Groom doesn't want mom at wedding, 'I don't even see you as family anymore.' AITA?
When this groom to be has doubts about inviting his mother to his wedding after all she's "done to him," he asks Reddit:
"AITA if I(28M) told my mom(49F) I wasn't sure about inviting her and her new family to the wedding due to our tumultuous past?"
My dad passed away when I was 5 years old. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I was really close with my mother after him passing away. We were each other's close friend. My mom rarely went on dates (even though I asked her to), so it was just me and her.
After high school I was working at my security job while living at home. One day I come home to my mom being involved with a guy(let's call him Jack) that seemed to be around my age. I "officially" met him a week later.
He was revealed to be 22 (I was 21 at the time) and apparently him and my mom were in a year long relationship already. They were in the same MBA program.
My mom and I were just practically roommates after that. She seemed too distant for the past year which seemed to make sense why but our relationship even further deteriorated.
I'll admit I was overly reliant on my mother emotionally and financially, but both of them seemed to treat me like a hindrance that they needed to overcome.
My mom would barely make any time with me even though I lived with her. Jack seemed to look down on me due to my profession and the fact I was living with my mom.
The wedding happened a year later. I only went out of respect for my mom even though Jack and his loved ones treated me like a pariah. I moved out a month after their honeymoon.
I rented a room with my mom helping with expenses here and there. My got pregnant at 44 years old with twins. I tried as often as I could but Jack watched me like a hawk. I overheard them talking about "doing things right this time".
I wanted to talk about how I feel about Jack with my mother. It was bad idea because she dismissed how I felt and said she would always side with him due to him being her husband.
After that argument, we didn't talk about for 5 weeks. I got a call about how she misses me and hoped I would get over it. I decided to distance myself from my mom and improve my life.
This time, my mother was the one calling once a week to talk to me. I was short but cordial. I rarely called but only on occasions. I eventually went back to school and got a degree in computer science. I landed a nice well paying job two years ago.
A week ago, I proposed to my fiance. My mother asked if she could come visit us with her family. I said yes. She seemed super excited for me and asked me about when and were is the wedding. I told her it was in Hawaii.
She joked about never going to a wedding before with tikis. I decided to be upfront with her by wasn't I'm not sure if I am going to invite her and her family. She was in shock and asked why.
I told her it would be a happy day for me and I don't want her and her family to come as I still have issues with them and they would be a constant reminder of that. Honestly, I don't even see her as family anymore. She said "okay" and they sobbed in a way that I have never seen before.
Jack found her crying and got her out of there with the kids. A couple of days later, a got a couple of relative calling me an ungrateful son who doesn't care about his mother. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought about OP's dilemma:
notasynth7 writes:
NTA- at all. A wedding is a time to celebrate you and your partner's life with whoever you want there. If you want your mom there, invite her without any option for a plus one, and she can choose to come or not. If you don't want her there, don't extend an invitation.
You have a very justifiable reason for not wanting her or her new husband there (not that I'm of the opinion you even need any reason). You don't need people like that dragging you down on a joyous occasion.
As long as you're ok with the potential fallout (she might stop talking to you entirely for a long while), then it's completely fine. And if you're not ok with that as a potential outcome- again extend an invite her and her alone as a compromise.
If she turns up her nose- that's her problem, you tried. Congrats on the engagement, wishing you a wonderful wedding.
sarasome0 writes:
Your mother gave you the prime of her life. She dedicated 20 years of her best years to you. All her 20s and 30s. It takes a lot to raise a child. It takes lot more to do it alone. But for those 21 years that you needed her the most (including the pregnancy), she was there for you.
After 15 years she is trying to establish a new relationship. And then she had twins on top of it. Yes, she has a new family now. Imagine young twins at baby/toddler stage. She likely doesn't have much time to breathe.
Being the only child it is understandable that you are used to being the center of her attention. She still loves you. She took some time to find herself again. And found a husband who is not the most appropriate for her. (I know - an understatement).
Also the new husband isolating her from her child, that just gives me, at minimum, controlling vibes.
Now the roles should change. You should be watching out / caring for her. Keep in touch. Even if it is just by phone. Meet her when the husband is not there. When you do meet him, just be civil. Things change in life. They don't remain constant. Roles change too. That is okay.
You need family therapy with her. It will do both of you good.
sickpuppy0 writes:
NTA I will get married next year and I am pretty sure I won’t invite my mom as well due to a history of emotional abuse. Me and my partner also have our own child and I have learned that it is already quite a big warning sign when parent and child are best friends because it hints to enmeshment.
So from the little insight I got into your relationship, it already seems a bit unhealthy but I might be wrong. Anyway naturally we have the biological urge to keep our parents close and that means including them in big events.
Not wanting them at a wedding I don’t believe you chose that without much thought. A wedding should be filled with your loved ones who increase your happiness and support you and while it is sad that doesn’t include your mom that seems to be based on her own choices.
c1765 writes:
Wow. NTA. At all. I’m so sorry she treated you like this. You deserve so much more. Just cut her off. Jack is always going to judge your entire life. Did no one even think of the fact that he rode into your mom’s home for his “success.”
He went from one mom to another and kicked you out in the process. She treated you like shit. Spoke about you in unforgivable ways. You and your new family will always be under attack. Just cut this off.
She sobbed, because she’s reaping what she’s sown from her behavior and she knows it. Those relatives can piss off since they weren’t there for either of you to know what really happened.
Live your best life. Do it right this time for yourself. Tell her that. And let her go. I’m so so so sorry. Please get therapy to help you heal because this is deep and you shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
fantadticuproot writes:
NTA. Frankly I think your mother is a really disgusting person to be getting with someone who is only a year older than you.
You sound like you’re describing a very emotionally incestuous between yourself and your mother even before her “husband” came into the picture. I really don’t think it’s a coincidence that your mother got with someone who is nearly exactly your age.
I wouldn’t be able to look my mother in the face ever again if she got with someone my age, all I would be able to think about is if she’d had weird thoughts about me and was trying to use a patsy as a replacement for any weird fantasies she might have.
Sorry if this sounds insanely harsh, I just really feel for your situation, hope you can figure it out!