Man asks for advice after falling in love with ex's sister. Updated 4X

In this odyssey of a post, a man falls in love with his ex wife's sister, asks for advice, and then shares over a year's worth of updates on how things ended up (all with the help of the internet). Crack a beer (this is a long one), and read his story in his words...

I'm finally at a point where I can't stand this anymore. I've been in love with this woman for a very long time, maybe a couple of years at this point and I'm not sure if I should just kill it or attempt to make something with her.

I met my ex-wife, her sister, when I was 23-years-old and the relationship developed very quickly, and by 26 I had my son and daughter and had gotten married. However, within months of being married my ex-wife had an affair, but worse than that the man she cheated with had gotten her into drugs.

After confronting her on this she said she was going to get help, but instead she left in the night. I haven't heard from her in 4 years and last I've heard she's still with that guy and are homeless in Las Vegas.

I ended up getting a divorce in absentia. I did however maintain a very positive relationship with my in-laws after the fact. Every other weekend my kids stay over with their grandparents on that side and they pretty much treat me like a son still, I still go to parties at Christmas and am reasonably liked by the family.

Anyhow, in the year following my ex leaving, her sister and her boyfriend had started coming around a lot to see the kids. They knew I worked a lot and would babysit and call it practice as they wanted to have children of their own. They got married and were very in love. However, her husband died shortly after the birth of their daughter.

Over the last two years we've been a more constant figure in each others lives. My kids love their aunt and I have her over for dinner a couple times a week. My daughter and her daughter have become close and love being around each other so they have sleepovers.

I don't know when it happened, but slowly I began to get soft on my SIL. She's a great mom for what she's had happen to her. She's one of the sweetest people I know and her sense of humor always leaves me laughing and happy. Then I started realizing that I'm physically attracted to her.

We had been together a bit more because social distancing has had us lose contact with most other people. Nothing romantic has ever been discussed and I try not to flirt, but last week it was very late and after the kids went to bed I made us a few drinks, not enough to get drunk but she decided she'd rather spend the night, so I took my couch.

I woke up to breakfast this morning and the four of us felt like the sort of family I've always wanted. She even kissed my forehead which is not something she normally does. I still didn't say anything, but after she left I found my son quietly playing with his toys in his room. He looked upset so I asked him if he was alright.

He tells me point blank in the way only a kid can that he wishes Sil was his mother. I sat down with him and asked him why he thought that way and he gave a whole bunch of reasons her being nice to him, that she never yells about anything.

He likes seeing her at his grandparents and she draws pictures with him, which I didn't know they did. By the end of it my heart that is already melting for this woman even more wound up.

When visiting dropping them off with their grandparents I made a joke about she and I acting like a married couple sometimes, and they didn't laugh and were kind of stand offish, friendly but either they know something or they disapprove.

I'm in love with her. Either I've got to kill it and find some way not to think of her, or I have to find some sort of way to navigate through this situation and tell her everything. If anybody out there has any insight on how to approach a widow, especially one who was married to a friend, with this sort of intention I could really use your help.

Here's what people had to say about the original post.

seripmav_deredrum writes:

Just came here to say that you should tread very carefully. You don’t want to ruin your good relationship by trying, or succeeding, in getting with your SIL. My advice is just to talk to her and see what she thinks. Be as upfront as possible. Discuss Pros and cons, best and worst case scenarios. She may shut it down or may be down for giving it a whirl. Good luck!

Sheer10 writes:

Wow I just read your whole story and I’m actually sitting here with a smile on my face because I’m so happy for both of you. You’ve both been through so much and absolutely deserve to be happy.

ou have a great foundation with each other so just make sure your communication is always very open with each other and I really think it’s going to work out with you to. PLEASE give us another update! I truly wish you both and your joint families nothing but the best of luck in the future friend!!

Update from OP one month later.

Shortly after making the first post, I remembered that my children were spending Sunday night over their grandparents house, and typically when they do this, my niece, Sils daughter will join them. Normally I'd just game or hit the gym an extra night but I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to Sil without the kids being around.

So I sent her a text saying 'Hey, kids are out this Sunday, was thinking you might wanna get dinner.' It was a fairly upscale place that reopened two months or so ago for outdoor dining. I never ask her out to dinner and we're almost never alone together, or without a child in the other room.

