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Guy asks if he's wrong to forbid girlfriend from speaking Japanese with his family.

Guy asks if he's wrong to forbid girlfriend from speaking Japanese with his family.


In this post a guy asks for help with a tricky situation. His heart is in the right place, but he may be getting it very wrong. There may be no right answer here, but take a read and see what you think. Arigato.

I (M35) have met my girlfriend (F30) at work (we’re both interpreters). We’ve been together for a few months and Thanksgiving will be the first time she’s going to meet my parents.

I am half Japanese. My dad is Japanese and my mother is American. My mother learned Japanese so she can connect with my paternal side of the family. My siblings and I all speak Japanese. However, none of my siblings spouses do.

My girlfriend, Sasha, started learning Japanese before it got popular. She started learning it when she was 14, has both a BA and MA in Japanese and translation & interpreting. She sounds as close to a native speaker as possible.

However, I warned her that she shouldn’t try and speak Japanese when meeting my parents or grandparents ,and that she’s forbidden from using it even when I’m using it with my siblings.

She asked why, and I told her that I’d hate for my Sils and Bills to be uncomfortable because they don’t speak it and I don’t want her to become my parents/grandparents favorite because we’ve only been together a few months and it wouldn’t be fair if they liked her more than my sil of 10 years who doesn’t speak Japanese.

She said that’s ridiculous and she shouldn’t have to hide it. I said that perhaps later when we’ve been together for longer.

She asked if she had to pretend not to understand me and my siblings when we talk. And I said, exactly. She got really weird and went home. She’s been kind of distant lately and I told a friend about this and they said that I was a major AH and if they ask her about her job, she’s have to lie as well.

I admit, I hadn’t thought of that. But I still can’t see that I did anything wrong. So AITA for demanding she lies?

From the comments:

eiliyiaris writes:

YTA - It will make an impact on her relationship with your family in the future. How are they going to react when they find out she's been able to communicate with them THIS ENTIRE TIME?

Danic89 writes:

Right? “So you’ve been eavesdropping on our conversations this entire time and didn’t say anything?” Very clearly a YTA.

TheMemoryLivesOn writes:

Exactly. As a translator/interpreter myself, I simply cannot believe what I just read. His logic is that of a 10 year old (if even that), not that of a grown man.

What a ridiculous request, no - demand. Her speaking a different language for a little while in front of those who cannot understand it wouldn't mean she is being rude, it would mean she is comfortable, happy and respects OP's dad and his culture. OP should be proud of his girlfriend. Instead, he is asking her to lie to accommodate others (which will have consequences for her only).

YTA, big time. But I'm not worried about OP's girlfriend, she is smart, she will reconsider this relationship now.

PassoutPierce writes:

She went home. It's been only a few months. Pretty sure she's single now lmao.i know I wouldn't even have to reconsider

aitalurker89 writes:

NTA. Why is it her problem if your parents like her more than your SIL of 10 years who hasn’t bothered learning the language to connect with her in laws? Even if you haven’t been dating for that long, shouldn’t you be happy that your parents would like her?

Sources: Reddit
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