'My girlfriend broke up with me last week, but she still expects me to give her a ride home for Thanksgiving.' UPDATED
"My girlfriend broke up with me last week, but she still expects me to give her a ride home for Thanksgiving."
Prior to breaking up last Wednesday, my girlfriend [23F] and I [27M] had been together for just over three years. Up until this past August, she lived in Georgia, about two hours away from where I was living in South Carolina.
In August, she moved up to NY for graduate school, and in order to be closer to her, I found a job and moved to DC. Things had been a bit rough in the months leading up to August, and the stress of moving and starting grad school/ a new job certainly didn't help things.
Given the rough few months we had had, she was left questioning whether or not she still wanted to be in a relationship with me. She voiced her uncertainty to me on the phone last Monday, and expressed to me that she had a strong desire to go out and have some experiences with other men. To go on dates, and see what else was out there.
I told her this wasn't at all what I wanted. That I wanted to work through these hard times together. She responded by saying if she didn't go out and have these experiences, even if things improved, she would always regret it. And that's where we left things.
When we spoke the next day, she had decided she wanted to come down to SC and spend a few days with me for Thanksgiving break, before returning home to visit her family. There was one catch though.
On Friday the 17th (I'm driving from DC to SC on the 16th for my bday/Thanksgiving break) I was going to have to drive two hours from my home in SC to pick her up from the airport in NC, and then two hours back.
The following Monday, I would have to drive her two hours from home to take her to GA to be with her family, and two hours back. Then, Sunday after Thanksgiving I'd have to go two hours out of my way and pick her back up in GA, and then have her ride with me all the way back to DC, where she would fly out to NY.
At this point, I voiced my confusion given the conversation from the previous day. She said she thought one positive experience together could really turn things around, and that she wanted to give it a shot.
She had the flight up and ready to book, and there was only one seat left, so despite me directly voicing my obvious desire to talk things out first, she went ahead and booked it.
The next day, I tried to talk to her about her desire to date other men, and about how we could improve our relationship and work through the rough times we had been having, and it ultimately led to her breaking up with me.
Since then, we haven't had all that much communication. She has ignored most of my texts and the ones she has responded to, she's been rather rude/mean. I pointed this out, and her response was "it's unreasonable of you to expect us to be friendly right now. It's too soon". Which honestly, I understand. She's right.
Then, she texts me and tells me that she still needs me to pick her up and take her home, and that she still needs to ride with me back to DC. She doesn't have the money to change her flight, and she doesn't have anyone else to pick her up.
I told her I didn't feel I owed her that, as she broke up with me. She pointed out that I had committed to coming, which I most certainly had. I asked her if I was willing to come, if she would be able to set aside her anger for a few hours and be friendly, and she said she would do her best to be cordial, but being friendly was too much to ask.
She said she would sit in the back and work the whole ride. My question is, do I still owe it to her to go and pick her up? Would it be selfish of me to tell her she needed to work this out on her own? I really don't want to leave her stranded, but I don't feel this is really my responsibility anymore. What do I do here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
Don't drive her. She can get an uber or Lyft. She broke up with you and doesn't want to get back together. She's saying things like "this experience might bring me back to you/might make our relationship better" is a manipulation tactic to get you to drive her around. Don't fall for it.
Exactly. Yet she doesn't want to talk to him or sit in the front seat the whole way there and back?? Yes, an experience like that would definitely bring you two closer.. Smh.
My reading of it is that she changed the rationale - her first rationale was that it would bring them closer, and now she's broken up with him her second rationale is that she booked her flight back when he had agreed to it.
But the thing is, what he agreed to - spending time with his gf - isn't at all the same as what she's now proposing - chauffeuring his unfriendly ex. Given the situation, I suspect both rationales were just rationalizations for why she should get free rides. There's plenty of transportation to and from airports that she could take instead, like a normal adult.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
To those of you that have said I'm being a doormat, you are 100% correct. And I have been for.....yeah pretty much our entire relationship. I try my best to be kind to people regardless of how they treat me, but at some point you have to have a little self respect.
Anyhow, I had pretty much decided not to pick her up prior to seeing all of your replies, and reading through them has solidified my decision. I just texted her saying, "Given the fact that you just broke up with me, and that in your own words 'it's too early to expect to be friendly with one another', I'm not okay with coming to pick you up on Friday, or taking you to DC on Sunday.
Sitting in a car with you for 20+ hours when you can't even be friendly with me will only make it harder for me to recover from this breakup, and I'm not willing to do that to myself. I hope you are able to find another way home, and I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving with your family. Sorry for any inconvenience this causes. Best of luck to you."
I didn't have it in me to be rude to her, but I got the message across nonetheless.
Thanks again for the replies. Y'all are awesome.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
"We should break up because I want more experiences, but I still need you to drive me back home."
Wow. WOW.
"It’s too early to expect to be friendly with one another."
Ex-girlfriend: but I still want you to drive me 20+ hour car trip anyway.
That is some messed up thinking right there.
The audacity of OP's ex to demand that he pick her up, take her to Thanksgiving, loiter around, and then take her back home is wild. I think this is a pretty big glimpse into how much she took advantage of OP in their relationship. It's good they're done.
Lol 0 words for how delusional the ex gf is. The audacity on her is astounding, OP deserves better.
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. I can’t imagine telling someone who is about to drive me across state lines MULTIPLE times that I can’t even try to be friendly with them.