She says she'd love to and so my panic starts setting in because now I've gotta actually act on my feelings. I ask her if she'd prefer meeting at my place and taking one car or meeting at the restaurant, she says she'll come by my place first.

I'm a bit more cleaned up then normal, dressed up but not overly dressed. She show's up and my God, she's in a very nice evening dress, make up (Not something she normally wears.) really looking stunning. I must have been slack jawed for a second I had to be lol. We make a little small talk compliment how we look but I still don't have my nerve yet and she isn't pushing the issue.

Dinner is really wonderful, they had live jazz type group playing. She tells me this is the first time she's really had an adult social outing that didn't involve her daughter in a few years and I mention that it's about as long for me. We're laughing, joking, talking, a little casual touching here and there.

I can't seem to find my nerve though, I'm afraid of ruining this moment, so I just submit to having fun. But as we're leaving my mind snaps and I'm just like f**k it. And when we stand to go back to the car, I give her my arm and we walk back to the car arm and arm no awkwardness, nobody mentioning that it's happening. I open her door for her and I plan on driving her back to her car.

As I open the door she stops me. Looking sort of nervous, she just outright tells me to stop and that she want to kiss me. There was no alcohol at dinner so this is all her. So I pull her in and we kiss. I can barely describe how wonderful it felt to finally touch her. Well the kissing goes on outside this restaurant with her leaned against my car for at least a half and hour.

When we finally break we share a few more dreamy looks before we get in the car and drive back to my place. She's holding my hand as I'm driving, I don't think I've ever been happier.

I confess to her that I've started having feelings for her a long time ago but what with the terrible things we went through I didn't want to scare her away. She tells me that she's carried a torch for about 6 months herself.

At that time I had gone on a couple Tinder dates and since we were just friends I described what a mess of a time those dates were. She tells me she began feeling intensely jealous and angry that I was seeing these girls it was about that time it clicked in her mind that she had some how developed feelings for me.

As it turns out I didn't approach her because of her late husband and she wasn't approaching me because she was afraid I'd see too much of her sister, my ex wife, in her and start to resent her for it.

I invited her in after we got back home and we decided to try and fight off the desire to jump straight into bed, and just sat on couch snuggling and talking about what we would need to do to make this a working relationship. There was some really teary moments there.

We of course talked about her late husband a little and where she feels in the grief process saying I don't want to rush her and that I'm not going anywhere if she needs time I'll wait as long as she needs me to. She says that she feels like she's in a place where she could love again, that she's long past feeling guilty for having feelings for me, it was something she struggled with.

She then brought up her sister, and the obvious questions a few people asked in the comments. What would we do if ex ever decided to show her face around here again or try to get back into my kids life. What if she comes back reformed and apologetic would I take her back.

I told Sil that's a hard no, that I've forgiven her for cheating on me, but I will never forgive her for what she did to my son. We said we were going to take it slow and now go to fast with things, but the kissing started again and since we were in private this time... we gave up the fight to stay out of the bedroom.

I have had fantasies throughout the duration of my feelings for her, and getting to pet her face in the morning was one I finally got to live out. Moving forward, we are going to establish date nights and work on building on our already strong foundation. When we inevitably tell our folks we're a couple we're going to do it together.

But that's where I'm at. That's it, that's my update. If this subbreddit allows maybe I'll do another to say how the parents, inlaws, and kids take the news. 2 years of wishing she was mine and now she is. Better not F this up. TLDR- We're in love.

Here's what people had to say about update 1:

oceyana writes:

This update had me on the edge of my seat, holding my breath, and squeeling inside. I am over-the-moon happy for you, internet Stranger! Please, please keep us updated.

ThrowRA0727 OP responded:

Next weekend we are having dinner as a family with my inlaws, and if it feels like the time is right we're going to take Mil and Fil aside and tell them what's going on and that we're going to be seeing each other romantically.

CagedCapricorn writes:

Ahhh I don’t think i’ve ever been so happy for people I didn’t know!! I hope your folks can take it well after all you both have been through.

Update from OP 1 week later:

I am referring to my ex-wife as Jessica now, and my Sister inlaw, who I had been calling Sil, to Silvia because funny.

