Guy angry over GF's 'childish joke' on wedding RSVP; 'It feels like a power move.' Updated!
AITA for getting annoyed with my GF for changing my last name to hers at a wedding for a joke?
GF and I are heading to a wedding next month. It's a couple she knows getting married - I've met them once or twice. I don't know anyone else at this wedding.
The other day, her friend called to check if he 'should also change my name on the guest plan,' at which point my GF admitted to me that, as a joke, she had RSVP'd using her last name for both of us, meaning it would be visible this way to other guests on the name tags at the table, and perhaps on other things.
I was pissed off with her, and said I didn't think it was funny, and she shouldn't have done it. She was upset, thought it was a funny joke, said that I was overreacting, etc.
I'm aware that it could be funny, if you know your partner likes those jokes. We joke with each other about taking each other's names when we're married, her joking that I should take hers, etc. But for me, this feels like a big overstep.
For one thing, it's childish. I would be embarrassed for her friends and other guests to presume we are married, only to find out it's a dumb joke, and also for her friends to think we're not taking their wedding seriously.
But also it feels like a power move - she knows that me taking her name would represent a victory for her, and so the joke feels less playful and more a competitive jibe at my expense. I have to put up with others believing I'm someone who took my wife's name and abandoned my own.
No offense to anyone who chooses this, but my name is a part of my identity, and I dislike what being thought to have changed it puts across about me.
She feels upset at having been 'told off,' and that her naughty playful side is what people like about her, and that I'm at fault for trying to repress it and being uptight. I just feel it's crossing a boundary. AITA here?
Info from OP:
I didn't shout or break things or go on about it. Then again, I didn't react in a very calm and easygoing way as I might have done on another occasion. It was one in a sequence of things recently I wasn't too happy about it, and I was a little highly-strung - honestly it felt overbearing and a bit creepy. But the conversation lasted all of a minute or two
Here's what people had to say:
LetsGetsThisPartyOn writes:
YTA. “I have to put up with others believing I’m someone who took my wife’s name and abandoned my own.” Ummmmmm. Like women have been expected to do since forever!
ilvincbs writes:
If this guy clutches his pearls any harder, they'll break.
Nik-ki writes:
ESH she is making it seem like they are already married and announcing it at her friend's wedding, which is a d*ck move. Don't bring drama and pranks to someone else's celebration.
wtfaidhfr writes:
YTA. 'Tt could be funny, if you know your partner likes those jokes.' True. 'We joke with each other about taking each other's names when we're married, her joking that I should take hers, etc.' Oh, so she DID know you like these jokes.
MindlessParsnip writes:
YTA. Normally I’d say that if someone tells you something they did was a joke in order to blow you off you should tell them it wasn’t funny and it’s not a free pass for their behavior.
Hard however here, though: “See, I'm aware that it could be funny, if you know your partner likes those jokes. We joke with each other about taking each other's names when we're married, her joking that I should take hers”
You’ve admitted this is a running joke between the two of you. She took it a bit further than you’d expected and liked, sure, but your response is disproportionate at best and wildly childish at worst. She took an inside joke the two of you had and goofed with it, and you feel like it’s crossing some major boundary?
UPDATE from OP:
Lot of thoughts here, feeling blessed for all the balanced and constructive feedback I'm getting. Just to clarify, as I think my word choice has rubbed some people the wrong way.
I have absolutely no problem with my gf keeping her name if we married. Personally, giving up own my name goes against my values, not because I'm a closet misogynist, but simply because I'm a person who values their identity. My gf knows this, and still chose to make our joke public with her friends, whom I don't know. Okay, have at!