents would never allow that unless we’re married.”
My mom laughed and said that they were thinking of taking us out for dinner later tonight if we would like and just let her know when we’d like to go.
We did our own thing for a few hours, fooled around like sneaky teenagers too.
I felt good about being back “home” with Rachel. We all drove together to the restaurant and chatted about what we did on vacation and reminisced about the neighborhood.
At dinner, Rachel started talking about marriage and kids and said something like, “I have to have kids before I hit 30. It doesn’t matter for guys though, but we women can’t procrastinate.”
It was a little awkward. I wasn’t sure if Rachel was just nervous or didn’t realize my parents had me when they were older or just didn’t care. My parents didn’t say much, but I know that they weren’t particularly impressed by Rachel.
When we got back to our own room for the night, I asked Rachel why she brought that up and didn’t she know that my mom had me older. She said she knew and that she doesn’t agree with my mom’s priorities and that my parents are too liberal.
The next day we returned back to the other coast. I love my parents and my mom is amazing. I like Rachel's frankness, I always found it refreshing, but she just came across tactless to me.
I’m kind of bugged by Rachel’s behavior. It’s weird but I feel like her not respecting my mom means she does not respect me. I think this is grounds for breaking up, but I am not sure if I’m being irrational. Any advice or thoughts?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
"Omg! Why are we allowed to stay in a room together?"
fools around with you in your parents' home, sleeps in same room with you
"Jeez OP, your parents are just too liberal!"
Honestly where does this girl get off.
OP, read this comment like ten times. It is absolutely baffling to me that your girlfriend would dare call your parents "too liberal" when she was reaping the benefits of them being "too liberal" while she was there. Your girlfriend is rude, and I would feel embarrassed if my SO treated my parents that way.
Your real problem is that you and Rachel appear to come from different backgrounds in terms of values, and that she clearly believes her family values are inherently superior.
She was lightly rude to your parents in person (based on this account), and really rude in private when speaking about your mother's choices to you. It's clear she only respects people who agree with her. Think about how that's going to play out as your relationship becomes more serious.
Personally, if it were me, I'd strongly consider breaking up with her for being ignorant and immature about the situation but I'm not you. So ask yourself, could you see this evolving into bigger problems with your parents/other family members/close friends who may be too liberal for her? Do you view Rachel differently because of what her behavior has revealed to you?
OP, it's okay to break up with someone for any reason. Determine how compatible you are and whether her frankness is going to be a problem with people you care about moving forward. If you don't think you know enough about Rachel's views, ask her.
Ask her if she respects you less for thinking your mom made a good choice in having you later in life. Ask her what constitutes as too liberal in her book when it comes to parenting. If you decide you do want to break up, feel free to do so without telling her it's because of her inconsiderate comments about your mom if you don't want to as it may start a pointless argument.
If you decide to stay, calmly and politely tell her comments about your mother are hurtful to you because of how much your mother means to you and you would prefer she doesn't question your mom's parenting choices in the future.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Thank you all for the comments. I was pretty surprised by the volume. I was trying to downplay my concerns about the incidents at my parents’. I met up with Rachel at her place before maybe heading for dinner together.
I let her know that I wanted to talk about what she said about my mom during vacation.
(I’m just going to provide a dialogue about what was exchanged to make it easier for me and hopefully less confusing.)
Me: I’m still trying to understand why you said what you said at dinner and why you are in such disagreement with my mom.
Rachel: It’s so weird how good looking your dad is still. He could have been a model when he was younger. Your mom is not anywhere in the same league as your dad.
Me: I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
Rachel: I think it’s odd that they are together. It’s creepy.
Me: My parents love each other. I don’t get the problem you have. I think that you purposefully brought up having kids earlier than my mom to criticize her.
Rachel: Well I don’t like your mom. I don’t have to like her.
The rest of conversation was more pulling teeth. I had already given thought about what happened last weekend and I guess I share a chapter or two from my parents’ book, I want to feel confident about my partner. Rachel gives me doubt, not comfort.
A lot of comments mentioned that I may have been oblivious and what I initially perceived as frankness was likely always tactlessness, that I may have not noticed it was tactlessness because I was in agreement.
I think these were factors, but I also didn’t agree with Rachel always on her opinions, I just didn’t disagree either. I broke up with Rachel last night. Her parting words were “A mama’s boy is just plain ugly. And you’re cursed with your mom’s looks!”
Edit: So I rang my parents to let them know that I broke up with Rachel. I spoke with my dad first and he said, “You made a good decision. She was dumber than a box of hair.” Then I spoke with my mom and she asked why I ended it.
I told her that she was too irrational and contradictory. She wasn’t convinced that was the entire reason so I told her everything since she has a pretty thick skin. She had a real good laugh and said that Rachel’s just a mean girl and she’s glad that it didn’t take me longer than 8 months to work that one out. And she also told my dad that he's still got it.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Was she... was she checking out your dad?! Wtf!! This is super freaking weird, why would she interject herself into your parents relationship at all?? Why would her opinion matter & what kind of person does that? What a freak, be thankful she was too stupid to keep her thoughts to herself. Did she think you'd be like, "You're right! My mom sucks!" Creepy.
I've been with "momma's boys" and nothing you said about your mother led me to believe you are that type. Everything she was upset about, should have been a non-issue. You're lucky you caught on so quickly. Best of luck in future relationships!
She thinks it's creepy that a good looking older man is with someone she considers not good looking? I could get maybe thinking he's out of her league as an inside thought but how in the world would that be creepy? And don't say that out loud either way!
Coupled with her comments about OP’s mom having OP later in life and about women’s biological clocks, I’m going to say that Rachel has a lot of internalized misogyny. She acts as though she’s in competition with OP’s mom and feels the need therefore to tear down her appearance and life choices.
Rachel was literally trying to bully OP’s mom like some horrible high schooler.
What is wrong with that girl?