Well we've told everyone, and for the most part it's gone over fairly well. When our respective kids were with my inlaws, Silvia and I went to go see my parents. They've met her a handful of times but they don't really know her too well as my inlaws and my family rarely attended mutual functions.

Yesterday we attended a small family gathering for labor day at my inlaws. We knew the reception here would be a little more chilly as they're all also related to my ex-wife. We arrived at the party together and of course everybody is wondering where the kids are (they were at the zoo with my parents).

Felt like a million things were telling me not to do this, by I took her by the hand and we both explained the kids were not here because we intended on telling everyone that we are now a couple. This wasn't a huge crowd, maybe like 8 people but it really felt like I announced it to a stadium.

It was only Mil that caused any issues. She told the party that she knew we were an item because I was always giving her 'Puppy dog eyes' and told them Silvia talked about me nonstop. She asked for how long we had been dating in secret and I told her only a week.

She scoffed and told me that she didn't think starting a relationship off by lying would be a smart move. She then accused, albeit it in a joking manner to the guests that Silvia and I had vanished at a pool party in June to 'Smooch'

Her mother and father are both intensely afraid that my ex will return sober and renewed, make an attempt to make amends, discover that I am now in love with her younger sister and relapse. It sounded to me as if they knew something I didn't and as it turns out Jess has been calling and talking to them for a year now and they just haven't told me.

I was upset they kept this from me. Silvia was very upset too, because not once after her husband's death has Jess ever tried to call her.

They show me her Facebook profile, the one she blocked me from and there she is looking pretty normal, not like a burned out husk. I have to admit that seeing her not looking like the junkie she became when she left made me feel a little better and Silvia too.

I told her that my feelings for Silvia are real and there is no chance I reconcile with Jess. Fil seemed to nod in approval, but Mil honestly looks like she was hoping we'd fix things.

She's been spending the night at my place pretty frequently since we've been together. So the kids don't see anything I've been setting my alarm for 5 in the morning, getting up and moving to the couch. Well the morning after we decided to tell the little ones what is going on.

Our daughters seemed very happy but they are too young to really grasp what's actually taking place, all they know is they can play together more. I did take my son aside, just me and him and asked him if he was okay with this and what he thought about it.

He asked if we'd all be living together, I told him maybe someday. He asked if this made his aunt his stepmom now and I said he's free to call her what he's comfortable with and I will respect it and she would too because we both love him.

He then asked me a lot of questions about his own mother, things he had never asked me before and I answered pretty much everything he wanted to know. I toned some of my answers down a bit. He's learned a little about the dangers of drugs from school programs and I was finally honest to that degree when I told him his mom had a problem and she made some bad choices.

He asked me why his mother didn't love him and that broke my heart. I assured him the best I could that his mother did love him, she had just made a lot of terrible mistakes and that sometimes adults just don't do the right thing when they should.

He asked me if I still loved her. I told him that I hoped she would get better and that I don't want her to be sick anymore, but that she hurt me and him so badly that I couldn't love her like I did before. I'm not sure he got all of that, but I tried explaining it to him the best I could.

All that aside he has been so much happier and less withdrawn since Silvia has been with us and he's always going out of his way to do all the typical kid stuff to impress her that I did with my own Mom.

Thank you for everyone who commented or sent me messages on the first and second posts, they really made my day and helped me keep my cool to confess to her. Feel free to ask me anything, but I think this just about does it for my updates.

Here's what people had to say about update 2:

[deleted] writes:

I sincerely hope your ex doesn't ruin things for you guys. She may not affect your relationship with your GF but she might have issues with her kids acting like her sister is their mom. If she really did change for the better, she'd understand why though. But yeah, I really enjoy reading your stories. I wish you guys nothing but the best.

justjoey63 writes:

I absolutely LOVE this love story ... made me cry like a baby ...I'm a cynical 56M with full custody of 2 boys for the past 15+ years for a similar situation with their mommy. I always hoped for a relationship like this for myself but I'm glad somebody else got to be happy in the same situation as I've found myself. It gives me hope ...

Update from OP 1 month later:

I did talk with my ex wife back in September. The Ex-wife is in a much better place and is in recovery. 8 months clean by this point. She finally told me the details of the affair and how things happened, how she got into drugs.

Not stuff I really wanted to hear, but she's trying to get her life together and as much as I dislike the things she's done to me and the kids I want her to get healthy. I shouldn't but I worry about her still sometimes.

Anyhow I got around to telling her about Silvia and I and she was dumbfounded by it. When I first met my ex she was 19 and Silvia was 14 and in her mind she always viewed her as a kid in regards to me, which to be fair I did used to refer to Silvia and her 'kid sister,' but when she remembered that her sister is a fully grown adult who was married and had a child that her hinting I was a creep stopped.

She did ask if I had feelings for her while I was married and I denied that. We talked about the kids and she was really regretful and crying throughout the conversation. She has no idea how she'd be able to face them again. I wanted to say something reassuring, but I don't want to give her the impression that I want her in their lives.

She and Silvia talked for a while too. I didn't eavesdrop intentionally, but from the bits I heard and what I was told, they talked about Silvia's husband. As it turns out my ex didn't even know he passed until a couple weeks after the funeral and by that point she felt saying anything would make things worse.

Silvia, the three kids, and I have been spending almost everyday together and I haven't been happier in years. My son and daughter love all the motherly attention they've been getting and I'm really loving getting to learn more about my little niece. Life's good

Comments from update 3:

Michaello45 writes:

This is just pure wholesomness. I don't think i ever was so engaged in someone's story. You sir made me even shed a tear despite my cold heart haha. Really happy that everything worked out. You show a lot of maturity and the feeling you two share seems to be true by every standard. Don't ever let it go.

Please, Please, keep us updated. All the best! (although it seems that you already have that lol)

VoidIgris writes:

Talk to your ex-wife 'Jessica' and involve 'Silvia', explain to the ex that she lost your trust when she cheated and lost your heart when she abused your kid. Tell her that you do forgive her but will never forget and it'll never be the same.

laive writes:

Ahhh I followed you hoping for an update and sooo pleased to hear it went just about as well as it could've, minus the ex revelation. Hope the phone call goes over well and congratulations to you and your family. Couldn't be happier for you guys!!!

Update from OP 1 year later:

It has nearly been a year since my former sister-inlaw. A year later and we are living together and I couldn't be happier. We're currently living together and are in the market for a new home. Our children are really benefiting from having two parents around to care for them.

Our daughters have begun to call each other sisters and my son is accepted in the same way. They're basically just normal siblings.

We haven't had much contact with my ex-wife since my last post, though from what we hear she's doing much better. Has a halfway decent job, a boyfriend, and is keeping clean. I don't like to think about her being reintroduced into my children's lives, but if she continues to be a clean and well-rounded person, it will make it much harder for me to deny her visitation should she seek it.

Not just from a legal standpoint, but from a moral one as well. Neither Silvia and I look forward to that day, but the worries seem way off.

Her parents have stopped their prodding into our business and haven't tried to force the ex back into our lives as we feared. Our kids spend the weekend with them now as my two were already doing that before hand. So Silvia and I get to spend Friday night and most of Saturday to go on dates and have some alone time.

Our mutual friends were all pretty surprised by this and have been very supportive as well. They try to be polite and not mention my ex-wife, but every so often it does come up. Mostly everyone is just happy that we've found happiness together.

Speaking of her late husband, Silvia decided on her own that out of respect for me she had to take her wedding band off, something that caused a lot of sadness as you can imagine. I told her that she didn't need to do this and were we to get married, she's got two hands. After I said this she began to wear it on a necklace instead.

She wears an engagement ring now. I don't have any crazy story on how the engagement went down I didn't spring it on her in some crazy public spectacle, but there were tears and hugs and kisses.

If you've got any questions I'd be happy to answer them. Thank everyone so much for all the positive words of encouragement.

Comments from update 4:

reesie_b writes:

Each time I see an update on this I want to squeal from happiness. I’m so happy for you all. Wishing you a beautiful life together!

Dzosefs writes:

Sincerely, good luck! And my opinion, don't let your ex get around again. This wall cause lot of drama, between you, Silvia and kids and possibly in laws. Things might be awkward in the future. Surly they will be. At some point Jess will want to meet with her parents then they will invite her holidays etc. Prepare your yourself and kids for this. One more time :) good luck.

ThrowRA0727 OP responds:

I feel like a teenager lol. I'm a grown man who has children, I've been married before done all sorts of crazy things, and I was made blissfully happy that I could hold her hand grocery shopping today.